Without further ado, here is the .PDF with the results - 

Sex After Kids Survey

In most marriages, there is a “higher drive spouse” (HDS) and a “lower drive spouse” (LDS). If this doesn’t apply to your marriage, you can safely disregard this post.

In most cases, the Husband is the HDS, and the wife is the LDS, but this is becoming more and more not the case. A great resource for wives who are the HDS, is  “Spice & Love – A Higher Drive Wife”. Because of this, I’m going to avoid addressing the issue as just one applying to husbands, and address it in general. 

In our marriage, we were pretty typical; for the first year or so, our sex drives were pretty well matched. Most times I initiated, and she was more often than not, very willing to go along.

Then came the kids, and all the “distractions” that come with both pregnancy, and taking care of the little life that is now your responsibility to feed, clothe, and diaper. It was during the 2nd and 3rd year of our marriage, when the bedroom started to be much more of a place to fall into bed and sleep, then a place to have fun together sexually. It took a lot of give on both sides, and keeping the lines of communication open, to get back to where we are today.

But knowing how it feels doesn’t do anybody any good, unless we use that knowledge to help our LDS (husband or wife) understand. That’s what it took in our marriage, to turn things around. My wife had no clue what sex meant to me, and how it was so much more than “just the act” to me, until I sat her down, and lovingly explained how I felt, and poured out my heart to her about the hurt I was feeling from her constant rejection sexually.

So that’s what I want to do with this post. I want to offer the LDS a peak inside the mind of their HDS spouse, without even having to get off the couch (or computer, or whatever you’re reading this thing on).

Five things your “high drive spouse” may never tell you - 

• It’s part of who we are – As a HDS we need sex and lots of physical touch to feel loved. What does this mean to you? Well, let’s say you do EVERYTHING you can think of for us, that YOU would think shows us that you love us (cooking meals, cleaning the house, working on the lawn, caring for the house, etc, etc, etc) – we will still not feel loved without you being sexually open to us. It just doesn’t work. It’s like trying to put everything BUT gas in a car to make it run. It’s not going to work. We CRAVE the sexual relationship with our spouse, and without it, we feel unloved, un-cared for, and un-important.
• We can’t just “turn it off” – I know as the LDS, it’s hard to understand this, but for us HD spouses, it’s a constant thing on our mind. It may not always be on the front burner, but it’s always there somewhere. Even if we just had sex, within a few hours, the thoughts like “I wonder when he/she’s going to want me again”, or “how long until I can convince him/her to love me like this again”, start to creep into our heads. We start to wonder if we’re “freaks” or  if there is something wrong with us, because you seem to not (or very rarely) ever NEED it like we do. That’s why we get so frustrated when you exclaim things like “that’s all you ever think about” or “just turn it off!”, because we don’t know how, and it makes us angry that we can’t.
• The pain of “NO” becomes too hard to hear after a while – When a HDS asks their spouse for sex, it’s a HUGE thing to us. We usually have thought about asking, and what would be the best way, or what would go over the best, or what kind of mood you’re in, or how you may react - for a long time before we ask. It may have also taken us a while to get up the nerve to finally ask. So when we finally do, and you either brush it off, or roll your eyes, or give us a “oh come on, really?”, it hits us pretty deep. We of course don’t admit this most times, and try to make a half-hearted attempt at turning it into a “oh, it’s ok hon, if you’re not into it right now, don’t worry about it”, or something like that, but it hurts. We feel like we just put a very intimate part of ourselves out there, and you stomped on it. After a long period of “not tonight” responses, we tend to stop asking. Not because we don’t long to be with you, but because the pain of being rejected – yet again – hurts too much. To us it’s like burning your finger on a hot pan, and then going back the next day, and doing it again. After a while, it’s just worth it.
• We don’t expect you to be us, we just want you to be “naked and smiling” – We understand you don’t have the drive that we do. We understand you’re not going to be raring to go at all hours of the day and night. We get that, and we’re fine with it! What we’re trying to ask for, and most times do a lousy time explaining, is we just want you to ACCEPT us for who we are. We already feel like there’s something “wrong with us” for wanting to have it 3 or 4 times a week, and you constantly telling us to “go take a cold shower”, or rolling your eyes like “are you kidding me?” makes us feel that way even more. There was a time where I started to hate my sex drive. I even looked for ways to get rid of it. I thought “if I can just get rid of this, we’d never argue about anything!”. But what we found out is that God created ME to have that drive, and have the not-so-fun-job of being the one that makes sure we don’t go to long without sex, a that we keep that connection, that the LDS doesn’t realize they want/need as much/bad as the HDS, but just don’t have the feelings to do so, without a little “un-burying” of those thoughts from the pile of other things that may still be on your mind from the rest of the day. That’s why if you as the LDS could just make enough effort at the start, to be “naked and smiling”, even if you may not even feel like sex at the moment, you’re showing us that you care about us, and love us enough as our wife/husband to say “I don’t really need it right now, but I realize that you do, and I’m the only one that can legitimately meet this need for you, and so I’m not going to only do it, but smile while I do.” There’s nothing that drives a HDS more batty, and hurts him/her more, then when you are perfectly able (not sick, pregnant, headache, flu, etc) to meet our need, but refuse to do so for no reason. It feels like you are just dangling a treat in front of our nose, and then putting it back in the drawer and saying “nope, maybe tomorrow”. Ouch! And did I mention super frustrating to a HDS? We just need you to be ok with who we are. We need you to love who we are. We’re ok with you saying “honey, I love you and I’ll do whatever you need, but I just can’t get crazy into it tonight”. That still says “I love and accept you”. What hurts is the refusal to love us for who we are.
• Meeting a sexual need, doesn’t always mean intercourse – Please don’t misunderstand us here, if we’re asking for you to connect sexually with us, it doesn’t always have to mean full-blown intercourse. It can be as simple as rolling over with a smile on your face and saying “sounds like you need something taken care of” and helping us manually, or something to that effect. That does a TON for the HDS, when he/she is wanting to be intimate, but time/desire/energy just isn’t there at the time from the LDS. Don’t expect it to lessen the desire the next day to “fully connect” with you, but it goes a HUGE way in the heart of the HDS in showing him/her you love her, and understand his/her need – and while giving you some time to fully wrap your head around sex the next day.

Hey, you made it all the way to the end alive! Hopefully you’re not thinking you’re married to a complete wierdo after this, but instead have some sort of idea where your HDS is coming from.

