Sex. What if we just quit being selfish?

couple_hands-sofa

The sex argument:  “She’s not giving me enough sex”, or “He’s not giving me enough sex”. Over and over we go through the same argument  the same hurt, the same “if you loved me you would have sex with me”.  This goes on for a few days or weeks, and then it get’s better for a while (mostly out of the party that’s not “putting out” as much as the other party would like, feeling guilty), but sooner than later (usually sooner), we’re back into the same never-ending battle.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been there. Got the t-shirt, and the key chain. Even have the hat. Not there anymore. But in getting from there to where we are now, we’ve learned a few things.  You know what it all really comes down to? YOU. It all comes down to you being able to say “I am going to willingly lay down my own selfishness and desires, for the benefit of my spouse and our relationship”. That’s it. The end. I should sell a book!

Oh yes, there are all kinds of excuses either party can come up with. There are all the standard reasons why you are right, and he/she’s not. Or why he/she doesn’t really NEED it as much as they say they do. Or that it’s not as important as everybody says it is. On and on they go…..blah blah blah. Every one of them just trying to excuse what is really at the bottom of it – selfishness. WE don’t want to do something, because WE don’t want to do it. It’s not going to kill us, it’s not going to hurt, it’s not an impossibility, it’s just WE don’t WANT to.

And it’s not like there aren’t plenty of things in this life that we do already, even though we don’t WANT to. I don’t WANT to go to work every day. I don’t WANT to get a filling at the Dentist. I don’t WANT to do yard work in the middle of the summer. But with all these things, what we may WANT or FEEL like doing, doesn’t really apply. Try calling up your boss one morning and telling him you just “don’t feel like” coming in today. Odds are he/she’s not going to be amused. Or what if we didn’t get that filling we needed, just because we didn’t FEEL like it? I don’t think the price of having your tooth decay and eventually fall out, is worth putting it off because you didn’t WANT to.

Why is it that we put sex with our spouse – the one that we stood up there with in front of all those people, and committed to LOVE and HONOR and CHERISH – below mowing the lawn, or going to work, or doing the laundry?! And don’t give me the “it’s just not the same” excuse! What we are saying to your spouses when we deny them sex (barring illness, physical disability, etc) is:

“Sorry honey, even though I know you need what you’re asking for, and can only get it from me, you’re not important enough to lay aside my own feelings/desires/mood, and give it to you”.

Not a real pretty statement is it? Not very sugar coated. Makes us look pretty pathetic really. So instead of just coming out and saying the wonderful line above, we say “sorry honey, work has been really tough lately, I’m just not there right now”, or “Sorry babe, I just don’t feel like it tonight”, or “I have a headache”hoping to hide the true reason (stated above) behind a more “acceptable” excuse. One that makes us look a little better. Telling ourselves the whole time that “she should just understand”, or “he needs to know that he doesn’t get it anytime he wants it”.

A husband and wife should be able to depend SOLEY on one another for sexual satisfaction, and fulfilling their sexual desires. That means as long as neither party is being stimulated by ANY other sources (porn, erotica, romance novels, etc), their spouse should be able help them satisfy their sexual drive to the BEST of their ability!

“But what if I want to meet my souse’s need, but my body won’t follow?” It doesn’t have to ALWAYS be intercourse! There are plenty of “other ways” that the he can help her, or she can help him, get the release he/she needs, until the time when you can fully participate in intercourse. But just watch you attitude when you do this! This is KEY! If you have a  “fine, whatever, I’ll help you” attitude, is that showing love to your spouse? I don’t think so. Even if you have to “fake it” a little for the benefit of your spouse, you are trying to get across that you LOVE them and are WILLING be a servant to them, even if you may not be “totally into it”. And don’t tell me you can’t fake it, because I’ve heard people be right in the middle of a heated argument,  their phone rings, and all the sudden they go from blazing mad to “Hello? Hey Angie! (Big fake smile), I’m doing GREAT! How are you guys?” But when it comes to our mate, we have to make sure they know they’re really “putting us out”, and really show them we would rather be doing something else by our attitude.

And you know what that does for the spouse that is asking? It makes him/her think to themselves “I’m not going to ask again, because he/she doesn’t care about this anyway. I’m just an obligation to him/her.” And then that leads to that spouse seeking other, more “willing” sources (like porn or erotica) to satisfy their sexual needs. Wouldn’t you rather have you spouse come to YOU anytime they needed a sexual need met? Even if I’m not always on the same page, I would sure as heck rather have her coming to me, than be tempted to get that need met from some other source.

