The sex argument: “She’s not giving me enough sex”, or “He’s not giving me enough sex”. Over and over we go through the same argument the same hurt, the same “if you loved me you would have sex with me”. This goes on for a few days or weeks, and then it get’s better for a while (mostly out of the party that’s not “putting out” as much as the other party would like, feeling guilty), but sooner than later (usually sooner), we’re back into the same never-ending battle.
How do I know this? Because I’ve been there. Got the t-shirt, and the key chain. Even have the hat. Not there anymore. But in getting from there to where we are now, we’ve learned a few things. You know what it all really comes down to? YOU. It all comes down to you being able to say “I am going to willingly lay down my own selfishness and desires, for the benefit of my spouse and our relationship”. That’s it. The end. I should sell a book!
Oh yes, there are all kinds of excuses either party can come up with. There are all the standard reasons why you are right, and he/she’s not. Or why he/she doesn’t really NEED it as much as they say they do. Or that it’s not as important as everybody says it is. On and on they go…..blah blah blah. Every one of them just trying to excuse what is really at the bottom of it – selfishness. WE don’t want to do something, because WE don’t want to do it. It’s not going to kill us, it’s not going to hurt, it’s not an impossibility, it’s just WE don’t WANT to.
And it’s not like there aren’t plenty of things in this life that we do already, even though we don’t WANT to. I don’t WANT to go to work every day. I don’t WANT to get a filling at the Dentist. I don’t WANT to do yard work in the middle of the summer. But with all these things, what we may WANT or FEEL like doing, doesn’t really apply. Try calling up your boss one morning and telling him you just “don’t feel like” coming in today. Odds are he/she’s not going to be amused. Or what if we didn’t get that filling we needed, just because we didn’t FEEL like it? I don’t think the price of having your tooth decay and eventually fall out, is worth putting it off because you didn’t WANT to.
Why is it that we put sex with our spouse – the one that we stood up there with in front of all those people, and committed to LOVE and HONOR and CHERISH – below mowing the lawn, or going to work, or doing the laundry?! And don’t give me the “it’s just not the same” excuse! What we are saying to your spouses when we deny them sex (barring illness, physical disability, etc) is:
“Sorry honey, even though I know you need what you’re asking for, and can only get it from me, you’re not important enough to lay aside my own feelings/desires/mood, and give it to you”.
Not a real pretty statement is it? Not very sugar coated. Makes us look pretty pathetic really. So instead of just coming out and saying the wonderful line above, we say “sorry honey, work has been really tough lately, I’m just not there right now”, or “Sorry babe, I just don’t feel like it tonight”, or “I have a headache” – hoping to hide the true reason (stated above) behind a more “acceptable” excuse. One that makes us look a little better. Telling ourselves the whole time that “she should just understand”, or “he needs to know that he doesn’t get it anytime he wants it”.
A husband and wife should be able to depend SOLEY on one another for sexual satisfaction, and fulfilling their sexual desires. That means as long as neither party is being stimulated by ANY other sources (porn, erotica, romance novels, etc), their spouse should be able help them satisfy their sexual drive to the BEST of their ability!
“But what if I want to meet my souse’s need, but my body won’t follow?” It doesn’t have to ALWAYS be intercourse! There are plenty of “other ways” that the he can help her, or she can help him, get the release he/she needs, until the time when you can fully participate in intercourse. But just watch you attitude when you do this! This is KEY! If you have a “fine, whatever, I’ll help you” attitude, is that showing love to your spouse? I don’t think so. Even if you have to “fake it” a little for the benefit of your spouse, you are trying to get across that you LOVE them and are WILLING be a servant to them, even if you may not be “totally into it”. And don’t tell me you can’t fake it, because I’ve heard people be right in the middle of a heated argument, their phone rings, and all the sudden they go from blazing mad to “Hello? Hey Angie! (Big fake smile), I’m doing GREAT! How are you guys?” But when it comes to our mate, we have to make sure they know they’re really “putting us out”, and really show them we would rather be doing something else by our attitude.
And you know what that does for the spouse that is asking? It makes him/her think to themselves “I’m not going to ask again, because he/she doesn’t care about this anyway. I’m just an obligation to him/her.” And then that leads to that spouse seeking other, more “willing” sources (like porn or erotica) to satisfy their sexual needs. Wouldn’t you rather have you spouse come to YOU anytime they needed a sexual need met? Even if I’m not always on the same page, I would sure as heck rather have her coming to me, than be tempted to get that need met from some other source.
So, what if instead of throwing a mini-tantrum, we decided to do everything we could to WILL our minds into being “into” it for the sake of our spouse? What if we said to ourselves, “Ok, I’m making the decision to put my own feelings away for a few minutes, and help my husband/wife with a need he/she has that only I can meet. I’m going to do it because I LOVE him/her. I’m going to do it because I know it’s good for both of us, and makes our relationship stronger. It’s not going to kill me. I can do what I was going to do later. I’m making the CHOICE to put him/her first.” I think you may be surprised at how you might find yourself “getting into it” more than you might have thought you would. But even if you don’t, it’s still worth it, because you can rest assured (and better if you’re headed to bed) that you just did something that may have not been on your top ten list at this moment, but in doing so you just built up your spouse, strengthened your marriage, and became closer together at the same time. Sounds a lot better than mowing the lawn anyway. 🙂