What say you? 

Last week I put out the “Sex after kids survey” (head on over and take it if you haven’t, then come back), and while the results are still rolling in (we’ll post the full results in a couple of weeks), there are a few things that are proving overwhelmingly obvious already.

The first thing is when asked “what are the biggest issues in your sex life?” The three biggest responses by large margins are currently (in order from biggest to smallest) “tired”, “frequency”, and “don’t feel my spouse wants to work on it”.

Also, when asked what the current state of their sex lives were, the large majority of people respond “it’s just ok,  I think it could be a lot better if we worked at it more”.

I don’t know about you, but all that sure starts to sound familiar. Basically, what’s being said is “we would have a better sex life if we would work on in, and the number one reason we don’t, is we’re too tired.”

Let me put this another way. So most couples want a better sexual relationship. Most couples feel it could be better if they worked on it. And most couples would do so, if they weren’t so tired. Huh. Go ahead and read that again. I’ll wait. Got it? Ok good, so in general, the biggest obstacle to enjoying the sex life with your spouse that God designed you to have, and you deeply desire (even if you don’t realize it), is that we pack so much into our day, that we are too exhausted to invest in our marriage? Yeah, that really makes sense.

My dad always told me “you probably shouldn’t complain about something you’re not willing to work on.“ I didn’t like it as a kid, and I don’t really like it as an adult, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

I guess what I’m saying, is that sometimes we don’t really like where we are in our marriage, but we don’t dislike it ENOUGH, to actually WORK on it. This is especially true with our sex lives. We convince ourselves “it’s too much work” to talk about it, and re-hash the “same argument” that always ends the same way (or so we say).

Or if it’s just “being tired” that is holding you back, maybe it’s time to take a serious look at the ol’ day planner, and figure out how big of a priority your marriage really is. Does it come before golf, or video games, or working on the yard, or the house, or hanging out with your buddies, or (insert your own blank)? Maybe it’s time to readjust your schedule a bit as to not leave you totally drained when your finally get around to seeing your spouse.

Sorry if this is harsh, but believe me, I’m talking to myself here – maybe it’s time to “put up or shut up” when it comes to taking responsibility for your marriage, and sex life. If you don’t like where your sex life is right now, are you working on it? Are you taking steps to communicate, and improve?  Or is it easier to just keep channel surfing?

Maintaining a sex life after those little beings called “kids” show up, can be quite a challenge!

Will you take a few minutes to complete our latest survey on this topic? This survey is for both HUSBANDS and WIVES, and it is totally anonymous. 

We will post the results after a few weeks. 

Thanks for your help, and feel free to share this with your friends! The more that take it, the better picture we’ll get.

CLICK HERE to take the survey! 

My wife and I will be celebrating 8 years of marriage coming up on May 14th. In some ways it feels like it’s been a lot longer, and in some ways it seems like just yesterday she walked down that aisle towards me to start our life together.

We got married in a small lake town in Oregon called Wallowa Lake. It had always been a special place to us as kids, as both our families would vacation there, and there are a lot of memories for us growing up as kids. Anyway, we got married there, honeymooned there, and are headed back there for our anniversary this year. We were talking about our upcoming trip the other day, and it reminded us of our honeymoon, and the funny things that made it “memorable” 8 years ago. For example -

We rented a pretty nice two-story “cabin” for our honeymoon, and it was by no means a “rustic” kitchen, but for some reason we had a hard time in the “cooking meals” department. The first “incident” was our first night there. We knew we were going to be tired and want something quick to prepare after the wedding and all the stress of preparing for the big day, so we brought one of those DiGorno pizzas from home to just be able to throw in the oven. Well, Val put it in the oven while I was taking a shower or something, and somehow she didn’t get the circle of cardboard off of the bottom of the pizza, before she stuck it in the oven. As you can imagine, about 7 minutes later as the smoke alarm was going off in the background, I asked “what in the world is burning?” We looked in the oven, and the cardboard was just starting to smolder and start to flame up a bit. We quickly got it out, and threw the cardboard into the sink to douse the fire. That was our first “cooking adventure”.

Adventure #2 was on the second day, when we decided to use the BBQ at the cabin to cook some steaks we had bought. This was all fine and dandy, except for the fact that I was used to cooking on a GAS grill, not a charcoal grill. But being the “man of the house” now, I was sure I could remember how my dad used to do it, and I’d show my new wife that I was a grill expert.

So, I went down to the deck and found an old bag of  briquettes that somebody had left from whoever had stayed there before, and began to build a pyramid in the bottom of the BBQ like I remembered my Dad doing. Once I had a pretty decent sized pile, I put a good dose of lighter fluid over all of them, and lit it. With a small “whoosh” it lit up, and I was on my way. Or so I thought.

About 15 minutes later, I brought the steaks down and proceeded to spread out the  briquettes in the bottom of the BBQ, just like dad used to, and put the steaks on the grill. It didn’t seem as hot as I remembered when I was a kid, but oh well I thought, it must just take a little bit longer to heat up.

I set up a lawn chair by the BBQ to keep an eye on the steaks. After about 10 minutes, I checked them, and while they were starting to cook, it had barely even seared the meat on the side facing the coals. Huh. Well, it must just take longer than gas, I thought. Another ten minutes go by, and I checked them again. Still, not much cooking going on. By now my wife is asking if the steaks are almost ready, because the rest of the food is getting close. I proceed to tell her that the BBQ seems to be “broken”, and we are going to have to cook them in a fry pan on the stove. I’m really frustrated at this point, and I grab the steaks off the still luke warm grill, and go upstairs to the kitchen.

Fast forward to about an hour later, after we had finished eating dinner, I went back down to the BBQ to clean it up and put it away. I opened the lid to scrape the grill, and to my surprise the coals were white-hot, and ready to cook an elephant. Turns out I was a little quick on the draw to start cooking.

At the time we didn’t see this stuff as very funny, but now as we look back, stories like this are some of the things we remember most about our honeymoon. (Or at least the memories that I can put in a blog…lol).

I think it’s good to stop and remember the good times you’ve had together. The times that you’ve laughed together. The times you’ve had fun as a couple. There are times for me when life get’s so busy and filled up with work, kids, dinner, dishes, bed, and repeat – that we forget to laugh with each other. We forget how much FUN having FUN with your spouse is. Even if it doesn’t seem great or fun at the time. May we not forget that when life seems to get a little “same old same old”.