So, what if instead of throwing a mini-tantrum, we decided to do everything we could to WILL our minds into being “into” it for the sake of our spouse? What if we said to ourselves, “Ok, I’m making the decision to put my own feelings away for a few minutes, and help my husband/wife with a need he/she has that only I can meet. I’m going to do it because I LOVE him/her. I’m going to do it because I know it’s good for both of us, and makes our relationship stronger. It’s not going to kill me. I can do what I was going to do later. I’m making the CHOICE to put him/her first.” I think you may be surprised  at how you might find yourself “getting into it” more than you might have thought you would. But even if you don’t, it’s still worth it, because you can rest assured (and better if you’re headed to bed) that you just did something that may have not been on your top ten list at this moment, but in doing so you just built up your spouse, strengthened your marriage, and became closer together at the same time. Sounds a lot better than mowing the lawn anyway. 🙂

    • anonymousMe
    • December 10th, 2012

    Wow, you hit the nail on the head with this one. I am so tired of recieving what appears to be “bottom of the barrel sex” that I feel it’s nearly pointless to pursue my wife any longer. I feel like I am just badgering her until she decides to give in, and I have even approached her and tried to talk to her about it with no successful result! It IS selfishness, and we (the high drive spouse) end up feeling unwanted, un-needed and forgotten. Yet we see our other halves pouring themselves into other endevours and worrying/being concerned about other matters – just not us. Want to get your man to look somewhere else for that “I need you” feeling – just serve up a bowl of “leftovers sex” three or four times a month, then tell him that he should feel lucky he gets it more than someone else you know.

    • vr
    • December 11th, 2012

    Not to mention that we must give an account to THE ALMIGHTY in how we loved those he gave us to deny ourselves and take up our crosses and WORSHIP HIM. Great truth in your post.

    • tiredofasking
    • December 12th, 2012

    or once a month leftover sex …. It makes you want to just stop asking, it it means that little to her.

  1. I was both inspired and challenged by this excellent and insightful post. Much for me to work on. Thanks so much for your efforts to bless marriages.

    • livinginblurredlines
    • December 13th, 2012

    I’ll be honest, I sometimes consider throwing in the towel. I’ve talked with hubby about it and it changed for a little while and it crept back to the old ways of no foreplay and pretty much wham bam thank you ma’am. We HAVE sex, reasonably frequent sex, but I want to have an orgasm at least once a week. More would be better.

    But, this post has me thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, even though yes, I ought to have my needs taken care of by my husband, instead of selfishly throwing in the towel, I should continue to give and give and give because I do love him and I do love our intimacy together. And I will continue to pray that the Lord will change his heart towards sex and he will WANT it to be more mutual and actually enjoy and want to give me more orgasms and take care of my needs.

    • Anonymous
    • December 18th, 2012

    Bravo! This should be required reading for EVERYONE – BEFORE they get married. Those who aren’t willing to live up to the responsibility to be the reliable sexual partners they are vowing to be have no business getting married in the first place.

    • The only problem with reading it before they got married, is that they would swear that sex would never be a problem, since the want each other so badly right now! 😉 Thanks for the comment!

        • Anonymous
        • December 19th, 2012

        …which leads to a problem when one, but not the other, changes. One continues through life always wanting the other as much as they ever did, and the other for whatever reason changes their mind. They need to understand that sex, just as much as the rest of the marital responsibilities, is going to be a commitment for life – even if you don’t necessarily feel the same way about it.

        What I’m about to say is a controversial subject in Christian forums, I know, but I’ll dare say it anyway. The best possible indicator of potential future sex drive that anyone is ever going to have is past masturbatory frequency habits. I think that as part of their premarital discussions partners should be honest with each other about their frequencies, and have an understanding that that’s probably going to be an indication of their future desires. Then they’d better be able to agree on how they are going to handle the difference – or any future difference that develops in that difference – in a manner acceptable to themselves and God as supported by His word.

      • As long as your masturbation is not fueled by an outside source like porn, etc. If it is, it’s not a true “center” of where your sex drive’s “normal” is. As long as that’s the case, you might have a good point…

    • Kiki
    • January 30th, 2013

    I have a few thoughts to share about this post and the follow-up comments. Starting with the masturbation issue: “Anonymous” wants the frequency ‘difference’ issue settled, before marriage, in a manner acceptable to God and supported by His word. Okay. According to the Word, you should have neither slept with or been participating in any sexual acts with a woman (any woman) before marriage or be looking on a woman with lust. That leaves you getting off to what? I’m taking the stance that, for the most part, men do not masturbate with an empty mind so, should you be taking part in this solo activity on a regular or even frequent basis before marriage? Probably not. There are actually studies that show men who engage in satisfying themselves on a regular basis with their hand have a harder time being satisfied with a vagina. You get ‘addicted’ to the hand, the feel of it, instead of to the real body of your wife. Same goes for women.

