We had almost 200 responses to our “Sex After Kids” survey. Thanks for getting the word out! Here are the results, I’ll let them speak for themselves for now, and then do some follow-up posts later.
Without further ado, here is the .PDF with the results -
In most marriages, there is a “higher drive spouse” (HDS) and a “lower drive spouse” (LDS). If this doesn’t apply to your marriage, you can safely disregard this post.
In most cases, the Husband is the HDS, and the wife is the LDS, but this is becoming more and more not the case. A great resource for wives who are the HDS, is “Spice & Love – A Higher Drive Wife”. Because of this, I’m going to avoid addressing the issue as just one applying to husbands, and address it in general.
In our marriage, we were pretty typical; for the first year or so, our sex drives were pretty well matched. Most times I initiated, and she was more often than not, very willing to go along.
Then came the kids, and all the “distractions” that come with both pregnancy, and taking care of the little life that is now your responsibility to feed, clothe, and diaper. It was during the 2nd and 3rd year of our marriage, when the bedroom started to be much more of a place to fall into bed and sleep, then a place to have fun together sexually. It took a lot of give on both sides, and keeping the lines of communication open, to get back to where we are today.
But knowing how it feels doesn’t do anybody any good, unless we use that knowledge to help our LDS (husband or wife) understand. That’s what it took in our marriage, to turn things around. My wife had no clue what sex meant to me, and how it was so much more than “just the act” to me, until I sat her down, and lovingly explained how I felt, and poured out my heart to her about the hurt I was feeling from her constant rejection sexually.
So that’s what I want to do with this post. I want to offer the LDS a peak inside the mind of their HDS spouse, without even having to get off the couch (or computer, or whatever you’re reading this thing on). 
Hey, you made it all the way to the end alive! Hopefully you’re not thinking you’re married to a complete wierdo after this, but instead have some sort of idea where your HDS is coming from.
What say you?
Last week I put out the “Sex after kids survey” (head on over and take it if you haven’t, then come back), and while the results are still rolling in (we’ll post the full results in a couple of weeks), there are a few things that are proving overwhelmingly obvious already.
The first thing is when asked “what are the biggest issues in your sex life?” The three biggest responses by large margins are currently (in order from biggest to smallest) “tired”, “frequency”, and “don’t feel my spouse wants to work on it”.
Also, when asked what the current state of their sex lives were, the large majority of people respond “it’s just ok, I think it could be a lot better if we worked at it more”.
I don’t know about you, but all that sure starts to sound familiar. Basically, what’s being said is “we would have a better sex life if we would work on in, and the number one reason we don’t, is we’re too tired.”
Let me put this another way. So most couples want a better sexual relationship. Most couples feel it could be better if they worked on it. And most couples would do so, if they weren’t so tired. Huh. Go ahead and read that again. I’ll wait. Got it? Ok good, so in general, the biggest obstacle to enjoying the sex life with your spouse that God designed you to have, and you deeply desire (even if you don’t realize it), is that we pack so much into our day, that we are too exhausted to invest in our marriage? Yeah, that really makes sense.
My dad always told me “you probably shouldn’t complain about something you’re not willing to work on.“ I didn’t like it as a kid, and I don’t really like it as an adult, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
I guess what I’m saying, is that sometimes we don’t really like where we are in our marriage, but we don’t dislike it ENOUGH, to actually WORK on it. This is especially true with our sex lives. We convince ourselves “it’s too much work” to talk about it, and re-hash the “same argument” that always ends the same way (or so we say).
Or if it’s just “being tired” that is holding you back, maybe it’s time to take a serious look at the ol’ day planner, and figure out how big of a priority your marriage really is. Does it come before golf, or video games, or working on the yard, or the house, or hanging out with your buddies, or (insert your own blank)? Maybe it’s time to readjust your schedule a bit as to not leave you totally drained when your finally get around to seeing your spouse.
Sorry if this is harsh, but believe me, I’m talking to myself here – maybe it’s time to “put up or shut up” when it comes to taking responsibility for your marriage, and sex life. If you don’t like where your sex life is right now, are you working on it? Are you taking steps to communicate, and improve? Or is it easier to just keep channel surfing?
Maintaining a sex life after those little beings called “kids” show up, can be quite a challenge!
Will you take a few minutes to complete our latest survey on this topic? This survey is for both HUSBANDS and WIVES, and it is totally anonymous.
We will post the results after a few weeks.
Thanks for your help, and feel free to share this with your friends! The more that take it, the better picture we’ll get.
My wife and I will be celebrating 8 years of marriage coming up on May 14th. In some ways it feels like it’s been a lot longer, and in some ways it seems like just yesterday she walked down that aisle towards me to start our life together.