Ok, so now it’s your turn. What are some funny memories from your honeymoon? Things that didn’t quite go as planned, or as expected? From your first night together, to finding out your new husband/wife snores so loud,  you couldn’t sleep, to starting the kitchen stove on fire – let’s hear em’! 

My eldest son is about to turn 6 years old. He was born premature by 7 weeks, and came out weighing a mere 4.14 pounds. I remember holding that precious tiny bundle there in the delivery room, thinking “how can something this small, ever grow up to be an adult sized person?” I’ve watched this little boy go from not being able to get around at all, to being able to run and jump at will. I’ve listened to him learn how to form words, how to show emotions, how to understand how things work, how to be honest, how to say “I’m sorry”, how to share - in short, I’ve watched him grow up.

It’s funny how this applies to marriage. I know me for one, got married with not much idea of how to do anything, or what I needed to be for my wife. In the “infant” stage of marriage, I expected to be able to have sex whenever I wanted, I expected her totally fulfill me in every area. I didn’t think we would fight like “every other couple”, because after all, we’re in love, and other couples “must just not be doing it right.” I had lots of expectations of what our marriage would look like, mostly based off of what I saw my parents act out growing up. As you can imagine, a lot of my “expected normal” hit the fan within the first few days.

I wonder if God looked down much like I do with my kids and smiled as I learned the hard way to be less about me, and more about my wife and family. The times that I failed (and still fail), the times that I mess up what an “older” husband would have no problem navigating. The “growing up” process. Learning to be married. Learning to give when I don’t feel like it.  Learning to go from crawling, to teetering on those first steps, to maybe a good solid walk, and someday being able to run without falling (or at least as much).

I’ve come to realize there is a process of maturing in a marriage. Not just reading the “top ten things you need to know about your marriage” book, and going “ok! I’m all finished!”, but truly maturing in both your relationship with each other, and also with God.

I feel there are times where just as my son didn’t like the idea of using the “potty” at first, and wanted to stay in diapers, we too can become stubborn. Refusing to grow because it’s “more work” to grow. It takes an “effort”. We might even fail over and over before we get it, and complain that “it’s too hard”, or exclaim that “it was better/easier the way it was”, complaining and muttering the whole way, not realizing how much further we really have to go, and how much better marriage (and not having to be an adult in diapers) can be.

Fast forward to today – almost 8 years from the day I said “I do” to my lovely wife. I feel like I’m about as old as my marriage is, when it comes to understanding it. Like an 8-year-old, I feel like while there are times I have those “ah ha!” moments and go “so THAT’S what she’s thinking when I say that!” I still struggle with things like communication, and putting my wife before myself. But I AM getting there. And I’m learning to DESIRE to always be working on my marriage. There is no “pause” in marriage, there is only forward or backwards.

So, what have I been learning lately, that a lot of you probably already know, but maybe some of you who are just starting out, haven’t figured out yet? Here’s the two biggest things I’ve been trying to get down in my daily walk. If they don’t apply to you, go back to reading the sports page. If they do, hopefully you’ll you find encouragement to keep doing, or start doing it/them better.

#1 – Flipping my idea of a “perfect marriage” upside down – Ok, what if instead of thinking the goal of marriage is supposed to make us happy, we thought of marriage in the light of “marriage is a tool the Lord uses to cause us to grow and become more like Him”?

Think about that for a minute. We get so caught up in the “I NEED TO BE HAPPY” culture, we forget the BENEFIT of STRUGGLE. How many times have I muttered under my breath “why can’t she just be more like me! See things MY way a little more?!” And the Lord has to remind me “Gerad, what are you LEARNING from this?”, and you know what? After we’ve come through it, and even though it’s sometimes painful, we come out of it stronger, and more equipped to handle whatever conflict/strife/issue that arises the next time. The bond is strengthened. Character is built. Our relationship with Him is strengthened.

Now don’t lose me here, I’m not saying that marriage is always an un-happy, hard to deal with, issue filled, mess - what I’m trying to get across, is that when it DOES arise, use it as inspiration to buckle down and strengthen the commitment you have to the marriage, instead of saying “nope, this is too hard, I’m done” and walking away. We are FAR TOO WILLING to hit the “panic! I’m not happy!” button, instead of taking a deep breath, backing up, and saying “Lord, what are you trying to get me to learn here? Give me the understanding and strength to grow through this in the way You want me to.”

#2 – I’m learning to serve my wife – I’m learning (and failing, and getting up and failing again), to serve my wife without thinking in the back of my head “she owes me one now, after I do all this”. There is an unexplainable joy that comes from truly serving my wife – because I WANT to, not because I’m hoping it will improve my odds tonight, or I’m trying to get it so she “owes me one”. Finding little ways to say “I love you”, learning how she thinks, and then making sure to support her in the way she needs, taking my time and putting HER needs first in the bedroom, understanding her need to feel she knows my heart, and I’m emotionally open to her – all ways (way too many others to list) I can serve my wife. Because she always deserves it? No. Because that’s the example Christ set for me to follow when I didn’t deserve it? Bingo.

Please hear my heart as I write this stuff guys – I don’t want you to get the idea that I’m some kind of “perfect guy” who writes a marriage blog, and has it all together. A guy who never struggles with anything, and has the picture perfect marriage and kids. I do struggle. I don’t know it all. I have a LOT to learn. I fail. A lot. But by God’s grace, I keep going. I keep putting one foot after another. I keep on driving for a better relationship with my wife. Through the times when my mind says “you don’t even like her right now”, I push through the pride and love her anyway. But it’s hard. And I don’t always succeed. But until I take my last breath, I will ALWAYS try. Why? Because it’s what God has called me to do as a husband. It’s what God has called YOU to do as a husband. It’s making us more like Him. It’s making us grow up. And that’s worth it.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me the question: “How do you keep your sex life, and the closeness that comes along with it – active, or at least not TOTALLY dead, while one spouse is sick/disabled/can’t perticipate like they wish they could.”

And don’t skim over the important part, the sick/disabled spouse WISHES they could perticipate in intercourse (even if it’s just for the sake of the other spouse), but because of their temporary condition, they are not able to.

I’m talking life events like injuries, pregnancy (morning sickness), back problems, etc. Things that take the intercourse option off the table for the time being.

So, it’s your turn – What have you found that helps?