    Second: What happened to relationship?!? I am aware that sex should be an important component of marriage but it’s only one component, granted it’s a very important one but not the whole thing. Relationship and communication are integral to marriage, also, and to the mental and physical health of women as much as sex is to men. Men seem to forget this (or never get it at all) as soon as the ring is on her finger and the sexual relationship begins. They want SEX and their needs should be met! Women want a real relationship, and THEIR needs should be met, too. It’s not all about you, guys, it’s about US/WE/TOGETHERNESS/ONE FLESH, which, by the way, does not only mean sex. It’s the whole enchilada. You can have what looks on the surface like a ‘one flesh’ marriage if you’re having regular sex but, without the rest it’s merely a facade which will eventually destroy the woman.
    As for your post comment “WE don’t want to do something, because WE don’t want to do it. It’s not going to kill us, it’s not going to hurt,” actually it DOES hurt. When a woman consistently has sex with her husband and yet he doesn’t cherish her, protect her, value her, pursue her other than for sex, it’s extremely damaging both to her self-concept/esteem and to her health. I’ve been there. Women have needs, too. They aren’t the same so somehow don’t get the same credit that men’s sexual needs do but, they are valid whether or not you believe they’re valid. Going without validation, attention and love is emotional abuse, which HURTS, just as much as being consistently sexually rejected hurts a spouse, either male or female. Either of these abuses can eventually lead to health problems. Our bodies and minds were not intended to be disconnected, especially in something as intimate as sex that, whether or not we are aware of it, engages body, spirit and soul. I know I have participated in some of the ‘excuses’ you stated at the beginning. They were not meant to be controlling, mean-spirited or selfish. It’s just that, over the long haul it is not beneficial to your health, mentally or physiologically, to partake in a physical relationship without the loving companionship and interaction that should DAILY be a part of marriage, which brings me to my next point…

    This is the same thing men say to their wives when they refuse to engage in and/or deny them a mutually satisfying emotional relationship on a regular basis: “I know you need what you’re asking for (relationship, emotional sharing, emotional intimacy and transparency)but you’re not important enough to me to lay aside (…the game, my hobby, my friend, tv, that extra project, my own fears/feelings/inadequacies, etc.) to give it to you.” Really. IT. IS. THE. SAME!!! Yes, women can and do desire a fulfilling sexual relationship, too (if their husbands have taken the time to ever see that they are also getting physical pleasure from it!). I have been trying to make a concerted effort to have sex on a frequent basis with my husband but, even though the physical ‘magic’ can happen, I usually feel an emptiness and sadness afterwards because neither the emotional or spiritual aspects are yet where they need to be. If women can lay aside their selfishness and feelings and engage physically to please their husbands then men, as well, are able to lay aside their fears, selfishness, etc. and engage emotionally and spiritually, IF THEY TRULY WANT TO PLEASE THEIR SPOUSE.

    And now to the “Even if you have to “fake it” for the benefit of your spouse” and “you may be surprised at how you might find yourself “getting into it”…in doing so you just…became closer together” comments: yeah, I can sometimes physically ‘get into it’ but it’s really, REALLY hard, even if I’m faking the good intentions for my husband’s sake, especially when there’s not much of a relationship and I’m feeling used as a receptacle instead of loved for who I am. And the becoming “closer together”? Really? I’m sorry but this has not been my experience, not even remotely. I’m trying to be giving, have a more positive attitude and may even have an orgasm but, afterwards I still feel a huge distance between us because, for the most part we are only connecting physically.
    God created us spirit, soul and body and all of these are to be integral parts of the marriage experience. We have been married over 35 years. There’s been a LOT of hurt, anger, resentment and selfishness on both our parts. My husband ‘gave up’ fifteen years ago. I know that just living together and in his words, “sticking it out,” is not God’s plan for us or for any marriage. I’m still trying, though there are days I truly wonder why. I’m thankful there are men whose desire is to have a godly marriage AND fulfilling sex lives for both parties but, negating and denying the feminine side of the equation is not how to get there. Teach us, Lord, how to serve and love one another in EVERY respect, especially in the areas where we are uncomfortable and/or selfish.

