Sex: It matters more than you may think.

 

How’s your sex life with your wife lately? When I was first married I had a friend tell me “if you put a penny in a jar every time you have sex the first year you’re married, and then the second year take one penny out of the jar every time, you will never empty the jar”. It was funny at the time, but i had no idea how true it is. “Life” has a way of creeping in and if we let it, our once passionate marriage bed becomes a place where you collapse at the end of the day, give each other a peck on the cheek, and hope for a few hours of sleep before the baby wakes up. This is not how God wanted our marriages to be! He created SEX as a wonderful gift for a married couple to share together! If you think about it, sex is the ONLY thing that just you and your spouse can do together. You can talk to other people, you can share your heart with other people, you can do different activities with other people. SEX is the ONE THING that God reserved for just a husband and wife. Why is that? Because he knew it was extremely IMPORTANT in marriage! Have you ever read the book in the Bible called “The Song Of Solomon?” Maybe you should take a look at it. The whole book is dedicated to the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. Doesn’t sound to me like something that He wanted us to just do regularly for our honeymoon, and then after that just do on romantic holidays or birthdays. It sounds like something He wanted us to VALUE. 

So how do you keep your sex life going strong? Well, Val and I have been married for a little over 7 years so far, and while we are a LONG WAYS from having all the answers, we have pinpointed some things that come along in life that are like a wet blanket on your sex life.

Here are some the top ones:

  • Kids – Yes they’re cute. Yes they are multi-talented and “perfect” in every way (or so the grandparents say). But they are also needy, whining, energy and sanity draining little “black holes” that ALWAYS need something. Always. You have to carve out some alone time, even when the kids are young! Get a good lock on your bedroom door. Not a little flimsy thing, but I’m talking something you’d find at Fort Knox. You need to know that you are not going to be interrupted during your time together. Give the kids to the grandparents for the night. Not only is it good for the kids to see you making your marriage a priority, but it’s good for them to form deeper relationships with their grandparents. Make hay while the sun shines. In other words, use the little opportunities like nap time to sneak off to the bedroom for some “mom and dad time”.
  • Lack of Communication – Ok guys, I can see you rolling your eyes here, but this is SO TRUE! The closer your wife feels to you emotionally, the easier it is going to be for her to respond to you physically. And this is more than you letting her talk about her day when she gets home. She wants to hear from YOU about things that you have gone through during the day. Believe it or not, she actually cares about the little things you did during the day. Strange isn’t it? It’s so not like us guys, who would rather just come home and zone out for a while.
  • Waiting until you drag yourselves to bed at night – You’ve been there before, all day long you both are thinking about later, but by the time you actually make it to bed at 11pm, you’re so tired, it hard do much of anything besides pass out. Try and “schedule” it for earlier in the night, like right after the kids go to bed, or even earlier in the day while the kids are napping. I know it seems odd to have to “schedule sex” like a dentist appointment, but it’s better than never finding the time, and in turn lacking that connection for even longer.
  • Playing the “she won’t, so I won’t” game. –  If you haven’t figured it out by now, guys and gals have different needs they need to have filled in marriage, to feel close and accepted by their husband/wife. Sometimes we have a tendency to play the selfish card and say “well, if she’s not going meet my sexual need tonight, then I’m not going to talk to her, or communicate like she needs me to. So we just “grunt” in response to her efforts to have a conversation, or if we do talk, it’s short, polite answers that don’t give her close to what she needs in us communicating with us. Instead, even though it’s hard for us guys, MAKE THE EFFORT to put your own needs on the back burner, and really listen to her talk about her day, and try to say more than “oh really” or “uh-huh” to her in return. A little effort goes a long way!

Val and I just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. The other night we were talking about all the things we have gone through over the past 7 years – the things we have learned, the things we had no idea we would face, the things we should have put more effort into, etc – and we were laughing because the one thing that we had NO IDEA would have such an impact on how your marriage functions, how you act towards each other, and the overall level of fulfillment you feel in your marriage – is SEX! And here’s the good part, once you invest effort into getting your sexual relationship strong, it’s amazing at how easy it is to keep it up now! All of the sudden the husband is on top of the world, and feeling loved and wanted by his wife, and the wife happy as a clam, because for some reason her husband that never talks to her to say more than “what’s for dinner?” is talking and communicating like some kind of “chatty Kathy”  to his wife. It’s like it was meant to be this way?! 🙂

Sex: It really DOES MATTER more than you may think. 