How do you releave the sexual tension, when sex isn’t an option?

How do you avoid hurt feelings, when one spouse still wants a “normal” sex life, but the other one can’t give them that for now?

Ready…….? GO!

Post your comments below!

I want to pose a question for you. One that is not easy to answer. One that is hard to answer HONESTLY. Here’s the question:

Are you counting too much on your wife (an imperfect person, who will always fail) to make you happy, or in the Lord (perfect, never fails) to satisfy this “need”?

Let me explain. I have found periods in my life when I am relying TOO MUCH on my wife to satisfy my every need – whether that be sexual, emotional, or otherwise, and becoming either depressed, or angry, or both, when she doesn’t “measure up” to this impossible mark I have set in my head.

Let me let you in on a little secret - your wife is NEVER going to meet your every need. As hard as she may try, it will never TOTALLY fulfill your every need. And you know why this is? Because the LORD is the ONLY one who can.

Here’s what usually happens (or at least to me) – we get busy with “life”, and start putting less and less priority on spending QUALITY time with the Lord in the mornings, maybe still having “devotions”, but not really seeking His face, or cultivating a relationship with Him. At the same time this is all going on, I’m starting to depend more and more on my WIFE to make me “happy” or feel “fulfilled”. This never has a good ending.

Now as with everything, there are “exceptions” to this scenario, but I’m telling you men, if we are not putting the LORD first in our lives, and trying instead to make our WIVES “fill that spot”, we will go through life always feeling unfulfilled, frustrated, and mad at the world.

What would happen instead, if we TRULY put the LORD first in our lives, and let HIM fully satisfy our deepest needs and desires? If we sincerely got rid of the sin in our lives, and committed to living a life dedicated to serving others, and putting our wives and families BEFORE ourselves? All of a sudden the “pressure” on our wives to be EVERYTHING for us (including the things they’re not supposed to fulfill) is gone!

The Lord never expected our wives to take HIS place! On the contrary! ”Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” – Matthew 6:33  Did you hear what he said there? EVERYTHING? So that means that as men, we need to make darn sure our walk with Christ is at the first and foremost position in our lives, and then our wives, families, job, etc follow after that. Instead, we tend to be lazy in our spiritual lives, and then get mad at our wives for not giving us this or that, and for causing our unhappiness, when really, the dissatisfaction we feel is from a lack of connection with God, not our wife. Our wives are just easier to take it out on.

Yes, you’re supposed to have a close relationship with your wife. Yes, you’re supposed to be best friends, and cherish and adore your bride. Yes, she is supposed to fulfill your sexual needs (notice I said “needs”, not “wants”), and love and support you. But she is going to fail. She’s human.

Sorry if this post isn’t a “feel good” one today. The Lord has really been working on my heart lately about this stuff, and I feel we as Christian husbands, have really fallen short in really BEING the Men in Christ that we CLAIM to be. Instead, we seem to take the easy road out, hit church every week, read a Bible story or two to the kids at night, and put a mental “check mark” on our “God time”. This is NOT good enough. This needs to change.

So maybe it’s time to take a long, hard look at where your spiritual life is REALLY at right now. Do you feel like you have a live, active, relationship with Him? Do you look forward to your time with Him everyday? Or has He just become something your “affiliated with”, but don’t really pursue? Maybe it’s time we stand up and really mean it when we say “For me and my house we will serve the LORD”. Maybe it’s time we quit blaming out wives for not “fulfilling” what God didn’t create them to fulfill. 

Ok, this post is for the husbands AND the wives.

Do you remember the first day at your job? If it’s like most jobs, you came in, had somebody walk you through the building/business, show you where everything was, warn you about hazards you may encounter, and then pair you up with a “buddy” that would help be part of your training for a couple of weeks, or however long it took until you were ready to “fly solo”.

Now compare that to the “training” you receive on sex, before the wedding night. For most couples, you pick up what you can from books, or the internet, or a best friend – or if you’re lucky it’s included in your pre-marital counseling. But for most couples, you’re basically given a few pointers, and then thrown into a hotel room, and told “just go have fun! It will be GREAT!” Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. And sure, there’s nothing wrong with that, in a way, it’s fun and adventurous to have to “figure it out together” on your wedding night. But just like a baby get’s tired of just eating milk, and wants to move on to solid food, so our sex lives can suffer due to “just doing what we’ve always done”, because of our lack of effort. So,  after the first year of “just having sex is so AMAZING!” Wears off, it’s time to pull up a desk, and actually learn something about how your spouse’s body works.

For the husbands, first we have to overcome some “I’m already amazing, and I don’t need to learn anything” attitude. Yes, you may know where her vagina is, and I’m sure you know how to insert part A into part B, but have you ever taken the time to get a book and really LEARN about her anatomy? How female arousal works? How there are several different “pleasure spots” that you can stimulate to cause her to utter things you can’t quite understand, but that are obviously good? If you want her to enjoy sex as much as you do, and are really interested in being a student of your wife, it’s time to jump in there, and quit pulling the “well, I’ve always just rubbed here, and she’s fine with it” mantra. Yeah, that look on her face really says “I’m fine with it”. Come on guys! You’re goal should be to make her feel SO GOOD during sex, that she literally can’t speak for a few minutes afterwords. No, this doesn’t’ have to happen EVERY time, there are days you need you make it to church on time, but you need to know how, for those times your wife needs that.

Ok wives, now it’s your turn. Ah yes, the penis. You’re either scared to death of it, or you like it, but don’t really know what to do with it, or you’d like to know more about it, but “good girls” don’t really read about this kind of thing, do they? First of all, your husband would love nothing more than you spending time learning about his favorite part of his body. In fact you would probably have to throw a bucket of ice water over him to wake him up again, if you said something like “hey, so I got this book so I could learn more about your penis”. You have no idea what it means to your husband that you care enough about HIM and your SEX LIFE, to learn how to drive him wild in bed. And yes, I know some of you are going “honestly, by the time I get through the day, I’m lucky to be able to get a dinner on the table, and the laundry done, and my husband’s penis is the last thing on my mind at that point.”. I get that. All that I’m asking, is you give it a shot. Be a student of your husband. Make him see that what’s important to HIM, is also important to YOU. It doesn’t mean you must have sex MORE, it just means you’ll be better at it – when you DO.

