Your Wife’s Version of a “Quickie”

Some things you learn as a husband after the first few weeks of being married (she actually has a few faults, she talks in her sleep, etc), but others took me longer to figure out. Like how much communication means to my wife. She thrives on it. Loves it. Doesn’t care when it happens – it could be 11 o’clock at night, but she still needs to tell you about how her girlfriend’s kids did this today, or she was thinking of making black beans this year for the BBQ next week. Ever been there? Countless times I would lie there in bed – half asleep – wondering why in the world she couldn’t wait until later to tell me this stuff! Until I finally got a clue and figured out that wives must look at communication, a lot like we guys look at sex.

Think I’m crazy? Maybe I am, but you know the feeling you get as a guy, when it’s been a while since you’ve connected sexually with your wife? You’re ok for a few days, and then the thought seems to pop up more and more – until you get to the point after about a week or two – where it’s the foremost thought on your mind, and you feel like you can’t concentrate on anything, until you can somehow get this need taken care of. Well, now you have an idea of how our wives feel if we don’t really take the time to listen to them. To them, if we don’t take the time to listen wholeheartedly to whatever it may be that is on their minds, it’s just like we feel when we desire our wives sexually, and they may seem too busy to care, or just roll their eyes at us like “oh come on, is that all you ever want?”. Doesn’t feel real good does it? Makes us feel unimportant. But what if instead of rejecting us, your wife smiles at you like only she can, and playfully says “well, I’m not really there right now, but I’d love to go have a quickie – just for you”. That response totally changes how you feel she cares about you! You suddenly feel like you’re her #1 – you’re important to her! Important enough for her to drop everything she had on her mind, pause whatever she was doing, and put a need that you have, before her own. If you’re like me, it makes me feel like conquering the world for her, because she loves me, and is willing to unselfishly help me with a need that I have – not because she was “into it” or “in the mood”, but because she knew that’s my love language, and was willing to unselfishly SERVE me as her husband!

Ok, now SPIN THAT AROUND, and make it apply to when she seems like she is DYING to talk to you, but you just keep walking by her “busy” with other things, or mumbling things like “hang on babe, I have to get the lawn mowed”, or “just a minute hon, the game’s almost over”. How do we think that makes her feel? I’m guessing pretty unimportant, and way down on our priority list. But, what would happen if we just took a deep breath, stopped what we were doing, faced her, and lovingly said something like “hey hon, how did you day go?”, or “sorry I haven’t slowed down enough to actually talk to you today, how did your day go?” Just like the example I gave above, she all of a sudden feels like SHE rates above all of the things on our “to do list”, or whatever playoff game is on, etc. She feels like SHE MATTERS to us – that we CARE about how she is feeling, and even though it’s not what WE need at the time, we are totally ok with her talking out her feelings to us. One other thing – when she is talking out a problem she might have had during the day, make sure you don’t try to SOLVE the problem for her (unless she asks you to). That will get you nowhere fast (believe me I know). Instead, even though every fiber in your body is screaming “I know what you need to do to fix it!”, try to empathize with her. She wants you to validate the way she is feeling, not to tell her “you shouldn’t feel that way”. I remember the early days of our marriage when Val would tell me she felt a certain way, and I would say “well, you shouldn’t feel that way, because it’s not true”, and she would come back with “you can’t tell me how I feel! I don’t care if it’s not true, that’s how I feel!” (strange creatures women are). I know this whole “listen but don’t solve” theory is pretty foreign to us guys, but that’s really what our wives need! And I know you don’t feel like listening sometimes, but just remember how you feel when you have your biggest need dismissed by your spouse? Yeah, not fun. So MEN, we need to buck up, or “man up” or “put on your big boy pants”, or whatever you want to insert there, pull up a chair, and LISTEN to your WIFE. Oh, and did I mention, that God designed our wives to respond much easier to us sexually, when her “emotional connection tank” is full? Let’s just say that a “quickie her way” may lead to a little more than a “quickie your way” a little later on that evening. 

    • Shana
    • May 20th, 2012

    I’m glad you wrote about this, because my husband is not a good listener. When I do try and tell him about my day he usually cuts me off, or wants me to hurry up. It hurts because I love to listen to him tell me about his day, so why can’t he just listen to me for a minute? Very good article, thank you. I just wish my husband would read this. :)

      • Tom
      • May 30th, 2012

      Remember that most men aren’t good listeners. That’s why they wrote this! :D I’ve found that the best way to be heard when my needs aren’t being met is something I learned from “Ten Great Dates” by the Arps (a great book, which I highly recommend). Explain it as a problem *you* have, not a problem that *he* has, and he’ll be much more receptive. *You* have a problem that you feel a need to be listened to, and when you don’t feel that you’re listened to, it makes you feel hurt. Ask for his help with that. Generally, the male response when given a problem is to try to solve it. But when people are told that they have a problem with themselves, they naturally become defensive.

  1. This is brilliant and well done. If more men could “get this” they might get something else more often!

    • Thanks Marriage Bed! It took me 7 years, but I finally “got it”, and now I have a lot less problem “getting it”….lol…Thanks for the comment! :)

    • Irene
    • May 27th, 2012

    husbands should listen to make their wives happy for HER sake -not to get more sex for themselves. That’s a selfish reason-attitude.

    • Irene,

      I totally agree. What I was getting at was there are 2 things that make a marriage work: Communication and Sex. I spent alot of time as a new husband trying to figure out why my wife didn’t speak the same love language as me (sex). It took me way longer than it should have, but I eventually figured out that I wasn’t equipping her to be able to respond to me sexually, by not setting aside time to REALLY listen to her, and share my heart with her, and show her that I care about what she cares about, and I hurt when she hurts, etc. – THAT brings about the emotional connection that makes SEX so much easier and more fulfilling. I hope that better explains what I mean with this post. By no means should you just sit there and pretend to be listening, just so you hopefully get something in the sack later. What I AM saying is that the husband should stop and SET ASIDE TIME to LISTEN to her – even if he doesn’t feel like it at the time, and IN TURN it will help the wife respond to HIM later even if she may not feel like it at the time. Make sense? Thanks for responding!

        • Irene
        • May 27th, 2012

        Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind hearted reply!

  2. Love the “quickie” analogy. Very clever and helpful.

    • Cape Cod Pauie
    • August 18th, 2012

    What a crock. Women want all their needsmet before they will entertain meeting the most important need a husband has. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Bottom line: wives are either lazy, selfish and insecure in married relationshps. They want the man to go out and bring home the bacon for them & their children’s security and do not have the decency to take care of their husbands once or twice per week.

    Imagine if the husband stopped going to work because he had a headache, wasn’t in the mood, etc. Get the picture?

    • Wow, sombody a little bitter? Maybe focus on your wife a little more, instead of ranting about what she DOESN’T do, and thing may improve? Thanks for the comment!

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