Sex; It’s NOT just about YOU.

As guys, we think sex is pretty awesome. In fact, we’d probably have a hard time thinking of something that we like doing more.

But how long has it been since we took  a hard look at what we’re doing to make sex just as enjoyable for our wives? Whether we’d like to admit it or not, we can get a little selfish in this area if we’re not careful. Part of being the husband God intended you to be, is MAKING SURE that you’re doing everything in your power to ensure your wife is reaching climax (if she desires one – more about that later), and that you are asking her what she likes, what feels good, what things she would like to try, what positions she likes best, etc. So often without even realizing it, us guys tend to do what feels good to us, without taking the time to even ask her what would make it better for her. If we want our wives to be as excited about making love as we are most of the time, I think it would be wise on our part to constantly be working on the following things –

The “Big O” – If you haven’t figured it out by now, women take a whole lot longer to “warm up” sexually, than us guys do. Think of it as a microwave vs. a crock pot. While men can be “ready to go” at the drop of a hat (or panties), and able to climax within a few minutes, most of our wives need some time to get there mentally, before the arousal process can even start. Now here’s the other thing guys –

there are times that our wives are totally happy with having intercourse without having an orgasm. This makes about as much sense to us guys as mowing the lawn without turning the lawn mower on, but it’s true.

Remember, sex is not all about the physical act to them. There is a lot of emotional connecting going on during sex for women too. That said, if she DOES desire to have an orgasm, we need to make sure that we are taking the time to slow down and help her get there. Since most of the time it’s hard for women to climax through penetration alone, this means we need to be ready to help her with our hands, or orally. Also – don’t get in such a hurry to start the “main event” that you make her feel pressured to “hurry up and make it happen already!” or make her think she’s “taking to long“. This will only make things worse. If you are having a hard time finding the right spot or speed, have your wife show you with her hand what feels good. Then try to simulate that. Communication is the key here. Don’t be too shy to ask her what she wants you to do. We’d like to think we are natural “masters” as satisfying our wives in bed, but most times there are things she wishes we would do, and if we’re too proud/shy to ask, we’ll never get any better. 

Vibrators/Toys – There are lots of different opinions out there on whether or not sex toys/aids are good/ok to use in the marriage bed. I’m not going to get into all that in this post. What I am going to do is give you what has worked for us, and then you can make the judgement for yourselves on what works/is appropriate for you.  What we’ve found with 3 small kids, and not always having a large amount of time to have “gourmet sex” every time, is while my wife may be interested/up for sex, the idea of spending enough time for her to become fully aroused, and able to climax manually, is somewhat daunting after a long day with the kids and 10pm approaching rapidly. So, after our first child was born, we decided to look for something to help her be able to “speed up the process” a little for those times when we wanted to enjoy each other sexually, but didn’t have time/energy for the “4 course meal” version of sex. We wanted something that could be used during penetration, but wanted to be careful because we found some medical articles with evidence that long-term use of a vibrator can damage the nerve endings of the clitoris and make it harder for a woman to orgasm without it. So, after quite a bit of research, we found something that doesn’t vibrate, but instead “oscillates” (moves rapidly in a “back and forth” motion) that we really like, and is nice to have when she desires to climax, but may not have a lot of time. Do we always use it when we make love? No. Is it nice to have something that helps her climax much faster when she desires it, but we don’t have a lot of time? Very. I feel that there are times our wives may say “no”  to sex on any given night, due to the pressure they feel from us (spoken or unspoken) to have an orgasm. If they are on the fence already about having sex (long day, tired, etc), the thought of having to spend 20 minutes to “get herself there” may just be the push she needs to say “not tonight”, because it seems like such a daunting task after a long day. This gives her an option where she can still climax and enjoy sexual time with her husband, but not be discouraged, and in turn distracted, because it’s “talking so long”. (Note: If you would like to know what we use,  drop me an email, and we’d be glad to share with you what we found that has helped us. Believe it or not, there are still some things even marriage bloggers don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public blog post 😉 )