I want to hear from you! What are some issues you have faced in keeping your sexual relationship strong? How have you “made time” for each other in this way? 

  1. So true! I think the biggest problem is the she won’t so I won’t game. So many couples get caught up in this. “I know I’m right, so she won’t get what she wants until I get what I deserve.” That’s toxic to a marriage. Just be the first to reach out, be generous, and do the right thing. Do that consistently, and the whole tone of your marriage will change.

    • Susy
    • May 19th, 2012

    Good to hear the from the husband’s side how important it is.

  2. For what it’s worth it gets better – a LOT better. When the kids are older it’s better, and when they are gone you can go wild. Keep your marriage and your sex life running now, and both will be fantastic in years to come.

    BTW – great post – keep ’em comin’!

    • Thanks Marriage Bed! And thanks for the compliment! I’m still learning this whole “blog writing thing”, but I’m having fun anyway! 🙂

    • Shana
    • May 20th, 2012

    Thanks for the advice! What would you say if the tables were turned? For instance, my husband is the one who rarely wants to have sex, and I want it all the time. He also refuses to “help” me out in anyway. We have sex 1 to 2 times a month, and we are both in our 20’s. We have a 2.5 year old as well. Thanks!

    • Luke (@sportslover1986)
    • May 21st, 2012

    Shana: I am in the exact same situation as you except the other way. I have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 yr old. He was a surprise to us about 2 months after we got married. One challenge for us was that my wife was incredibly sick during her first pregnancy. She was sick almost the entire 9 months and so sex was basically the last thing on her mind. We went from being newlyweds and just starting out sexually and then it disappeared. It was really tough for me. I was depressed, I was frustrated sexually and emotionally and I became angry. Looking back now I was selfish for acting that way and I should have done more to help my wife. I turned a cold heart to her and I was definitely in the wrong. Our situation has gotten some better. After our son was born it took a long while for her to connect with me sexually again. For 2 years it has been okay but now my wife is pregnant again. This pregnancy was planned and I am very excited for my daughter to arrive in September. The only problem is we are back to the problem we had with her first pregnancy. She has been very sick again and it makes it difficult to have sex with me. I am trying to stay positive and help out as much as I can. I keep telling myself that hopefully this will only be for a short time and I have to keep the future in mind. One encouraging thing is that now when my wife feels like having sex that because of the time in between the sex is great. Can’t complain about that.

    • I remember when my wife was pregnant with our first, and how hard it was to find a balance there. She didn’t feel good either for the first few months, and I remember being the “new husband” who was used to having the normal “active newlywed sex life”, and having that go to almost nothing at all. We would fight about it night after night. I felt like she didn’t love me anymore (stupid I know), and she didn’t understand why I didn’t realize that she didn’t feel good. Not a fun situation. Nobody tells you about that part of pregnancy. But we ended up working though it, and lucky for me, once she hit her second trimester, she couldn’t get enough. 🙂 That’s not always the case though. Thanks for commenting Luke!

      • Shana
      • May 23rd, 2012

      I know it’s tough. I used to get extremely frustrated and think there was something wrong with me, but he reassured me that there wasn’t. We used to argue all the time, because I kept bringing it up. It just made things worse. I’ve quit bringing it up as often, and we have been getting along a lot better. I just keep praying about it, and I know it will get better. It will just take time. I believe that God wouldn’t allow us to be in situations He knew we couldn’t handle. You just have to be strong and think positive. My husband and I get along in every other way. its just the intimacy and sex that we have been lacking. I don’t believe in divorce, so that’s definitely not an option. A tough situation seems all of a sudden easier to handle when the option of divorce is thrown out the window. There will be hard times, because no marriage is perfect. We still struggle, so I just think about all the aspirations and goals we have for the future, and that is encouraging and keeps me hopeful. Keep your spirits up, and love your wife through this time with all you’ve got. I never experienced sickness during my pregnancy, but I know it must be difficult. I’ll be praying for yall, and I hope things get better for yall. 🙂

    • Jenn
    • May 22nd, 2012

    Great post! My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have recently discovered how important it really is. The only thing we still struggle with is lack of time with a 2 year old and 4 year old. We do tend to schedule it on the calendar just so it doesn’t get “lost” in the shuffle – which takes away a bit on the romance. I can’t wait until the kids are a bit older and we can get our spontaneity back 🙂

    • I so agree! It makes it really hard with the kiddos always popping in at the most inconvenient times. As they say, this too shall pass I guess….lol…thanks for the comment!

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