    • Kiki, Sorry you are in a relationship where your husband isn’t interested in the emotional side of the relationship. Have you tried sitting down, and having a real conversation about it? How you feel, how he feels, etc? Might at least give you an idea of where to start….?

        • Kiki
        • January 30th, 2013

        To be honest, I’m not sure it’s that he’s not interested, I think that for whatever reason he’s just not capable, like he’s emotionally retarded. I think it’s called arrested development. He has admitted that he doesn’t know why he finds it hard to look me in the eyes. This is especially hurtful and distancing when we’re being intimate. Also, though he’s a great guy in a lot of ways, he has always tended to be lazy when it comes to relationships.I have tried so many ways, good, bad, wise, unwise, to get him to understand what I consider to be missing, how it makes me feel, how lonely I have been…it just makes him angry. He thinks I should be satisfied because he IS a wonderful provider, has always been faithful (at least physically), loves me and our kids. He is just SO reluctant to share himself, his feelings (except anger or sarcasm). I even spell out, point blank, what this type of relationship would look like to me and until recently it’s done no good whatsoever. He says he doesn’t have any issues, he’s fine. About four months ago we mutually decided to “start over” but he didn’t have any ideas on what that would look like or, if he did he couldn’t articulate them. I have been at my wits end. Really, thought I was going nuts. Anyway, at this point I am hopefully, finally learning to leave this with God. I have literally done all I can and probably more than I should have. Counselors have not been able to get to the root. I think a lot has to do with fear and insecurities… I do appreciate your blog (I’m a new reader) and feel better knowing that at least some guys have been able to grow up emotionally and “get it.” Thanks!
        Oh, and on the other post of “It’s Not Just About You”…thankfully God has healed a lot in me and I’m no longer a banner-carrying feminist:)

    • Chi
    • March 21st, 2013

    I’m sorry but this article offends me. I’m one of those wives who does render the due, and I resent every minute of it. My husband is a selfish man. I’m up at 3:30 in the morning because I can’t stand to sleep next to him. We have sex regularly, several times a week but enough is never enough. And if I say no, or I’m tired or yes even “I don’t feel like it/not in the mood,” he badgers and insists and demands until I FINALLY cave. If you want me to enjoy it, act like you care about me and my feelings and don’t just expect something because you’re my husband and it’s my duty or something. If that’s how you view it, learn to expect a bitter wife who doesn’t enjoy your company. He might be happy, and feel uplifted, but I can’t sleep at night, and I can’t stand him. It takes two to make a happy marriage. So, what do you say about a selfish person who is overly demanding and unreasonable? Then what?

    • Chi,

      It sounds like your HUSBAND offends you, not this post.

      And it sounds like (from how you describe him) your husband is being a jerk. Begging, and badgering and FORCING you to have sex, is not a caring, loving husband.

      The sexual relationship in a marriage is supposed to bring you closer together, not push you farther apart.

      And why do you “resent” your husband? Is it because he’s not connecting to you emotionally? Is he not making sure you orgasm during sex, and actually ENJOY it? Do you feel neglected until he wants sex, and then all the sudden he pays attention to you? You will never get to the point of giving sex joyfully to your husband, if you resent him for other things in the marriage.

      I would start with a good, HONEST talk. Tell him “ok hon, we have to change a few things for me to not resent you during sex.”, and go from there. Your marriage deserves better than what you are going through now. Honest communication is the best way to start.

        • WHAT??!!!!
        • May 15th, 2013

        I have to say, this article somewhat offends me too. As women in the church, we are taught all our lives that “our bodies are not our own” and that “we must not deprive each other”. My husband knows all the verses that pertain to this – and quite honestly, I’ve been living (some times better than others) this charade in my marriage, except that, when you are the only one putting some effort into your sexual /and emotional connection, it IS going to be lopsided and it is NEVER going to be what God intended.
        So you can stand on your sexual pedestal and tell us to “suck it up, princess” but the reality of the issue is that to have Song of Songs sex (which my husband desires) requires the husband to take the reins and lead his wife spiritually, emotionally, and physically. The sacrifice of himself as the God appointed leader of the family, as Christ himself sacrificed his own “rights” and desires for the sake of his bride.