Lube up! – Another thing that can make sex less enjoyable, or even downright painful for your wife is lack of lubrication. If we rush right through the foreplay, and within a couple of minutes, try to enter her, odds are, she’s not going to magically be wet and ready to go. Remember the crock pot analogy? She needs some time to warm up! Without using any kind of lube, a woman needs between 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay (of course all women are different, but in general) to become  naturally lubricated enough for intercourse. What’s the moral to the story here? Get a bottle of good lube and keep it handy! The best one we have found (hands down) is the “Pjur Eros Original Body Glide Lube”, found on or most other sexual aid sites. It doesn’t dry up, doesn’t make a huge mess, and lasts for a long time. We have been through a lot of different brands/formulas, but always come running back to this one. Oh, and still not convinced you need lube? Try having your wife manually stimulate you without using any – it’s funny how fast you will change your mind.

What has worked in the past, may not work now – If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will: You’re in bed, doing that thing that you know is always a “home run” in the “what I like in bed” category for your wife. At some point you look up however, to see a “less than thrilled”  or even a *gasp!* bored look on her face. You panic, wondering what in the world am I doing wrong? Relax! You’re not doing anything wrong. This is a really hard one for us guys to grasp sense for us it’s a “one movement fits all” thing, but for our wives it all can change due to pregnancy, time of the month, or sometimes I wonder – the color of the sky that day. (That was a joke) The thing to remember is DON’T get discouraged, or think you’ve lost your touch. Let her talk you through what now feels better, and don’t take it personally. Too often we take any form of rejection in bed (no matter how small), as an attack on us. It’s not.

Be a “student” of your Wife – I mentioned a little bit of this above, but what I’m trying to get at is always be looking for ways you can improve at pleasing her in the bedroom. Don’t settle for “good enough” and stop there. Doesn’t matter if you’re a new husband and don’t have a clue, or a husband that’s been married 40 years, there’s always room to get better! Don’t become complacent!

Don’t be afraid to laugh together! – As guys, we look at things in life as “tasks”. We need to get something done, so we form a plan on the best way to accomplish it, what we need to buy, what tools we need, etc. We know that if we have the “right tools” for the job, and a good plan, we will succeed. We “can’t fail” if we plan carefully (or so we try to convince ourselves). Here in lies the problem: If we try to transfer that attitude to the bedroom, we end up becoming frustrated if we’re doing something during lovemaking, and it’s not working like it was “supposed to”. This leads to an uneasy tension, and that is NOT good in what was supposed to be a time of connection between husband and wife. At this point we’ve lost the whole point. If something doesn’t work, LAUGH a little! This is supposed to be fun remember? We get so lost in “it has to happen this way”, that we lose sight of what we’re really supposed to be accomplishing overall. Sex is one of the greatest gifts God has given a married couple. Let’s make sure we are being patient, and helping our brides get the pleasure that God created her to get out of it. So get out there and get to work husbands! This is not exactly the worst job you’ve ever been given. 😉

60 thoughts on “Sex; It’s NOT just about YOU.

  1. share the name of your “toy” of choice? I know I personally have been trying to find and trying out a few things … but nothing ever seems to be the “right” one for me and hubby … I do know he doesn’t like the dildo type thing … since they tend to be HUGE … I think guys think that we females are comparing them to the toy?

  2. I’ve never been a toy fan myself, but I understand that such marital aids have helped many couples. I love the points about studying and communicating with your wife. It seems that men are often reluctant to admit they don’t have full command of what they’re doing, but this isn’t like running an engine or fixing a plumbing problem. What feels good is a somewhat objective and somewhat subjective, so you have to figure out what feels good to your own wife. Great stuff!

  3. Loved your article-I have been married to my beautiful wife now for 38 years and we still enjoy our sex together-the key is to set aside date nights and make it a priority-we have a few toys but really interested to know your “toy” of choice-please email me


  4. My husband and I had had some problems in the beginning of our marriage. We were both in school, money was tight, and any time we spent together was always accompanied by computers and books. We are MUCH better now, Praise God! However, when it comes to sex, he finishes earlier than I’d like. Now he looks out for my needs in “other” ways, but I’d really like us to get there together some times. Could you share your toy with me please. Sometimes vibrators tend to be too much, I’d like to try something milder.

