A little over two weeks ago Mission:Husband and Mission:Wife ran a set of “sexual satisfaction surveys” – one for Husbands, and one for the Wives. We had almost 800 responses combined, and the results show a lot of what we already know: sex is a LARGE issue in most marriages.
But here’s the deal – It’s easy to take surveys like this, look at the results, and then make some comment like “Wow, did you see these results honey? I can’t believe some guys are really like that to their wives!” or “Can you believe 80% of marriages think their sex lives could use some work!?” without even stopping to think about how you could improve in your own relationship.
Instead, as we read through these comments and results, we need to have the attitude of “Lord, show me what I need to change in my own heart, to be a better husband sexually to my wife. Not just sit here make myself feel better about my marriage, because it’s ‘not as bad as this couple’s’.” It’s funny how we can use things like this to go, “see hon, we’re not as bad as those guys”, when really your wife is going “he doesn’t get it, does he? Does he now realize we have some of the same issues?”.
That being said, instead of overwhelming you with the all the results at one time, we are going to be splitting it up into several posts. The way I want to attack it, is by taking the results from the ladies survey, and really dig into them, and use them to understand where we’re falling short as Husbands, and what our wives are trying to tell us – if we would TRY to listen and understand.
The first part (and maybe the most sobering) of the survey that I want to share, is when we asked the question: “If you could get across one thing to your husband about sex, and know that you could say it in a way that she would totally understand it, what would it be?”. Some of the answers were pretty positive, but others were filled with pain and hurt. I want to share these with you in their raw form. Nothing has been edited or changed in any way. Now I’m warning you, some of these are going to be hard to read, and may hit a little close to home. Also, there are a LOT of them, but I feel it’s important to grasp any insight we can on how we need to bring up our game as husbands, and be more in tune with what they are truly feeling in this area.
Here are the responses from our wives:
have more confidence
romance me, please!
spend more time together
I enjoy it better as I get older.
This: I STILL am attacked with fear and hurt over your past, wondering if I’m “as good as”, and feeling like intimacy has been stolen from us along with “firsts”.
Or this: I feel so ugly and unattractive, and I hear so many messages to that effect. You are my only weapon against that, and when you “want me” and enjoy me I feel beautiful; and a lot of times, I don’t initiate because I feel so ugly.
I desire you, and time with you, more than we can act on it.
That God designed it to be so much more than what he learned in the locker room, in porn, in the movies and from the guys at work. Let go of all that influence and seek God instead and our sex life will be the hottest ever!
I would like for him to make sex more of a priority than where it is now.
Foreplay is important, but change it up sometimes. The same thing every time gets old and frankly it quits working!!
The little things you do during the day make all the difference in the world. Knowing you have put thought into things that would turn me on, is very exciting!
I really need him to be willing to talk about it
I need advanced notice. Get me thinking about it. I will be excited for it if i know its coming but if you just spring it on me when im not ready for it, good luck getting me anywhere near the big “O”. Also, helping with daily chores is a huge turn on!
I wish we would have it more often…and I wish that when we did have it, it would more often be “romantic” and not just quick and to the point.
That the way to my body is through my mind.
I feel uncomfortable with it because I feel like he is not attracted enough to me.
I would like to feel a little more romanced sometimes and feel like my body is a wonderland to him sometimes (except for the times when it calls for a “quicky”. It is necessary to have “quickies” sometimes ;))
more foreplay would be great
More foreplay!!! More is more!!
Foreplay begins before the bedroom
I’d like more foreplay and romance sometimes
I need to trust him with my emotions to have a better sex life
Hold me more outside of the. Bedroom!
I want him to engage me a little more, to feel like he stops to pay attention to me and is interested in knowing me more.
my desire for sex is low but I still love him very much.
What I like changes each day depending on my body and emotions.
Just because I don’t feel like having sex doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or want you.
I have more than 3 spots that I like touched
If I feel like you are in a hurry, it makes it take longer for me to get excited. Very gentle touch is more exciting to the sensitive areas.
Sex is not the only valuable time together as a couple.
If we do non-sexual things together that fulfill my love language I would be more willing/desirous to have sex.
I wish he would understand how difficult it is for me to switch from “mommy mode” to “wife mode” — I find it VERY hard to concentrate on sex when the baby wakes up and starts “calling” (read: crying) from her bedroom.
