Sex is to a marriage, what massage oil is to a good massage. It can be done without it, but let’s just say it’s a lot less fun. Not to mention harder. A lot harder. I heard one marriage counselor compare sex in marriage to putting oil in your car. If you don’t, it may run for a while, but sooner or later it’s going to negatively affect the engine, and eventually completely break down.
God created this “one flesh” union in marriage to be so much more than just a physical act to relieve an “urge”. I’m sure you’ve noticed if you haven’t had sex in a while, you start to “nit-pick” at stupid little things with your wife. Things that wouldn’t even be worth mentioning if your sexual relationship was where it should be. In fact, it’s funny how things that seem so “important” in your argument BEFORE sex, seem pretty idiotic AFTER.
Recently my wife and I were nearing the end of what had been a very long week. One of those weeks where you don’t see much of each other during the day (except for taking care of the kids together) until about 10:30pm when you both roll into bed totally exhausted. We were laying there in bed, talking about how we were both frustrated at the amount of time we had been able to spend together that week, and how we needed to have sex, but were both tired. She said she wasn’t really in the mood and would rather go to sleep, but if I needed it, she would be willing to for me. I said that while it had been a few days, I was tired too, and if she wasn’t really into it, we could wait until tomorrow. We went back and forth like this for a while, and after a while it had started to turn into bickering more than talking. At some point in this craziness, we stopped, looked at each other, and said “we just need to shut up and have sex”. Instead of deciding if it was the “best idea at the time”, or whose fault it was that we hadn’t had other time, or that it was too late, or that we felt like it, or whatever – we just did it! Was it the most amazing sex we’ve ever had? Nope. Did we feel a lot better and much more connected afterwards? Totally! All of a sudden the petty stuff we had just been bickering over, didn’t even matter. We could now just cuddle up and fall asleep, both feeling much better about our relationship.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you use sex as a “solve all” for your marriage problems. What I am saying is that sex is a powerful, God-given tool we need to use to keep our marriage connected, and thriving! Sometimes I think we get the idea that unless the setting is “perfect”, and we are both “100% raring to go”, it’s not worth it. This is so not true! It doesn’t have to be a mind-blowing event every time! Those times are great to look forward to, and a needed part in every marriage, but sometimes we just need to quit making excuses about why we shouldn’t do it tonight and just DO IT already – even if everything doesn’t quite go as you had hoped earlier in the day. Sex needs to be a REGULAR (2 or 3 times a week MINIMUM) part of your marriage! If it’s not (barring a physical issue like pregnancy, some type of dysfunction, etc), it is a sign that there is something wrong somewhere else in the relationship that is in turn, effecting your sexual relationship.
So stop waiting for the stars to align, the moon to be in the right phase, or the kids to actually go to bed on time. It’s not going to happen.
We have to learn that sex in marriage isn’t always what Hollywood or our secular culture tries to convince you it is. It’s not always going to blow the roof off your bedroom. It is however, going to do exactly what God created it to do – bring you closer together as a husband and wife, and put you both in a much better mood in the process.
mission:husband 
Great post G!
I found you while looking for reviews on 50 Shades of Grey (which yours was extremely helpful by the way). I decided to see what other thoughts or pearls of wisdom you might have. This blog hit the nail right on the head. My wife are a young couple (26 and 25), been married 6 years, with 2 small children (5 year old and 11 month old). Every week has been “busy weeks” for us since February when I started building our first home that wasn’t a rental. I have a full time job all week and work on the house evenings and weekends. Our intimate time has greatly suffered and when we do find time for it, at 11 pm, we are both too tired to do anything. Your blog really got me thinking and this is an area I really need to work on. I also read your blog on standing up for your marriage. It is also an area that I am working hard on. Thank you so much for you words and I wil be following you a lot in the near future. God bless you!
Thanks Jack!
It’s funny how young kids have a tendency to make sex such an elusive goal. We are so there with you right now. Glad you found my blog helpful. I’m no expert, but I learn well the hard way…lol. Thanks for the comment!
Well I’m not interested in the moon, stars or kids cause I don’t have any thanks to my husband. My husband and I have married 45 years but separated for 45 years. Thats because he lives in the basement and I have the upstairs. We had sex once and that was it whats next. Sex was on our wedding night my first, last and only. From then till today hes lived in the basement and has worked 40 plus years on the midnight shift. Never once have we been together, he doesn’t speak to me! I was young when first married and all we did was hold hands and kiss once in awhile. I didn’t realize what I was in for after we were married. Now I’m in my mid 60s and on the down hill swing. I’ve been depressed, disappointed and lasty confused. I have no idea what went wrong or when. I do have alot of friends who we go on vacation together(no men included) and a part time job that keeps me out of the house. Its the coming home that depresses me and I feel lonely. He just stays cooped up in the basement with no TV,computer, radio or phone working in his shop. I saw him about a month ago and he looks terrible, long scraggly, hair and beard, slumped over and walks like hes 100 years old. I really couldn’t believe that walked out of the basement to the back yard.
For healthy but struggling marriages, I have a (partially humorous) recommendation for wives: When in doubt, go down on your husband. That overwhelming generosity means so much to the husband. Yes, I know it sounds selfish and one-sided, but try it and see if it works for your marriage.