  5. Good article. Can I just say, though, that I’m getting alarmed by the fact that I’m increasingly reading on blogs (usually written by men) that there are times when women “are totally happy with having intercourse without having an orgasm”. Er, no, no, NO we’re not! I don’t know ANYONE who would be happy about this on anything but the rarest occasions when they’re “helping their husband out” when they really aren’t in the mood, or are unable to have sex themselves for some reason (eg during menstruation), or their husband makes it obvious his wife’s pleasure is a chore for him. However, sex without an orgasm is like showing a starving person a delicious meal, letting them smell it until their mouth is watering, and then not letting them eat it! It’s nothing short of cruel. On the rare occasions when it has happened to me, it’s enough to leave me frustrated, aching, angry and in a bad mood for a couple of days – my husband has learned it’s not a smart move! If it happened regularly, I’d soon start avoiding sex. All my female friends feel similarly (and believe me, we do talk about these things) and many of their sex lives have died for that very reason. So, please, please, please stop planting the idea in men’s heads that women aren’t that fussed about orgasm – the underlying message being that if they can’t be bothered to put the time/effort in, it doesn’t really matter. (Actually, this is an idea perpetuated by porn – and evidence shows that young men of the ‘porn generation’ are less concerned about their partner’s pleasure than the generation of men before them, because they’ve been conditioned to thing that sex is only about male pleasure – but that’s another story). No, most women DO want to orgasm, every time if possible. PLEASE stop telling men otherwise! Otherwise, you’ll have an army of frustrated and angry women on your hands. Then you can sit back and watch the marriages fall apart on the grounds of men being selfish lovers, and therefore selfish husbands in general – and who wants one of those?

    1. Kitty,

      Sorry, I was just going by what my wife has always told me. And she’s not the only one, I’ve had several women tell me they still feel more connected and closer to their husbands after sex, even without an orgasm. What I was trying to put forward, is that the wife may not always be able to mentally wrap their heads around the thought of pursuing an orgasm EVERY time their husband wants to have sex, and not to force your wife to try and have one, just for HIS benefit. I guess I didn’t come across very clearly.

      Thanks for the comment!

      1. I have found that what Gerad says is true, for my wife at least. 95% of the time, she wants to have an orgasm, but once in a while, she tells me that she doesn’t want one when we are having sex. She enjoys the sex, and I am more than willing to do what it takes to help her come, but she chooses not to pursue as orgasm for herself. When this happens, it is probably because she feels that it would be too much work for her to come. And by work I mean getting herself mentally into a place where she can just focus on the pleasure of sex.

        I used to take this personally. It seemed like a bad reflection on my skills as a lover when “I couldn’t bring my wife to orgasm”. (But in reality, it probably had little to do with what I was doing and more to do with where she was at.) I would try hard to make her come, but it was for the sake of my own pride more than because I was worried about her. I had to learn that sometimes she was really OK with not coming and did not even want to. Eventually, I learned to be OK with that too.

      2. I look forward to the attacks about my comment, but here goes.
        It’s mostly that we do sex with you all because you are so pitiful and horny without it. Men are sometimes rather selfish when it comes to their needs in and out of the bedroom, but women still have needs in and out of the bedroom that we can’t seem to get you all to see.
        If a man wants a happy and fulfilling sex life with his mate, it would in his best interests, to tell her that he will not get his little ego and feelings hurt if she tells him what has to be done for her to orgasm. He then can’t get all tired and mad and act as if he doesn’t have time for his mate’s pleasure.
        This is one of the main reasons why women fake orgasms and try to get out of having sex. It’s not worth our while. Sex is not the big explosion as it is for men. Get over yourselves men. This is a fact of life. Women have other greater needs and desires in life and it is not sex. We just do it because men make such a big deal out of it. Men have got to drop the pride thing. It’s not about you because we cannot always orgasm.