I know you asked for one thing, but here’s a bonus thing. 🙂 I wish my husband would pay better attention to privacy. I keep the windows open as much as possible whenever the weather allows, and sometimes when he gets the bedroom “ready for sex,” he closes the curtains but doesn’t shut the windows! I hate that. We live in a highly populated area. And then when I notice that they aren’t shut, he just wants to keep going. I really don’t like that! I guess this isn’t something I really need to explain… he knows I don’t like it, and I know he just forgets, so it’s not a huge deal. I just need to double-check that the windows are closed, lol. 🙂
I wish he would understand how much his indifference to my advances hurts, I feel like I do almost all the “work” on our sex life, and he just enjoys it.
Men are microwaves, women are crockpots in bed…also men can flick a switch and get turned on, women may need all day of her love language being met to want to have sex.
Foreplay would help me enjoy sex with you more…let me know you love me after sex, not just “thank you”.
He is cold and indifferent
I don’t feel fulfilled, I haven’t had an orgasm in months except through masturbation. I feel unimportant and undesired.
start love-making before we het to the bedroom
I wish he wouldn’t be as hung up on oral sex as he is.
Sometimes I get so caught up in all the things that need done that I forget that I like, enjoy and need sex, and him. I wish that he was braver about pulling me away from all the cares of the world and reminding me that he needs and wants my attention. Between distractions of work, caring for the home, and my hormones being a wreck, my desire is lower than it should be and so I just need to be reminded that he would rather have a warm bed than a clean house.
I do love you and I want to please you sexually, but I also want you to take your time to please me too.
Be patient with me.
Sometimes I need reassurance that I am the only one.
Take time to warm me up. Don’t just grab and think I want to have sex.
*It is not personal if I don’t want it. It could be the kids, the ex, work, money.
*I always want it once we start fooling around, even if you don’t think I’m into it. If I am in your bed (and we are married so I am)…I am into it.
*I don’t initiate because I feel weird and I REALLY like it when you initiate. It is NOT because I don’t want you.
*I’d love you to talk to me during sex (quietly, dirty, sexually), and you can whisper in my ear when you walk by all day long which might make me initiate! Your voice is amazing.
*Get me ready all day, stop what you are doing and kiss me, come hug me, make me stop and hug and kiss you.
sometimes it just takes more mental energy than I have right now
It bring deep deep pain when you reject me
please initiate more
It’s hard for me to be in the mood when you’re pissy and irritable, then turn around and clamp your hand on top of me as a way of initiating sex.
Help with the dishes and keep things simmering through the day with kisses helpful acts and occasional flowers. Watching TV while I clean up is a turn off!
Please want me!
Our relationship outside the bedroom has to be good in order for our sex life to be good
I’d tell him that I greatly desire him but it takes me a lot longer than it takes him to be ready for sex.
I want to”know” his every desire and try to fulfil him completely, if only he would open up to me.
When you pursue me, I want it more. I don’t want it to become monotonous.
That I can’t just turn it on at the drop of a hat, at the end of a long day.
I would like to make love more often.
Need more physical touch
I often feel hurt that he does not implement proven stress reduction techniques that would, hopefully, increase his sex drive.
we need variety
I think I could live without actual orgasm sex if we did those loving things
Sometimes I am just too tired. We have a special needs child and life is even more busy for me than for most stay-at-home moms. I would like him to really understand the few times I tell him “Not tonight, please” I am not rejecting HIM. He is good about being understanding, but I think it’s still hard for him to fully grasp that it’s not a personal rejection. That’s really my only complaint about our sex life!
Please could you care enough to take the time to bring me to orgasm (at least occasionally). I don’t need to orgasm every time, but occasionally it would be wonderful to experience that with you. I feel like it’s not important to you and that you don’t care enough to learn how. It leaves me feeling very upset/frustrated and not one bit closer to you. You don’t know how many times I go to sleep with tears in my eyes.
My largest sexual organ is my brain! Build emotional intimacy and trust. Have patience in foreplay then the physical will be great! Be present. Look at me when we make love. Hold me afterwards.
I wish he would pursue me more like he did when we were first married. He knows I won’t refuse now, and I think it takes some of the pursuit aspect away from it. I miss it. It’s a vital part of making me feel attractive and loved.