We got married in a small lake town in Oregon called Wallowa Lake. It had always been a special place to us as kids, as both our families would vacation there, and there are a lot of memories for us growing up as kids. Anyway, we got married there, honeymooned there, and are headed back there for our anniversary this year. We were talking about our upcoming trip the other day, and it reminded us of our honeymoon, and the funny things that made it “memorable” 8 years ago. For example -
We rented a pretty nice two-story “cabin” for our honeymoon, and it was by no means a “rustic” kitchen, but for some reason we had a hard time in the “cooking meals” department. The first “incident” was our first night there. We knew we were going to be tired and want something quick to prepare after the wedding and all the stress of preparing for the big day, so we brought one of those DiGorno pizzas from home to just be able to throw in the oven. Well, Val put it in the oven while I was taking a shower or something, and somehow she didn’t get the circle of cardboard off of the bottom of the pizza, before she stuck it in the oven. As you can imagine, about 7 minutes later as the smoke alarm was going off in the background, I asked “what in the world is burning?” We looked in the oven, and the cardboard was just starting to smolder and start to flame up a bit. We quickly got it out, and threw the cardboard into the sink to douse the fire. That was our first “cooking adventure”.
Adventure #2 was on the second day, when we decided to use the BBQ at the cabin to cook some steaks we had bought. This was all fine and dandy, except for the fact that I was used to cooking on a GAS grill, not a charcoal grill. But being the “man of the house” now, I was sure I could remember how my dad used to do it, and I’d show my new wife that I was a grill expert.
So, I went down to the deck and found an old bag of briquettes that somebody had left from whoever had stayed there before, and began to build a pyramid in the bottom of the BBQ like I remembered my Dad doing. Once I had a pretty decent sized pile, I put a good dose of lighter fluid over all of them, and lit it. With a small “whoosh” it lit up, and I was on my way. Or so I thought.
About 15 minutes later, I brought the steaks down and proceeded to spread out the briquettes in the bottom of the BBQ, just like dad used to, and put the steaks on the grill. It didn’t seem as hot as I remembered when I was a kid, but oh well I thought, it must just take a little bit longer to heat up.
I set up a lawn chair by the BBQ to keep an eye on the steaks. After about 10 minutes, I checked them, and while they were starting to cook, it had barely even seared the meat on the side facing the coals. Huh. Well, it must just take longer than gas, I thought. Another ten minutes go by, and I checked them again. Still, not much cooking going on. By now my wife is asking if the steaks are almost ready, because the rest of the food is getting close. I proceed to tell her that the BBQ seems to be “broken”, and we are going to have to cook them in a fry pan on the stove. I’m really frustrated at this point, and I grab the steaks off the still luke warm grill, and go upstairs to the kitchen.
Fast forward to about an hour later, after we had finished eating dinner, I went back down to the BBQ to clean it up and put it away. I opened the lid to scrape the grill, and to my surprise the coals were white-hot, and ready to cook an elephant. Turns out I was a little quick on the draw to start cooking.
At the time we didn’t see this stuff as very funny, but now as we look back, stories like this are some of the things we remember most about our honeymoon. (Or at least the memories that I can put in a blog…lol).
I think it’s good to stop and remember the good times you’ve had together. The times that you’ve laughed together. The times you’ve had fun as a couple. There are times for me when life get’s so busy and filled up with work, kids, dinner, dishes, bed, and repeat – that we forget to laugh with each other. We forget how much FUN having FUN with your spouse is. Even if it doesn’t seem great or fun at the time. May we not forget that when life seems to get a little “same old same old”.
Ok, so now it’s your turn. What are some funny memories from your honeymoon? Things that didn’t quite go as planned, or as expected? From your first night together, to finding out your new husband/wife snores so loud, you couldn’t sleep, to starting the kitchen stove on fire – let’s hear em’!
My eldest son is about to turn 6 years old. He was born premature by 7 weeks, and came out weighing a mere 4.14 pounds. I remember holding that precious tiny bundle there in the delivery room, thinking “how can something this small, ever grow up to be an adult sized person?” I’ve watched this little boy go from not being able to get around at all, to being able to run and jump at will. I’ve listened to him learn how to form words, how to show emotions, how to understand how things work, how to be honest, how to say “I’m sorry”, how to share - in short, I’ve watched him grow up.
It’s funny how this applies to marriage. I know me for one, got married with not much idea of how to do anything, or what I needed to be for my wife. In the “infant” stage of marriage, I expected to be able to have sex whenever I wanted, I expected her totally fulfill me in every area. I didn’t think we would fight like “every other couple”, because after all, we’re in love, and other couples “must just not be doing it right.” I had lots of expectations of what our marriage would look like, mostly based off of what I saw my parents act out growing up. As you can imagine, a lot of my “expected normal” hit the fan within the first few days.
I wonder if God looked down much like I do with my kids and smiled as I learned the hard way to be less about me, and more about my wife and family. The times that I failed (and still fail), the times that I mess up what an “older” husband would have no problem navigating. The “growing up” process. Learning to be married. Learning to give when I don’t feel like it. Learning to go from crawling, to teetering on those first steps, to maybe a good solid walk, and someday being able to run without falling (or at least as much).