Now to both of you, remember, your husband/wife are totally unique in the way they like to be touched, stimulated, etc. While “how to” books are good ways to get basic understanding on anatomy, how the different “parts” work, and how “most people” like this or that done, it’s always best to take your newly found information, and apply it, but don’t be totally disappointed if it doesn’t work perfectly EXACTLY like the book said to do it. Remember, being a student of your spouse, means sexually also. Figuring out what THEY like, is part of the fun! So start with a good book on the subject, and then tailor it to your spouse.

I know it’s easy to get lazy in marriage. “What’s always worked, is ‘good enough’ for us” seems to be the norm. But why give your spouse easy? How about rocking their world every now and then? How about being willing to try new things together? Let’s show the world how God really designed sex to be in the marriage bed. Not boring, or predictable, or “un-exciting” like TV portrays it, but AMAZING, EXCITING, and incredibly REWARDING. 

Ever been there? You’re trying your hardest to explain to your wife that you “need sex more often as a way to connect and feel close to her”, and all she’s hearing is “she’s not good enough” and “no matter how hard I she tries, she’s not enough”. You keep arguing for a while, but after a while, you either decide it’s not worth it to argue about anymore, or you just give up and walk away feeling hurt and like you somehow “don’t matter to her” because obviously if you did, she would see  how much sex means to you, and be more willing oblige you.

Ok, I think we’ve all been there at least one time in our marriage. So what do you do about it? What can you do? After all, if she doesn’t want to have sex, it’s pretty hard to “make her” want you.

Well, first let’s start with what you DON’T want to do:

Shut Down – Don’t pull the “well fine, I’m going to give you the silent treatment” thing on her. I know it’s hard, but be the bigger person, keep your commitment to love her no matter what, and do your best to stay emotionally open to her.

Pout – Kind of like the “shut down” thing, but a little more childish. I don’t even need to explain it – you know what I’m talking about, and it’s not attractive.

Ask, and ask, and ask, and ask – You know how annoying it is when your child keeps asking to play Nintendo, or buy something, and no matter how many times you say “no”, they just keep going? Does it make you want to give them what they want any more? No. Ok, so why would it work on your wife? She knows you want/need it. She hasn’t forgotten. So quit begging.

Watch porn instead - “Well, it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t care about my needs, so it’s “ok” if I satisfy my physical need with a little porn. It’s not like I’m hurting anything”. WARNING: That is a LIE straight from hell. Satan would like NOTHING MORE than to see the intimacy in your marriage torn apart, and the fastest way he can do this, is wedge porn in between you and your wife. It DOES hurt someone, it hurts YOU! It might not feel like it at the time, but PLEASE UNDERSTAND it brings nothing but PAIN and DYSFUNCTION to your marriage. Oh, and by the way, it might give you something to satisfy the physical urge with, but it will do NOTHING to satisfy the need you still have to have sex with your wife. Just the OPPOSITE - now, you will be struggling to get the images of other women out of your mind, as you make love to your wife. It’s NOT WORTH IT. Run from it. 

Ok, so those are some things to AVOID, now let’s look at things that might HELP the situation:

Pray for her – There’s nothing more powerful than praying for your spouse. And when I say “pray for her”, I don’t mean “complain about her” in prayer. Don’t start with “Lord, what the heck is wrong with the woman you gave me?” Instead, pour your heart out to God. Ask him to bless your marriage, in EVERY aspect, and show you ways you can be a better husband, even if she isn’t totally meeting your needs right now. Ask Him to soften her heart towards you, and let her see what you’re really trying to get across to her.

Don’t ask more than every 48 hours – Don’t ask me how I know this, but for some reason, if you ask MORE than that, you’ll hear a lot of “that’s all you ever want!” from your wife. Most times it’s better to wait 3 days to ask again, but if you “can’t wait” that long, at least 48 hours is usually good enough to avoid the “you just asked yesterday!” exclamation.

Don’t panic – Since the sex need is most times much more “driven” in men than women, if we feel like she’s rejecting us, and it’s been a few days/weeks since we last had sex, there’s a tendency to panic, and go right to the “she’s never going to want to have sex with me again” phase. Don’t do this! Instead, calmly try to look at the situation, and ask yourself a few questions. What time of the month is it? Is she pregnant? Is she sick? Has she been really stressed at work/home lately? Try and access what may be working against you, besides the “she just hates me” theory. Where she is in her cycle plays a HUGE part in how active her sex drive is. If you’re asking a few days before her period starts, you’d probably have a better chance of being an Olympic gold medalist in basket weaving. On the other hand, the days she’s ovulating, she may be the one asking YOU for sex. And then there’s all the other days between. Do yourself a favor, and learn you wife’s cycle. There are even APPS that help with this. You will save yourself a LOT of pain. The Generous Husband has a great post on this and you can read it HERE.

Watch HOW you ask – If you haven’t figured this out by now a “Hey, I’m horny, wanna have sex?” May have worked on your honeymoon (maybe), but after a few years, it will most likely get you nothing but a rather large “eye roll” from your wife. Asking like that makes her feel like a piece of meat. When you ask, try something more along the lines of “Hey hon, I’ve really been missing you lately, would you be interested in making love later?”. Asking like that gives you a little better odds at a “yes”.

Make sure you’ve got “your end” together – in other words, if the most meaningful conversation you’ve had with your wife in the last week is whether she wants ranch or BBQ for her chicken nuggets, she’s probably not feeling very emotionally connected to you, and in turn, not feeling very interested in having sex with a “stranger” that hasn’t talked to her about anything in over a week. Make it a PRIORITY to SIT DOWN, turn OFF the TV, and actually LISTEN to her talk about her day, what she’s concerned about, etc, on a DAILY basis. And for gosh sakes, turn off Sports Center while you do this. Remember, this makes her feel connected to us, just like sex makes us feel connected to her.

Quit comparing her to others – “Why can’t we just have a sex life-like (insert married couple you look up to, or one you think has a great sex life)?” Let me let you in on a little secret: You’re not them. And even if you were, I’d lay good odds that they’re not quite as “problem free” as you may think they are. Funny how that works. Kind of back to the whole “grass is greener” myth. So stop comparing/wishing you were like somebody else, and make the best of what you DO have. Otherwise you’re just going to continue to be disappointed when you continue to not “live up” to the imaginary standard you’ve set.