I AM often tired! It’s not just an excuse.
I’m truly sorry it takes me so long to orgasm.
I’d like him to do more housework so I wouldn’t be so stressed and would be more in the mood for sex
Honey, you’ve been married before and cheated on. You ask me all the time if I would cheat on you and my answer is ALWAYS the same. NEVER! We’ve been married for 7 yrs and I can count the # of times we’ve made love on my fingers and toes! I feel like your roommate, not your wife! Why are you so unwilling to see a doctor about your total lack of desire?
I need more foreplay when we are in the bedroom, and more talking before we are in the bedroom.
If he could help me to get more sleep, we would have lots more sex!
I like the fun stuff, a lot, but I like to throw some romance in occasionally too. It doesn’t always have to be hot and heavy, it can be slow and sweet and just as great! And if I got that part every now and then it would make me feel like you understood me a little bit more.
I need you to want me more
That it is important. Too important to not find a way and means to do it and do it well.
That he would spend time to talk deeply with me, share deeply with me, increase non-sexual touch.
I love it 🙂 I think he knows that though!
It’s so much more than getting in bed and starting things. It’s a relationship end and means. Otherwise I just feel used.
I want to feel desired and making love fulfills that.
I understand that you need sex to feel loved, but please understand that I need connection to feel loved.
Please shower first.
My sexual desire for you is not neediness
I love you so much, and I love having sex with you. But sometimes, I’m honestly just too tired. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I think you can’t satisfy me. I enjoy making love to you, but some nights I am just exhausted.
I love him. I love sex. Really.
all of the little things that he does during the day really do add up to make me even more willing to have sex whenever he wants.
Initiate and show just as much interest. Don’t make me feel like I’m inconveniencing you when I say I really want sex.
It starts looking before the act.
You’re almost there, but I take a long time to warm up!
sometimes I am just really tired and don’t want to.
Take more time on the rest of my body first, then move to the sexual areas.
It’s not a deal breaker for me. There are other things that rank higher than sex to make me feel good.
I really need him to pursue me all the time, not just sexually. I need to know I’m his treasure and that he needs me and wants me in EVERY way.
The “little things (romancing, flowers, stolen kisses, etc.) speak volumes to my heart, just like sex speaks volumes to yours. (Not to misunderstand – sex with you is awesome, too!) *smile*
I NEED sex. It’s not just a desire, but a need.
I want to feel like he loves me with my clothes on as much as he loves me with my clothes off. More affection and attention that’s non-sexual.
Just how important it is to a marriage regardless of weight gain, time, child, etc. It’s importantly for a women to feel wanted sexually too
He had prostrate cancer and that is why we are not having sex!!!
its enjoyable and let;s just be able to communicate better with each other
We’ve come a long, long way. In the early years it was frustrating. Now, the only thing I can think I’d like to communicate is just how “Wow!” he is 🙂
I love him to pieces and want to make him happy. I understand how important sex is to him, and really do enjoy it when we have it. That my menopausal body is throwing me some curve balls with regard to desire and fatigue is in no way a reflection of how I feel about HIM. So I appreciate his willingness to postpone sex for when I can be awake enough to be an actual partner.
You rock it! Let’s do it MORE!
Time together outside the bedroom makes time in the bedroom better
It takes time for a woman to get as turned on/excited as men do.
You are allowed to invite yourself in. You don’t have to wait for me to tell you that you’re good to go. Foreplay shouldn’t last three hours just because you are waiting for the all clear signal because I don’t know what the signal is. It would be nice if it ‘just happened’ now and again. I’m exhausted just waiting and it shouldn’t be up to me every single time.
I want him to want me
That I need to feel like he thinks I sexy and he desires me
I want to feel like he adores me and my body
I want more of it
Be confident and not afraid. Connect to me and know me.
For a woman, sex begins outside the bedroom. I want to feel cherished, unconditionally loved, be seen as a fun person to just hang out with, romance me…
If you want me to warm up to you and be a willing, adventurous partner, then please take the time to show me that I’m important to you in all the other areas of our life (children, home, chores, goals, etc.), not just the bedroom.
I wish he could understand that sex is an intimate, spiritual experience for me. I crave the “connection” more than the physical release.. and I want more of it!