        And this idea of “fake it ’til you make it” That’s not biblical That’s Dr. Phil. Since when is it okay to “pretend”? God is TRUTH! Listen, I’ve been at the “I’m going to pretend that I’m into this, because that’s what God requires of me” stage, and quite honestly, THAT gives a false sense of intimacy. It’s just a shell. It’s only physical. There’s nothing else there…….and you think this is what GOD wants?
        So before you make a blanket statement that ALL women need to just stop being selfish and suck it up for the sake of sacrificial love, you should beware that sometimes doing that causes the marriage to continue in deceit and Satan is the father of deceit.
        And then you add, just have a good long talk with your husband? WOW – hadn’t thought of that!!!!! Maybe you have a husband who listens and responds to that. That could be why it’s not such a big deal for you to “give it up” even when you don’t feel like it! But listen, some women DO NOT have a husband that seeks out the Lord first, or his wife’s best interest….maybe some women cannot approach their husbands at all without their husband’s anger erupting, or getting the silent treatment for days at a time……
        I’m not going to be the kind of wife that enables my husband to continue in his sin of “lust” (cause that’s all it is if there’s no deeper spiritual or emotional intimacy”).

    • llewin
    • May 16th, 2013

    I have to apologize. I reread my response and my tone is not very nice. For that I am sorry…..I also apologize, ’cause as I read more of your blog, I realized you are NOT the woman speaking, you are a guy.

    I guess I’m just upset that I keep reading blogs/advice on Christian marriages, and it seems, that the most common advice is that the woman is the one with the problem and she needs to suck it up……and you are right, there is never any place for selfishness in marriage…..but to me, telling someone to just “do it” for the sake of “sex” will do nothing for the marriage. That would be like telling an infertile couple to “just have a baby, already” because the bible tells us children are a gift, that we are here to “be fruitful an multiply” and that their quiver should be full – ’cause that’s what the bible says. When we say stuff like this, we completely ignore the fact that THEY CAN’T CONCEIVE!!!
    Telling someone to have sex, and start quoting all the verses that support that, is also ignoring the fact that it’s NOT POSSIBLE to have the kind of intimate sexual experience that Song of Songs depics unless other things fall into place first.
    My almost 18 yrs of marriage of “just having sex out of obligation” and even sometimes trying to “do it with a happy heart” or hiding my dissatisfaction and pretending to really be into it DID NOT SOLVE our intimacy issues! IT CAN’T!!!!
    ….and so, do we put a stop to that behavior and get help so that our marriage covenant becomes something BEAUTIFUL and GLORIFYING to our maker, instead of just getting by on pretending. Our enemy would love for nothing more than complacency.
    I choose the road that leads to showing off my Lord and Savior and the power of redemption…..which sometimes means going reallllllly low, almost to the bottom of the pit in order for Him to heal and restore and pull us back out so that He can glorify Himself thru us….
    Just my opinion….and I could be wrong…….

    • kirchshannon
    • September 23rd, 2013

    After reading this article and all the related comments I just shot up in my bed besides my mate realizing the truth on so many levels – this being my first relationship after a terribly sour failed marriage – Ive been noticing its taken its path down the same road – headed right for disaster – when I read the one comment where the woman stated how she is up at 3:30am while her husband sleeps peacefully it shot right through me – its 1:40am right now and I’m sitting in my bed writing this reply while my mate rests happily in sexual satisfaction – I have become deeply unsatisfied and now realize it isn’t due to boredom or the fire giving out – it is completely due to selfishness of the partners – during my marriage I was completely unsatisfied in bed due to my partner being selfish from the beginning – he would only receive and hardly ever give – but I loved him so much it didnt even matter to me – even with hardly ever reaching climax I had so much respect and love for him that I always was at attention and ready – however once the emotional part fell through the entire relationship collapsed – I learned he cheated on me multiple times and we headed for divorce – now being in a almost 2 year relationship next month with someone new it’s fizzling out – our sex was full of fire almost a month ago – and now it’s dead – and it’s all due to emotion – everytime we lay down together or he approaches me all my anger and resentment spills into my brain – I try to tell myself to let it go and live in the moment but it keeps coming back when I look into his eyes – I have become so emotionally disconnected from him almost repulsed by him – I can’t even produce wetness – I am still giving into his needs but praying for it to end – I keep wondering where I went wrong this time – why this relationship has become sour just like the last – this time I thought I was a much better mate – I would dress up buy toys lubricants – fantasy play – constant oral for my mate – I even ended up loving giving oral sex to him – but now even though I still love doing it my mind wanders during the act – I can’t focus on the sex – I’m focusing on all our unresolved bull – all our squabbling – every time I felt weak or controlled – it keeps flooding in – and I now realize why I’m sitting here all night and many other nights awake and upset – possibly because he has become a selfish lover – possibly because we haven’t really talked about things – possibly because I haven’t communicated my needs effectively – possibly because he just doesn’t care – possibly because he’s made me feel inadequate – there’s so many reasons why – but now I’m about to head out that door – but to what??? Another relationship that becomes this? Is there anyway to avoid this? Or is this what it is to be a wife girlfriend fiancé? To sit there with deep internal unsatisfaction? I’ve done what you said by putting my own needs aside time after time for them and given in – put on a fabulous show – but a rage still exists in me – how do I fix it? Tonight was the 3rd night in a row where I satisfied myself after satisfying him – tonight I voiced my sexual needs and they were ignored – Im not married this time – should I leave it all behind? I thought I found my soulmate and now I’ve just found sorrow – a repeat mistake repeat of a relationship – maybe it’s me? All I know is that this article and all the responses triggered me to wake up – tomorrow I will voice my needs wants and all the anger I’ve been harboring – if we can’t resolve it and it remains the same then I know the answer

