Sex; Be Clear About What You’re Asking For

Ever notice that most issues that arise in marriage, come back to a lack of good communication? This is especially true with the subject of sex.

Here’s the scenario: You come home from work after a long day, and ask your wife if she feels like having sex later. She says “sure”, and you mentally do a “YES!” along with a fist pump. You get done with dinner, finally get the kids to bed, the house clean, and the dishes done. You start to make your move. You give her a kiss, and the response from your wife is what you would call “less than enthused”. You try again, and same thing. Frustrated that she’s not responding to you like you thought she would (after all, you DID ask her, and SHE SAID SURE!), you ask her if there is something wrong. She replies that she’s “not as excited about it as you” and that it’s been a long day with the kids.

What’s the problem here? The problem is that both of you were expecting different things. YOU were expecting her to be ready to go,  jump all over you, and passionately rip your clothes off and make love to you, while SHE was thinking you were asking if she would be willing have sex with you, even she didn’t need or desire it, or even need or want an orgasm from it tonight. Translation: This is a problem. 

Funny how we guys take one word  – “SURE” – and turned it into her saying that she was horny, needed you badly, and wanted to do all the things you had been thinking about at work that day. Did you tell her exactly what you were thinking/wanting? No, all you did was ask “do you want to have sex later”. That leaves WAY too much room for both of you to be thinking TOTALLY different things. We husbands (and wives too, but this post is for guys) need to make sure we’re not “assuming” what our wives are saying “yes” to when we ask for sex. Like I talked about in “Ten Things Your Husband Wants You to Know About Sex, But Doesn’t Know How To Tell You”, most guys have a few different “types” of sex that they may be in the mood for at different  times. There’s what I call the “rip your clothes off and go at it” sex, there’s “I want to take our time and really enjoy it with candles, music, etc” sex, and there’s “I just need a quickie if it’s ok, to reconnect with you” sex. If we don’t tell our wives what type we’re thinking of the night we ask, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, and possibly worse – causing our wives to say “no” more when we ask,  because in her mind last time she said “yes” we weren’t happy with what she was willing to give  – all due to lack of communication.

When you approach your wife about sex, make sure she is aware of what you have in mind. Instead of “hey hon, are you up for sex later?”, you might try “hey hon, I’ve been thinking about us doing (fill in the blank) all day today. Are you feeling up to that later?” It’s much easier to let you know what you’re thinking when you ask, then to let her assume you mean on thing, and let her find you’re not on the same page when you’re attempting some other thing. Unless you’re prepared for an awkward conversation in the middle of what was supposed to be a time of fun and connecting. Yeah, that sounds like a blast. Here’s the other benefit to this whole “let her know what you’re thinking” thing – It allows your wife to have some room to say “I’m not really up for “crazy” tonight, but I’d be willing to do (fill in the blank).” It helps her respond to the situation better, and makes it easier for her to avoid saying “no” to sex for no reason other than she doesn’t know what you’re expecting.

  1. Great post Gerad!

    Communication is so important. It seems so difficult at first to communicate clearly about sex, but the results are so worth it!

    My wife and I were poor sex communicators for the first ten years and it nearly ruined our marriage. Now, after four years of intentional, clear communication, we are finding the communication to be natural, easy and often only a glance or touch that communicates just as clearly as required many words when we started.

    My point? It will be hard at first, awkward, and maybe even embarassing. It won\’t always be. Practice may not make perfect, but it does make easier and more natural.

    • Just another husband
    • August 16th, 2012

    You are right, communication is the key to any facet of any marriage!

    But for me, hearing “sure” translates into “Im not really into it, but if you insist.” But then again, my wife is not into sex in general. I feel so un-desirable to my wife, that I assume the negative. I am sure we need to work on our sexual communication, but I don’t know how. And to be honest, the fact that she is not really into it makes me not want to even try.

    • Thanks for the comment!

      It’s hard when your wife doesn’t seem to want sex at all. They don’t realize how much it means to us to be desired by our wives. But that’s where communication comes in! See if you can find a time to sit down with her and share your heart. I know I have done that, and most times our poor wives don’t even realize how much it is bothering us.

      Thanks again for reading…

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