I’m sensual all over, not just in in small erogenous zones.
I would like to have sex with you more, but I know that with your health problems your drive isn’t as much as mine.
I would like it a little more frequently, but he already knows this and tries very hard.
The issues with sex in our marriage are not about my husband, but about me. I would tell him that I love him but there is something wrong with me and my ability to feel safe in sex.
That sex is important to a strong marriage and that we should be having sex a lot. If he has a lack of desire, then he needs to be praying about that or seeking medical attention, whatever needs to happen to make him more willing to have sex more often.
How kind you are to me the rest of the day– the opportunities you give me to relax, the more we converse about important (rather than trivial) things, the more you make me feel really cherished, will determine how fast and far I can go if we have sex that evening. Also, when you initiate, please show some consideration and don’t wait until I’m tucked under the covers and ready to go to sleep. I have to wake up early!
When he rejects my advances, I feel he is ultimately rejecting me. Why? I have given up everything for him and he won’t do this one thing for me.
I feel guilty a lot from past sexual abuse experiences which makes me fear and have anxiety about sex, it takes time for me to get over what happened (this is also for myself to understand).
I am learning how important a healthy sex life is for a great marriage and I wish he was willing to work on it with me.
You gotta climb the palm tree like Mark Unger says
hold me, snuggle, spooning with clothes on in bed
talk to me!!! before during and after, and cuddle more, touch more, the non sexual kind too
That the more connected I feel to him is directly related to how I feel about things on the bedroom
I’m not sure. I think it would be that I don’t have to orgasm every time that we have sex. He feels disappointed if I don’t and he doesn’t need to. It still feels good even if I don’t achieve orgasm.
That it is as important to me as it is to him, it’s just that sometimes it feels like a lot of work to achieve orgasm, and sometimes I’m just too tired to start into the whole process.
That I want to be with you that way! Not only men like sex; I like it, and find it important to our relationship.
On the nights that I truly am exhausted and I know his desire is to make love, I wish that we could just hold one another and me not feel guilt for putting him off til morning. He says it’s OK but I can’t get over feeling like he is put out….even though he is always nice about it. He has a hard time just holding me and our skin touching without getting aroused..which isn’t a bad thing, just makes it hard when I’m sleepy.
I need to know you think I’m desirable. I need you to communicate that. I need you to look AT my body and appreciate it. I want to feel wanted by you
I need to feel like you want sex too, not that it is just me who is aroused. I also feel that you get frustrated with how long it takes me to orgasm but that’s because you don’t take enough time to get me warmed up.
I am the OPPOSITE of you. I need to feel loved to have sex where as you need to have sex to feel loved.
That it begins long before the act itself…the way he treats me throughout the day impacts my desire for sex.
I don’t want anal sex. When he suggests it, it makes me feel like I can’t please him the “normal” way and I feel less confident in my sexual abilities.
Whatever happened to you in your past, please stop avoiding it and move forward. I think I could love you again if you could stop hiding.
Oral sex helps me enjoy sex, let us do it.
That sex isn’t just in the bedroom, the foreplay begins before, with loving words, touching, sexual banter…etc
My sex drive is closely tied with how we’re doing as a couple. When we’re doing well, I am very interested in sex!
knowing you find me unattractive makes it hard to initiate or enjoy sex
There is nothing. We are totally open about everything and feel one about our relationship. We discuss that many times after sex. It’s such a blessing!!! Communication is the key and not being offended at each other by their opinions or needs. If Phil 2 is practiced then it all works out…let each of you consider the other more important than himself…My husband’s goal has always been my pleasure and my goal has been his pleasure. Win/win. We have been through times that it has taken an extended amount of time due to my hormones plummeting when I nurse and I have nursed 9 children in 18yrs but he has always been focused on me thus I have always feel loved!! Yes, we have 9 children and I was yr shy of my master’s degree when we married. God’s way=abundance!!!
I want to learn to orgasm but don’t want to feel like that’s the focus of every session.
His lack of drive makes me feel undesired, unloved and unwanted. I enjoy very much the sex we do have and I want more.
I want to be pursued, and I want more sex, but I don’t want to pressure him — I know his energy (and maybe hormone?) levels are often low.
I need more intimacy emotionally.