How serious is it? – Have you ever seen the “pain scale” that hospitals use in patient rooms? If not, it’s basically a little sign with a series of smiley faces. The one all the way to the left is “unbearable pain”, and the one all the way to the right is “no pain at all”. You can use the same idea to rate how serious an issue the “no sex” issue really is in your marriage. For example, has it been 4 months since you had sex last, and it’s been constant rejection for as long as you remember? Or is this something fairly recent that has developed? Is she just going through a “funk” right now due to health issues, pregnancy, etc.?  Or is bad enough that it doesn’t  matter if she feels good or not, it’s still constant rejection? If your answer if the former, just wait it out for a while, odds are it’s going to get better, and you’ll be right back on track. If it’s the latter, you need to get some help. Start with a non-accusing “pour your heart out” talk with your bride. Explain how much she means to you, and how much you need to feel connected to her in this way. If that doesn’t work, find a good Christian counselor that can work with you guys, and find out what’s at the bottom of the issue. Odds are there’s something buried  or something that’s not obvious to both of you, that may be the very thing that is blocking you from having the sexual relationship God designed you to have. Don’t give up and “just live with it”. Sex is an amazing, and incredibly rewarding thing the He created for husband and wife to share. Take action, swallow a little pride, roll your sleeves up, and get some help with it. Do whatever you have to do to start moving in the right direction. You won’t be sorry you put in the effort. 

I’ve always had a sweet tooth. I think my mom would say I had a whole mouth full of them, when I was growing up. Nerds, Skittles, Gummy Worms, Now and Later – you name it, I would eat it. We used to go to a small little general store where I grew up as a kid, and they had a little barrel of gummy worms at the register (this was before people cared too much about germs), and you could take the little set of tongs, and pick out as many gummy worms you wanted for 5 cents each. It was the highlight of the whole shopping trip for me.

I guess it’s no surprise I have the same tendency for sweets as an adult. It’s hard to find a gummy bear I don’t like. And I don’t know about you, but there are times when NOTHING sounds good but a something sweet. Ever felt that way? It’s like you get a “sweet craving”, and nothing else quite satisfies at the time.

Ok, so what the heck am I talking about, and what does it have to do with you?  Don’t go back to Pinterest yet, hear me out!

Your husband thinks about sex several times a day. I know it’s hard to imagine, but for most guys it’s up to 20 times a day. Not long drawn out thoughts, but it crosses his mind. Call it a “sweet craving”.

Now if he’s a good, upstanding, Christian husband, who is trying his best to keep his mind  pure from sexual influences besides his wife, most of these thoughts center around you. If not, that’s a whole other post. Either way, what I’m trying to get across, is that YOU can help decide what his mind “eats” to satisfy those little “sweet cravings” during his day.

For example, let’s say he heads to work, but before he walks out the door, you give him a kiss, and say something like “you know those red lace panties you like? That’s what you’ll be taking off me later tonight.” Or “Want to try a new location later?”, you have just given him “mind candy” that will last him the whole day. Now every time his mind thinks “sex” during the day, he’s thinking about those panties, or where you’re going to do it later. Remember, he’s going to think about something sexual, several times a day – why not give him something worth while to think on?

Man Mind Tip: Guys LOVE it when they feel like their wives are OK with their husbands thinking of them sexually. Even better when our wives GIVE US something to think about sexually! It’s like winning the car on The Price is Right.

It’s hard for wives to understand, but most of the time, church, society, etc has made men feel “dirty” or like there “must be something wrong with them” because they “think about sex all the time”, or have been told countless times “is that all you think about!?”. But here’s the deal (and I can hear the collective gasp) – A man’s high sex drive (as long as it is fueled by nothing but his wife, not porn, etc.) IS NOT “un-natural”, or “dirty”, or “need to be toned down” in any way! God DESIGNED it this way! As his wife, DO ALL YOU CAN TO ENCOURAGE your husband in this area. Assure him that you WANT him to be thinking about you, and you LOVE it that he finds you beautiful/sexy. I’m not saying you must have sex anytime he wants it, but he needs to know that you’re his “sure thing” (GREAT post from J at HH&H), and you love the idea of him finding sexual satisfaction in YOU ALONE.

That’s why giving him something to think about all day, means so much to him. He LOVES it that you care enough about HIM (not the kids, dog, PTA, dishes) to think up those little “treats” during the day. “But what if I don’t think “that way” during the day? I have 3 little kids at home, and am lucky if I can find 10 minutes to use the bathroom, let alone send my husband sexy messages.” I understand you have 15 irons in the fire most of the time, but I can’t tell your enough how much something that takes 30 seconds, can mean to your husband.

“A few M&M’s, or a FULL candy bar?” – Ok, so you’ve head the saying “a picture is worth a thousand words”? Well, I swear it must have been written by a man, because let me tell you, it’s true. Now I’ve heard a lot of marriage bloggers with several different opinions on sending each other sexually “suggestive” photos via text/email, and you do what you think is best here - but I say what good is technology, if you can’t have a little fun with it? (Ok, now I am starting to sound like a classic man again). Let me explain. If you have an Android phone (I think you can get this for the iPhone too), go to the Play Store, and download an app called “Audio Manager (hide)”. This handy little app takes cover as a volume app to anyone that may see it on your phone, but if you hold your finger on a hidden spot on the screen, and put in a pin number, it’s really an encrypted “digital vault” to hide those photos/videos you wouldn’t want your mother in law to stumble upon when she was browsing through the grand kids birthday party photos. My wife and I have used it for a couple of years now, and it works great! All you have to do when you get a photo you want to hide, is simply click on the “share” button on your phone, and “share” it with the Audio Manager application – POOF! It’s not in your photos anymore!

Then the only other things you would need to be careful about, are things like double and triple checking that you’re sending the photo to the right PERSON (Your husband, not a random friend), and then knowing your husband isn’t going to open it in his work email, not knowing what it was, in front of the entire board of directors. Awkward. Basically, my advice is: BE SMART about it, know where you’re sending it, and then – HAVE FUN with it! Oh, and another word of caution: IF you’ve never sent a picture like this to him before, he may think you’ve totally lost it, or have finally opened up the cooking Sherry after a long day with the kids. But don’t worry, after the initial “Wow! Really?!” Response, he’ll have this big goofy grin on his face the rest of the day.