I’ve come to realize there is a process of maturing in a marriage. Not just reading the “top ten things you need to know about your marriage” book, and going “ok! I’m all finished!”, but truly maturing in both your relationship with each other, and also with God.
I feel there are times where just as my son didn’t like the idea of using the “potty” at first, and wanted to stay in diapers, we too can become stubborn. Refusing to grow because it’s “more work” to grow. It takes an “effort”. We might even fail over and over before we get it, and complain that “it’s too hard”, or exclaim that “it was better/easier the way it was”, complaining and muttering the whole way, not realizing how much further we really have to go, and how much better marriage (and not having to be an adult in diapers) can be.
Fast forward to today – almost 8 years from the day I said “I do” to my lovely wife. I feel like I’m about as old as my marriage is, when it comes to understanding it. Like an 8-year-old, I feel like while there are times I have those “ah ha!” moments and go “so THAT’S what she’s thinking when I say that!” I still struggle with things like communication, and putting my wife before myself. But I AM getting there. And I’m learning to DESIRE to always be working on my marriage. There is no “pause” in marriage, there is only forward or backwards.
So, what have I been learning lately, that a lot of you probably already know, but maybe some of you who are just starting out, haven’t figured out yet? Here’s the two biggest things I’ve been trying to get down in my daily walk. If they don’t apply to you, go back to reading the sports page. If they do, hopefully you’ll you find encouragement to keep doing, or start doing it/them better.
#1 – Flipping my idea of a “perfect marriage” upside down – Ok, what if instead of thinking the goal of marriage is supposed to make us happy, we thought of marriage in the light of “marriage is a tool the Lord uses to cause us to grow and become more like Him”?
Think about that for a minute. We get so caught up in the “I NEED TO BE HAPPY” culture, we forget the BENEFIT of STRUGGLE. How many times have I muttered under my breath “why can’t she just be more like me! See things MY way a little more?!” And the Lord has to remind me “Gerad, what are you LEARNING from this?”, and you know what? After we’ve come through it, and even though it’s sometimes painful, we come out of it stronger, and more equipped to handle whatever conflict/strife/issue that arises the next time. The bond is strengthened. Character is built. Our relationship with Him is strengthened.
Now don’t lose me here, I’m not saying that marriage is always an un-happy, hard to deal with, issue filled, mess - what I’m trying to get across, is that when it DOES arise, use it as inspiration to buckle down and strengthen the commitment you have to the marriage, instead of saying “nope, this is too hard, I’m done” and walking away. We are FAR TOO WILLING to hit the “panic! I’m not happy!” button, instead of taking a deep breath, backing up, and saying “Lord, what are you trying to get me to learn here? Give me the understanding and strength to grow through this in the way You want me to.”
#2 – I’m learning to serve my wife – I’m learning (and failing, and getting up and failing again), to serve my wife without thinking in the back of my head “she owes me one now, after I do all this”. There is an unexplainable joy that comes from truly serving my wife – because I WANT to, not because I’m hoping it will improve my odds tonight, or I’m trying to get it so she “owes me one”. Finding little ways to say “I love you”, learning how she thinks, and then making sure to support her in the way she needs, taking my time and putting HER needs first in the bedroom, understanding her need to feel she knows my heart, and I’m emotionally open to her – all ways (way too many others to list) I can serve my wife. Because she always deserves it? No. Because that’s the example Christ set for me to follow when I didn’t deserve it? Bingo.
Please hear my heart as I write this stuff guys – I don’t want you to get the idea that I’m some kind of “perfect guy” who writes a marriage blog, and has it all together. A guy who never struggles with anything, and has the picture perfect marriage and kids. I do struggle. I don’t know it all. I have a LOT to learn. I fail. A lot. But by God’s grace, I keep going. I keep putting one foot after another. I keep on driving for a better relationship with my wife. Through the times when my mind says “you don’t even like her right now”, I push through the pride and love her anyway. But it’s hard. And I don’t always succeed. But until I take my last breath, I will ALWAYS try. Why? Because it’s what God has called me to do as a husband. It’s what God has called YOU to do as a husband. It’s making us more like Him. It’s making us grow up. And that’s worth it.
Today’s post is not a post from me, but rather a question aimed at my readers.
I’ve had a lot of people ask me the question: “How do you keep your sex life, and the closeness that comes along with it – active, or at least not TOTALLY dead, while one spouse is sick/disabled/can’t perticipate like they wish they could.”
And don’t skim over the important part, the sick/disabled spouse WISHES they could perticipate in intercourse (even if it’s just for the sake of the other spouse), but because of their temporary condition, they are not able to.
I’m talking life events like injuries, pregnancy (morning sickness), back problems, etc. Things that take the intercourse option off the table for the time being.
So, it’s your turn – What have you found that helps?
How do you releave the sexual tension, when sex isn’t an option?
How do you avoid hurt feelings, when one spouse still wants a “normal” sex life, but the other one can’t give them that for now?
Ready…….? GO!
Post your comments below! 