If we haven’t seen each other in a few days (due to business trips, etc) don’t assume I want to have sex right away. I need to hear everything you’ve done and I want to tell you what I’ve been up to. Yes, sometimes I might pounce on you, but I need to know how you are (most of the time) and spend some time together – I need to feel cared for and appreciated before we move to the bedroom…or couch…or where ever the urge takes us! It makes me feel safer and more able to be vulnerable once I know where you are emotionally and that I’m the only one for you.
I need the non physical touch and verbal connection more in order to respond and be engaged.
I stay home all day with the kid and I know you need your down time when you come in the door. However, I need some down time too. I am constantly “on call”. Don’t get me wrong; I love you and our family! I need you to “want to spend time” with the kids and not tune out in TV land or go hunting. Where does that leave me? ~o~
Sometimes I just want a quickie.
I wish we would be more adventurous like we were when we first married (different positions, more oral, etc) and that I really love it when he initiates!
It starts with my heart not my body. If it started out right, it would end right, with my body following willing and unabashedly behind. And, when I say I am tired, that usually means that I am needing rest, not activity. Let me rest, then sex will be much better.
Less frequency, more mutual enjoyment
I want to be wanted for me, not for sex
I’d like you to initiate more often.
More frequency would help.
Let’s make it a priority ( his idea is we’ll work at it l8er when we hav more time… I know that’s not reality in life… Hello!)
I don’t need foreplay, I’d rather get straight to the point and I’d like sex at least twice per day 4-5 days per week.
I like the soft tone of his voice when we are together and alone. It is a turn on for me and he knows it.
More forplay and the type of forplay
It is very important to have the bond sex creates
Men and women’s bodies are different. Don’t touch me the way you like to be touched.
It’s not him, it’s me.
I’ve never had an orgasm during sex, but don’t want to say so in a way that it sounds as if I am blaming him, because I’m not. I would appreciate it if he’d be more patient and try to help me out in that area (so to speak).
I still struggle a bit with body image. It doesn’t stop things, but it is the occasional hiccup.
His physical attraction to me is a big deal to me. I can’t compete with every other woman he sees and after having (his) 5 kids, I don’t look like I did before kids, plus I’m older. Having him reaffirm his attraction to me gives me a huge, huge boost in confidence and makes me a more willing partner. Sounds vain, but that’s where I’m at right now.
Come right out and ask for it, rather than hint around.
It’s not you, I’m am seriously just too tired
Foreplay is more than just kissing and touching my breasts. I like to be touched and stroked everywhere.
the more flirtatious touching, both clothed and unclothed, the better; and not just at bedtime. I want to GO to the bedroom ready to orgasm and not have to be brought there after getting to the bedroom.
It could be better than it is now if we work on some things.
don’t be afraid to ask or tell me what you want or how you want it done … I feel like I”m the only one that tells or asks for changes or different things to be done a different way, faster, slower, more less etc.
I need more non-sexual touch and less sexual touch outside the bedroom!!!
Just to get him to want a physical/sexual relationship. He has next to no interest. We can go months between making love.
I left the consistent issue in marriage blank because none of those apply to our marriage. Also I only selected one reason we don’t have sex everyday and that’s because we have kids. Doing this quiz has made me realize just how lucky I am to be your wife. Thanks for loving me and together we have the perfect sex life and a very happy marriage. I love you so much!
I am So. Darn. Tired! Sex is HARD when my body just wants to shut down and sleep! I love him, but my body is DONE by 10:30 pm. If he wants more sex, we need to do it earlier in the day
Make me feel loved and I will WANT to make love!
Just go for it. It’s not “no”, it’s just not right now
Be a little more gentle and slow, give me more time to understand how to achieve orgasm
Act like you like me at other times as well. It isn’t always, but sometimes I feel like that is the only time he really cares about me
That I need foreplay for it to be comfortable (still a virgin)- there is NONE and he’s too impatient to try any so we haven’t been able to have sex ever and we have been married over a year. But unfortunately he’s “okay with it” because I am able to help him get a release in other ways even if I am unable to get a release myself (he won’t touch me but for his own satisfaction).
I need it & it makes us closer, so please stop being selfish with your body.
Make me feel like you love me with my clothes on and I may be more willing to take them off.
Stay tuned for more results from the survey…