I’m going to end this post with this – we (husbands) realize you’re not wandering around all day every day in some sort of sexual high. Life happens. Kids happen. Schedules happen. We get it. The stuff I’ve mentioned above doesn’t have to be an everyday thing. What I’m asking is that it be a more than once a week, or month, thing. I know it’s not how you think. I know it’s hard to understand that sex goes through his head so often, I know you’re thinking “I’m just not “ready to go” all the time like he is”. It’s ok! You’re not “strange” for not being sexual as much as he is. But what I’m asking - even pleading with you – is to realize that your husband IS dealing with these thoughts day in, and day out. He IS trying to keep his mind on his wife, and not other images/videos/commercials that the world is trying to bombard him with all the time. And he NEEDS you to come along side him and say “baby, I understand it’s a struggle to keep your mind pure, and I want you to know that even though I might not always “feel” like having sex, I am, and will always be, your “sure thing” if you need me. I don’t want you feeling like you need to “supplement” your drive with something else, because you feel like you can’t come to me for it.” At this point, if you’re wondering why your husband isn’t looking at you anymore, it’s probably because he’s trying to hide the tears in his eyes. You have no idea the weight you have just taken off his shoulders, and the stress you have just relieved. If you can somehow get to this point in your relationship with your husband, you will be a complete hero in his eyes.

The moral to this story? Don’t forget the power you have to help your husband’s “sweet tooth” center around you. And to him, you’re WAY better than candy anyway.

When you were growing up, dreaming of someday getting married and starting a family, it all seemed so easy in your head. You would find the girl of your dreams, get married, have lots of great sex, and therefore, end up having as many kids as you wanted, whenever you decided to have them. Simple. Easy. Right? Sadly, not at all.

About a week ago, my wife noticed her period was a few days late. Not being too concerned because her cycle isn’t always “exact”, we waited a few days. Still nothing. I brought home a pregnancy test, and we found out we had our own little “Christmas present” – unexpectedly on the way. While it was definitely a surprise, we both soon took to the idea, and were looking forward to having another “little Harris” to love, guide, be part of our little family.

Two days later, she started spotting. The next day there was more bleeding, and after going to the doctor to see what was going on, we found out what we feared the most – we had miscarried again.

I shared our first miscarriage story a in a post called “Miscarriage: The subject that never get’s brought up”. Being newly married at the time, we had no idea how to deal with the emotions we both felt, and felt in different ways. Being married a little longer now, and now having our third miscarriage a few days ago, we understand a little better how each other is going to react, and what we both need from each other for comfort/healing.

I think we fail to understand how many couples struggle with having kids. How many times couples have heard the words from their doctors like “it looks like it was a pregnancy that just didn’t develop”, and finding themselves staring at the exam room wall, lost in thoughts like “how could this happen again?” Or “I don’t understand, it was going so well” or “we wanted this so badly, how could God let this happen?”. The pain in these situations is deep, and for the most part suffered in silence. The couple being too afraid to say anything, because they don’t want people to think there is “something wrong with them”. After all, nobody else has problems like this, right? Why can’t we just be “normal” like everybody else, and have kids whenever we want? But what we don’t realize, is for the most part, it’s not “easy” for any couple.

I don’t know how many friends/coworkers, who after hearing our story, have come up to me and said things like “we have lost 3 also”, or “we tried for 3 years before we got pregnant”. What I think we miss is how COMMON this really is, and how desperate couples are to find support, and understanding from other couples, but it’s the subject nobody brings up. Too many misconceptions, to much of a “downer”, people don’t know what to say, it’s awkward, etc – all reasons we have for NOT talking about it. And every one of them bad reasons. If we would get over ourselves for long enough to admit we needed support, maybe we would be able to heal faster, grow stronger, and recover better, but no – our “go to” answer is usually “I’m fine” – when in reality “fine” is not at all how we feel.

Him vs. Her: The healing process - Husbands, when this happens, we need to be keenly aware, that how YOU will want to deal with the loss, and process it emotionally, is going to be totally different from what you wife is going to need/want. The faster you realize this, and come to grips with it, the better off you are in being able to support your wife during this time, without becoming totally frustrated at her instead.

If you’re like most guys, you are going to be sad for a few days from the loss, and then you’re going to start to get this “ok, we lost this one, but let’s fix this thing and just try it again” attitude. For us, we feel out of control by the whole situation, and as a guy – who usually has a “I can fix anything” outlook, it scares us that we can’t do anything, or control the circumstances. This means after we get through the sad phase, we tend to start looking at how we can make it right again, or “fix” what we lost. We tend to look at it almost like we would if we wrecked out car – yeah, it sucks we lost our car, and have to go through the whole process of getting a new one, but sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves, isn’t going to make it any easier. Let’s get to looking at new cars, and replace the one we wrecked! Come on, let’s FIX it!

But to your dear wife, this is the last thing she wants to hear is “we can always try again”. As a woman, she needs time to grieve the loss of this child. To her it’s not just something that didn’t work out, it was a child – HER CHILD – that was LOST.

You can talk to her until you’re blue in the face about how she “just needs to move on and let it go”, and she will not only respond badly, but start to resent you for not being able to grieve this loss with her. She will begin to feel like she is totally alone in her grief/sadness, and even become angry that you’re not showing any emotion about it.

What she needs from you is total LOVE and SUPPORT. She needs you to hold her while she cries, and reassure her (without attempting to fix) that it’s all going to be ok. She needs to hear you talk about your sadness (and yes guys, this is a HARD one for us) in losing your child – what you were planning to do with him/her, thoughts you had about it, etc. This helps her not feel alone in “missing” or grieving the loss of the child. She needs you to ASK her if she’s doing ok, and not getting mad, or rolling your eyes when she brings it up 6 months later, and tells you she’s been thinking about it quite a bit today.
I know it’s not the same for us, and we sometimes don’t understand the time is takes for our wives to heal, but so what? As if this is the first thing we don’t completely understand about how God created our wives. What matters is that we ARE there for them, and regardless of how long it may take, we make sure they know we are ALWAYS there for them if they need to talk about it, or even just cry while we hold them.

Also, make sure she’s not the only one that ever brings it up. Mention to her on a random day, that you were thinking about it today, or how you can’t wait to meet your other children in heaven some day. The smile you’ll get from your wife will be priceless.

Talk it out with your wife also. Help her understand you’re not trying to “bury it”, or pretend it didn’t happen, you just deal with it differently than she does. That way she isn’t expecting you to grieve in the same way she does. If it’s the first time you’ve been though this loss, she’s not going to know what you do, any more than you know how she’s going to handle it.