        Ms. Bear Clawz

      3. I agree wholeheartedly with Kitty! Please quit telling men that women don’t always want to orgasm, that cuddling is sufficient. I didn’t orgasm for the first twenty years of our marriage (yes, 20!), not all my fault. We were both naive but in addition, my husband (still) finds talking about sex difficult, and for those 20 years was always too quick for me, was unwilling to talk and find out what I needed, unteachable by me or anyone else and yet blamed me for not wanting sex. Once I finally achieved orgasm (sad to say, during a time when I was masturbating due to lack of any relationship with him to speak of), I certainly do not want to go back to the days of just him being fulfilled. If it feels good to the guys, why would you not believe the same about us? Is there ever a time when you want to be aroused and then, by choice, not want an orgasm? I doubt it. If a wife is saying no to orgasm it’s probably because, at one time or another, her husband has made her feel ‘she takes too long,’ either by direct comment or inference, making her feel she isn’t worth his time and effort. This has happened and sometimes, just to get it over with so I don’t endure feeling used, I will say go ahead without me. I just don’t get why turning your wife on, both in and out of the bedroom is a “chore.” I also agree with Kitty that to continue to consistently not bring a wife to orgasm will leave her frustrated, angry and most likely resentful and avoiding sex. Your title is apt: Guys, it’s NOT just about you! It seems that too often sex becomes the focus for men, not the whole relationship and that’s when women feel used and don’t want sex. We want to be noticed and valued as a whole person, not just the object of your sexual desire.

      4. Kiki – I never said that women ALWAYS don’t want an orgasm. I simply said that “there are times when” she doesn’t want one. In otherwords, “Men, quit putting pressure on your wife to ALWAYS have an orgasm. There are times when she doesn’t want one, but would be ok with having sex for your sake if we would just take it at that”. If the wife DESIRES an orgasm, then the husband should sure as heck do all he can to get her there. Hope that clears it up a bit…

      5. Kitty, obviously you don’t speak for all women. There are actually many women out there who CAN’T orgasm, this doesn’t mean sex doesn’t feel good. There are times of the month where I just can’t, it doesn’t matter how much foreplay is involved but sex still feels good. So please don’t tell men that every woman wants it every time because honestly, if my husband kept trying to push on to a point that would never happen, then I would get irritated. It’s all about communication between couples to know what each individual wants and needs.

    2. I’m a woman, and I completely agree with the author about this. He didn’t say we never want to have an orgasm or that we don’t prefer to have it if we feel it’s might happen; just that it isn’t always necessary to feel satisfied with the experience.

      It’s sort of like seeing the glass as 75% full vs. completely empty. I think he’s just saying it still can be a mostly full w/o orgasm, and I would completely agree.

      There can still be an incredible sense of connection, and it can still be incredibly pleasant; so, I’d rather they not associate failure or unpleasant feelings with the experience.

      So, there are definitely women who agree with the writer! I would prefer men know that. This doesn’t mean he tries to please me any less; he still tries for that every time and it still happens 90+% of the time. But when it doesn’t happen–and sometimes you just never know why–neither of us see it as a failure, which is good because it isn’t creating potentially negative feelings about a healthy relationship just because (to use his joke/analogy), the sky just another color that day. A significant part of female orgasm is in our heads; it’s certainly not something men have 100% control over. So, it’s unfair and unrealistic to not acknowledge and accept that sometimes we just don’t know why it didn’t happen.

      And as for the “porn generation,” I’m not sure how much we can attribute this to a “generation,” per se. I would be shocked if there is a statistically or practically significant generational/age effect with regard to men’s desire to please their spouses; that is, at least one that is not mediated by interactions with so many other variables that it becomes practically insignificant. I think it has more to do with personality, how they view sex, differences in women’s tendency to have a voice about matters, etc. A selfish man may use that as an excuse. But a man who isn’t selfish and genuinely loves his wife would not be selfish in this sense just because he sees it in a movie.

    3. Thank you Kitty! I was thinking the same thing myself. And I am also getting very angry about all these posts written by men and claiming that orgasm isn’t as important to women as it is to men. Any man who actually believes this has no idea what he’s talking about. You did a wonderful job explaining why this is wrong but I wanted to add my own thoughts too. If a woman stroked her partners penis with her hand or vagina or whatever until he was good and sexually excited then stopped before he climaxed what would happen? Would the man just say, “Oh don’t worry honey. I don’t need to orgasm as much as you do. I’ll just roll over and sleep as soon my erection goes down. And don’t worry I’ll just ignore my painful blue balls.” We all know that wouldn’t happen. There’d be a huge fight until he got his way and got off. That’s exactly what men who follow this line of thinking do to women they have sex with. And they actually expect women to be ok with it! It boggles the mind. Men who think this way should not be allowed to have sex until they change their ways.