  2. It is indeed selfish to not consider the other in the context of sex but I think it goes both ways. It is selfish for a woman to keep saying no to having sex with her husband. It is also selfish for a man to keep asking her even if she has valid reasons. I think both must do the best to give what the other is needing or wanting from them. If you feel like you’ve lost your desire for sex then pray for it! Who says praying for sex drives in marriage isn’t allowed?

      • Sad wife
      • December 10th, 2015

      I agree. Perhaps I am selfish for wanting my husband to have sex with me more than 3 or 4 times a MONTH. It’s been that way from the very beginning of our marriage. I’ve tried asking what he wants or likes, to try to please him more so that he’ll want to more often. He just says “it’s all good” but then tells me he doesn’t like anything except me touching him there.

      I’ve asked about buying lingerie and he says it isn’t important.

      I’m trying to make him happier in bed but it doesn’t change his desire. If I touch him then all he wants if for me to touch him. Then he doesn’t want me to touch him at all or even have sex with me. He might do it after I touch him out of obligation, but that doesn’t help me. He says he likes me touching him better than having se.

      I just want my husband to want me. I’m tired of always being the one to ask.

      I thought having a desire for sex would be good in marriage. We both waited until we were married. My husband decided he wantd to take a nap in the middle of having sex on our wedding day. Unfortunately it’s been like that ever since.

      It’s the same argument all the time. I want sex more, but my husband doesn’t.

      I read what you’ve written about husbands and their desire, but that’s me, the wife. We’re opposites.

      After 15 years, I feel lost. Now if I touch him and then try to switch to sex, he loses his erection and can’t have sex. I don’t know what else to do. I think our sex life is about to end completely.

      And what’s worse–once every few years he tells me he looked at porn again. He doesn’t want to have sex with me, who is more than willing–but he’ll look at others. If this was a constant problem I could say that is the reason, but it’s not all the time, so I don’t know that I can blame that for our regular problems.

      I’m pregnant (which in my case ups my desire) and this decreases his desire.

      I know what others mean when they talk about leftovers sex. I get the husband who hasn’t brushed his teeth all day and doesn’t want to bother before bed, or hasn’t showered in a couple of days, but since he finally wants to, I feel like I have to say yes then, or I’m not going to get to have sex at all.

      He told me this morning he thinks I’m hot, but then he doesn’t do anything about it, so I feel like he doesn’t really think that.

      How can being the one with more desire be a good thing? I just feel selfish. I’ve tried asking for sex twice a week, but it is a very rare thing when it happens, and then if it does it doesn’t happen again for at least 10 days. Three times a month is enough for him. I wish it was three times a week.

      Now that he’s having signs of ED, I think it’s a lost cause. I don’t even know what to pray for with this.

      • I’m so sorry to hear your story Sadwife. It’s so hard to be the one always rejected. I have a few questions for you, that might help you discover what the cause of his low desire is. Email me by going to the “contact page” on this blog.

    • Cody
    • February 4th, 2014

    I so wish that my girlfriend of six years and fiancé of a year (together for seven) would understand this! First year of being together was amazing! 3-4 a week and sometimes more! Slowly dwindled away to the present day where it only seems like she wants sexy when she wants to get pregnant. We have one child and she wants one more and when it comes time to try for another kid I just want to do all I can to say no or prolong the “fun” part of baby making! Oh to feel loved again…

  3. Thanks for finally writing about >Sex. What if we just quit being selfish?
    | mission:husband <Loved it!

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