“I’d want to have more sex with my husband if he was better at it”
After writing the guest post on my Wife’s blog “What every husband wishes his wife knew about sex, but doesn’t quite know how to tell her”, it’s been more than interesting how many responses we’ve gotten from wives along the lines of “Why don’t you write a list of what women want”, or “if my husband were better in bed, we’d have a lot more sex”, or even “I don’t enjoy sex because my husband doesn’t seem to care about my needs”. I also got a lot of comments from husbands like “how do I get my wife to read this?” and “how did you get inside my mind to write this? I just wish my wife knew this stuff!”. There were so many comments/emails this way, that I decided it was worth writing a follow-up of sorts – to address some of what is obviously a large issue in a lot of marriages.
There are two things that strike me the most as I read the steady stream of emails and comments we’ve been getting. I’ll address the husbands in this post, and my wife is going to address the wives in a future post on Mission:Wife.
1. Sometimes Husbands become lazy in making sure their wives are satisfied in the bedroom. –
Yeah, I went there. I don’t know how many wives have told me that they wish they could tell their husbands they aren’t being satisfied in bed, but they don’t because they don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’ve even had a few say they would love to have sex more, but don’t, simply because afterwords they are left frustrated, and unfulfilled. Really guys?! Maybe our “game” in bed, isn’t as strong as we seem to convince ourselves it is (collective gasp). You say “But I never know what she wants, and she’s so confusing to read in bed sometimes!“. Yes, women can be hard to read, and different things work at different times for them in bed, but what’s your point?! Are we just supposed to throw up our hands and go “well, I guess it’s not even worth it, I don’t get her”? I don’t think so.
If you have a problem that needs solved/worked on at your job, and it gets hard, do you just throw in the towel? Do you tell your boss “sorry man, I tried it one way, and it didn’t work, so I guess I can’t do it.”? No! You problem solve! You try it another way, you consult with the client, you study the problem, you FIND A WAY to make it happen. Why don’t we apply this formula to our sex lives? Are we scared to admit we don’t have all the answers? Are we scared to ask? Are we so concerned about our pleasure during sex, that we forget it’s a two-way street? Whatever the reason, we need to get over it, and start learning what our wives need from us to get as much as we do from our sex life.
Here are a couple places to start:
Learn the female anatomy! – Good grief, some husbands wouldn’t know what a “g-spot” was if it bit them in the hand, let alone the “a-spot”, or the “u-spot” (now you have some homework). If you think the clitoris is the only way she can achieve orgasm, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do. If you want your wife to know what feels good on you, how about doing her a favor and learn where her hot spots are, and how to stimulate them? Instead of fumbling around down there, hoping you hit something that feels good, show her you care enough about her pleasure, to get an understanding of how God designed her, and how he created her to feel amazing pleasure during the act he created for the husband and wife to enjoy!
Put HER first – Ok, in case you haven’t noticed, most “normal” guys are what I call “one shot wonders” when it comes to orgasm. Once we have one, we’re done for a while (at least 15-20 minutes), and everything in our bodies is screaming “Hey! Yeah You! It’s time to lay down and relax for a while! You’re part’s over!”. Our wives are not like this at all. Most women can have several orgasms in one lovemaking session, and don’t feel fully satisfied until they do. Here’s the trick though, don’t let yourself climax, until she has had a few herself – otherwise you end up loosing your motivation to help her. As soon as you climax, about 97.8% (or more…lol) of your drive to help her goes out the window. That’s why it’s so important to make sure she’s satisfied FIRST (or she might want to save one so you can have one together), BEFORE you finish. You’ll be amazed at how much more “enthusiastic” you are about helping her be satisfied, if YOU wait on getting yours until later.
2. There is a total lack of communication in most marriages about sex.
I cannot stress how IMPORTANT it is to COMMUNICATE with each other about all aspects of your sex life. It’s so important, I did an entire post on this called “Sex; be clear about what you’re asking for“. Why is it so hard to talk openly about our sex life as married couples? You would think it would be pretty easy, since it’s not like we don’t see each other naked all the time, but for some reason couples become like grade-schoolers again, and have a hard time saying the words “penis” and “vagina” without blushing. We HAVE to get over what is sometimes a little awkward to talk about, and really sit down and DISCUSS each person likes, loves, or dislikes. How are we supposed to know what drives our wives crazy (in a good way), if we’re not willing to ask? Even if you have to start simple with: “Hey hon, would you rather I start with (insert action here), or (alternate action)?” it’s better than nothing! Also – you’ll notice when you first start communicating about sex, you may be surprized at what you were doing that you thought she LOVED, that turned out to be about a 3 on her 1 to 10 sex scale. Yeah, maybe you’re not as good at “just knowing”what she likes as you thought you were.
“You will never have the amazing, fulfilling, and sometimes mind-blowing sex life with your mate that you desire unless you learn how to communicate effectively about it.”
I want to end this post with this reminder:
“You only get out of something, what you’re willing to put into it.”
If you’re unhappy with your current sex life, don’t wait for the planets to align, or a book on improving your sex life to drop out of the tree in your front yard. Set a date to pull your spouse aside one night, turn all the distractions off (tv, phone, computer), and caringly and lovingly talk to each other about where you’re sex life is now, and where you would like to see it grow in the future. Don’t be accusatory. Don’t put the blame on the other person. Make a commitment TOGETHER to put all the things that BOTH of you have done to hurt each other in this area behind you, and begin building the sexual relationship together that God designed you to have and fully enjoy. Maybe tonight would be a good night to start?! ;)