      My husband actually cares that I have an orgasm every time we have sex. And yes once at the beginning of our relationship he masturbated to orgasm and left me hanging. Did I meekly accept it as my womanly lot? Ha, ha, ha! NO. I started a huge fight and let him know how painful it is physically to be left sexually frustrated while your partner selfishly gets themselves off. Never happened again. Funny thing is that orgasm is extremely easy for me and doesn’t take long. I don’t even need to be pre-heated. I was born that way.

      Whether your partner orgasms easily or not is absolutely irrelevant. Men have the same duty to their partners as women do. Both need to be achieving orgasm every time.

    4. I’m a woman, married for 20 years to a wonderful man. I’d always love to have an orgasm. We have sex at least daily.

      Honestly, I can tell that he often doesn’t have the time, energy, interest, or stamina to give me the time that I need. Only once or twice a week.

      I tell him it’s okay because telling him otherwise doesn’t help.

  6. Great article. Thankfully my husband is very attentive to my needs but sometimes I do worry that “I’m taking too long.” We just recently began using toys. I’d like to know what you’ve found because I’ve read the negative effects of vibes too and don’t want to make things worse. ;0)

  7. Hi Kitty, I am so glad to read a comment from a woman who is smart and intelligent and strong enough to know her own mind and body and who speaks up and stands up for the truth. Many women are gullible and weak minded and buy into the whole tale about women and orgasms.

    I spoke up about this on another site where men discussing and degrading women for not being excited about sex. So, I tried to explain how women’s bodies work and how different our libidos are from theirs. Then, almost all the men scolded me and said that I was anti- male and that my man was unhappy with me and my old fashioned out dated ideas. One or two of the women wrote comments in favor of what I said and they jumped on them also. Anyway……right on Kitty and I agree with you 110% .


    1. Wow, calm down ladies! I didn’t mean to start a woman’s liberation parade with huge banners that read “Orgasms for all!” flying around. Easy girls! Let’s re-examine what I said. I said that there are times that women (especially ones with several small children running around) don’t want the added “pressure” of having to orgasm put on them every time their husbands wants to be intimate. I didn’t say that you shouldn’t need one, I didn’t say that your husband shouldn’t do all he can to give you one if you so desire, I simply said that there are SEVERAL WOMEN that have told me that when they don’t desire one, they get a great deal out of just intercourse with their husbands.

      So put down the picket signs, it’s all good! I in no way tried to say that “women shouldn’t desire an orgasm”. If you want one, by all means, go for it! Just don’t try and tell me that ALL WOMEN want one EVERY TIME, because I can send you several emails from wives that say otherwise.

      Thanks for the comment!

      1. @Missionhusband,
        We want orgasms, but we know that it is not so easy for us. It’s just a big hassle sometimes to spend so much energy giving our husbands what they need and then we get zero. Put yourselves in our positions, if it’s not too much.

        And stop getting upset, when women speak up. That’s some of the problem with men-women relationships. Men don’t want us to be expressive, just docile. Well, it’s not fair Missionhusbnd. I don’t believe you would speak to the fellas like that, would you??

      2. Like I said before Jean, put down the picket signs! I’m on your side here! Might be why I wrote a post to men called “Sex, its not all about you”. Doesn’t really sound like a post title from an “anti orgasm for women guy.” Go figure. Thanks for the comment!

  8. Weve been married 45 years and we only had sex intimacy once, that was my first, last and only time. Back then toys were not readly available. So I didn’t have toys, After my husband had sex once he moved to the basemenet and I was told not to ever bother him, and most of all don’t talk to him. I should have walked out on him but I didn’t. And divorce was kinda looked down upon. Things back then were different, I never pleasured myself I guess I felt it was dirty. Things are different in 2012 but its way to late for an old lady to have some fun.