Remember, the WORST thing you could do it both shut down and build a wall between you. Talk, talk, talk – I don’t care how hard it is for you, you MUST keep those lines of communication open during times like this. Your marriage depends on it. You have to be willing to roll up your sleeves, and do whatever it takes to help see your marriage through it. Don’t settle for “oh well, she’ll get over it at some point, I don’t even know what to say to her anymore” – even if you don’t know what to say, tell her that! At least you’re not just giving up.

While the loss of an unborn child is a deeply sad, and horrible thing, there is a closeness and a trust that is built and made stronger between the husband and wife, IF the two sides are allowed to grieve in the way they need, and there is a willingness to ACCEPT the other person’s way as “ok”, not criticized, or downplayed, or made to feel bad that they either haven’t or have “gotten over it” yet, or so fast.

Neither side is “the right way” or the “only way” to get through it, and the sooner the both of you accept that, the better you’ll be at healing together, growing your relationship because of it, and gaining a deeper understanding of the mate God has given you. It will get better. The pain will begin to lessen. You will be able to move on. Just understand it is a process. One that you BOTH need.

The sex argument:  “She’s not giving me enough sex”, or “He’s not giving me enough sex”. Over and over we go through the same argument  the same hurt, the same “if you loved me you would have sex with me”.  This goes on for a few days or weeks, and then it get’s better for a while (mostly out of the party that’s not “putting out” as much as the other party would like, feeling guilty), but sooner than later (usually sooner), we’re back into the same never-ending battle.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been there. Got the t-shirt, and the key chain. Even have the hat. Not there anymore. But in getting from there to where we are now, we’ve learned a few things.  You know what it all really comes down to? YOU. It all comes down to you being able to say “I am going to willingly lay down my own selfishness and desires, for the benefit of my spouse and our relationship”. That’s it. The end. I should sell a book!

Oh yes, there are all kinds of excuses either party can come up with. There are all the standard reasons why you are right, and he/she’s not. Or why he/she doesn’t really NEED it as much as they say they do. Or that it’s not as important as everybody says it is. On and on they go…..blah blah blah. Every one of them just trying to excuse what is really at the bottom of it – selfishness. WE don’t want to do something, because WE don’t want to do it. It’s not going to kill us, it’s not going to hurt, it’s not an impossibility, it’s just WE don’t WANT to.

And it’s not like there aren’t plenty of things in this life that we do already, even though we don’t WANT to. I don’t WANT to go to work every day. I don’t WANT to get a filling at the Dentist. I don’t WANT to do yard work in the middle of the summer. But with all these things, what we may WANT or FEEL like doing, doesn’t really apply. Try calling up your boss one morning and telling him you just “don’t feel like” coming in today. Odds are he/she’s not going to be amused. Or what if we didn’t get that filling we needed, just because we didn’t FEEL like it? I don’t think the price of having your tooth decay and eventually fall out, is worth putting it off because you didn’t WANT to.

Why is it that we put sex with our spouse - the one that we stood up there with in front of all those people, and committed to LOVE and HONOR and CHERISH – below mowing the lawn, or going to work, or doing the laundry?! And don’t give me the “it’s just not the same” excuse! What we are saying to your spouses when we deny them sex (barring illness, physical disability, etc) is:

“Sorry honey, even though I know you need what you’re asking for, and can only get it from me, you’re not important enough to lay aside my own feelings/desires/mood, and give it to you”.

Not a real pretty statement is it? Not very sugar coated. Makes us look pretty pathetic really. So instead of just coming out and saying the wonderful line above, we say “sorry honey, work has been really tough lately, I’m just not there right now”, or “Sorry babe, I just don’t feel like it tonight”, or “I have a headache” – hoping to hide the true reason (stated above) behind a more “acceptable” excuse. One that makes us look a little better. Telling ourselves the whole time that “she should just understand”, or “he needs to know that he doesn’t get it anytime he wants it”.

A husband and wife should be able to depend SOLEY on one another for sexual satisfaction, and fulfilling their sexual desires. That means as long as neither party is being stimulated by ANY other sources (porn, erotica, romance novels, etc), their spouse should be able help them satisfy their sexual drive to the BEST of their ability!

“But what if I want to meet my souse’s need, but my body won’t follow?” It doesn’t have to ALWAYS be intercourse! There are plenty of “other ways” that the he can help her, or she can help him, get the release he/she needs, until the time when you can fully participate in intercourse. But just watch you attitude when you do this! This is KEY! If you have a  “fine, whatever, I’ll help you” attitude, is that showing love to your spouse? I don’t think so. Even if you have to “fake it” a little for the benefit of your spouse, you are trying to get across that you LOVE them and are WILLING be a servant to them, even if you may not be “totally into it”. And don’t tell me you can’t fake it, because I’ve heard people be right in the middle of a heated argument,  their phone rings, and all the sudden they go from blazing mad to “Hello? Hey Angie! (Big fake smile), I’m doing GREAT! How are you guys?” But when it comes to our mate, we have to make sure they know they’re really “putting us out”, and really show them we would rather be doing something else by our attitude.

And you know what that does for the spouse that is asking? It makes him/her think to themselves “I’m not going to ask again, because he/she doesn’t care about this anyway. I’m just an obligation to him/her.” And then that leads to that spouse seeking other, more “willing” sources (like porn or erotica) to satisfy their sexual needs. Wouldn’t you rather have you spouse come to YOU anytime they needed a sexual need met? Even if I’m not always on the same page, I would sure as heck rather have her coming to me, than be tempted to get that need met from some other source.

So, what if instead of throwing a mini-tantrum, we decided to do everything we could to WILL our minds into being “into” it for the sake of our spouse? What if we said to ourselves, “Ok, I’m making the decision to put my own feelings away for a few minutes, and help my husband/wife with a need he/she has that only I can meet. I’m going to do it because I LOVE him/her. I’m going to do it because I know it’s good for both of us, and makes our relationship stronger. It’s not going to kill me. I can do what I was going to do later. I’m making the CHOICE to put him/her first.” I think you may be surprised  at how you might find yourself “getting into it” more than you might have thought you would. But even if you don’t, it’s still worth it, because you can rest assured (and better if you’re headed to bed) that you just did something that may have not been on your top ten list at this moment, but in doing so you just built up your spouse, strengthened your marriage, and became closer together at the same time. Sounds a lot better than mowing the lawn anyway.