    1. Amy, I believe I have seen your comments on both this and other blogs…if I’m wrong please forgive me. I am sorry for your situation. I sense your pain, maybe even resentment and regret for all those wasted years. I am wading through that as well (married over 35 years). Maybe you should have left; you have been technically abandoned. I didn’t leave because of my own fears and low self-esteem. My case hasn’t been as severe as yours by any means but still hard. I have often wanted to give up but for some reason I haven’t and, after all this time I have hope that things are finally changing, at least a little. I will pray for peace for you and wisdom for your circumstance and for your husband to wake up and love you. And, I believe there’s always room for God to work a miracle.

  9. “Medical articles” that say vibrator use can cause nerve damage? I highly doubt they were true studies. The overwhelming evidence is that they are totally harmless, especially the ones that are marketed as sex toys. A quick google should allay any fears on that topic.

    Also, while anecdotal, my wife and I have used one consistently as part of foreplay for years and I haven’t seen any affect on her ability to orgasm via other methods.

    Nice article otherwise. You and your wife have a gift for writing. Thanks for sharing it!

  10. I would really like to thank you for taking the time to write this article. It is quite obvious that your purpose was to guide husbands to see that sexual intimacy is a very important aspect of a marital relationship, and therefore involves both partner’s pleasure. I also really enjoyed your guest blog post on mission:wife! I agree with the general statement that you included in you post, that not all woman want an orgasm every time. My husband is ALWAYS committed to meeting my needs, and in fact regularly takes the time to focus his attention on my singular pleasure, rather than pursuing his own. With that said, there are times that I am can tell that it is just not happening tonight. This does not mean I do not enjoy sex with my husband. Sex, without an orgasm, is still enjoyable to me. I think this is what you were trying to convey. I may want an orgasm, but do not NEED one to feel satisfied/connected/loved by my husband. And when there are times that I cannot get in the right place to have an orgasm, or want to spend the time to do so, then just the act of sex can and does reconnect me with my husband and allow me to feel emotionally satisfied! It took me a long time to explain this to my husband, and I for one was glad to see you trying to explain it to all the husbands out there. I am sure they appreciate the idea that they aren’t the only ones with wives who don’t have to orgasm everytime! 🙂

  11. i am a woman, mother and full time working employee. Yes, this is right. 95% of the time I am up for an orgasm. There are times I just need a hug, cuddle, spoon up and go to sleep night. Sex is great, but we women have sometimes a hard time to relax and just have at it when life comes at us. Then I just need to feel like my hero is here to save the day and I’ll thank him for it, but rather have the physical closeness that work hard to orgasm. It’s great. Feels awesome, but not always the release I need. God made us different, man and woman. Celebrate the uniqueness He made us to be.

  12. What’s your toy? If you could email me that would be great! I’m a wife actually and I had a couple other questions if you didn’t mind answering! I love your blog! Sometimes it’s great to hear the mans perspective!

  13. Thanks for the great article. I can relate to many if your points. In particular the message about the use of toys. My wife and I have found them to be very beneficial for many of the reasons you mentioned. She is very particular about the type of vibration that the toy produces and I like your description “oscillates” as that is much more in line with her desires. We have a drawer of what amounts to useless toys that have been put aside simply because they don’t have the right feel to her.
    So with that in mind I have to ask what you have found to be your choice. My wife’s favorite so far is a small Lelo unit.
    Thanks in advance.

  14. I just wanted to say I totally understand what you were saying about a wife not caring so much about having an orgasm 100% of the time. There are times I am not so into it but know my husband is and I would never turn him down so I just try to make it all about him during those times. It turns me on to turn him on, so even if I don’t feel like trying to orgasm myself, I feel happy when I can make him. I feel closer to him after we have sex so even if I am not into it or not in the mood, I never say no because I think it’s good to take every opportunity you can to feel close to each other in marriage.

  15. Hi! I sent an email a few months back asking about what toy you guys prefer but never got a response. I’ll try to ask here and leave an “encrypted” email – – just remove the X’s so it’s timhen. Thanks!

  16. I would be interested to know what toy you found works well for you and your wife, we have used toys a little in the past and kind of got away from them. We were talking about trying them out again but my wife gets a little over stimulated with intense vibration. This may be just what we need thanks.

  17. I’d like to know you choice of “toy” please. Thank you for taking the time to write this article. I’ve shared your article posted on your wife’s blog with numerous friends about the “10 Things Your Husband…”. Encouraging and challenging!

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