“It’s HER fault I’m not happy!”

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I want to pose a question for you. One that is not easy to answer. One that is hard to answer HONESTLY. Here’s the question:

Are you counting too much on your wife (an imperfect person, who will always fail) to make you happy, or in the Lord (perfect, never fails) to satisfy this “need”?

Let me explain. I have found periods in my life when I am relying TOO MUCH on my wife to satisfy my every need – whether that be sexual, emotional, or otherwise, and becoming either depressed, or angry, or both, when she doesn’t “measure up” to this impossible mark I have set in my head.

Let me let you in on a little secret – your wife is NEVER going to meet your every need. As hard as she may try, it will never TOTALLY fulfill your every need. And you know why this is? Because the LORD is the ONLY one who can.

Here’s what usually happens (or at least to me) – we get busy with “life”, and start putting less and less priority on spending QUALITY time with the Lord in the mornings, maybe still having “devotions”, but not really seeking His face, or cultivating a relationship with Him. At the same time this is all going on, I’m starting to depend more and more on my WIFE to make me “happy” or feel “fulfilled”. This never has a good ending.

Now as with everything, there are “exceptions” to this scenario, but I’m telling you men, if we are not putting the LORD first in our lives, and trying instead to make our WIVES “fill that spot”, we will go through life always feeling unfulfilled, frustrated, and mad at the world.

What would happen instead, if we TRULY put the LORD first in our lives, and let HIM fully satisfy our deepest needs and desires? If we sincerely got rid of the sin in our lives, and committed to living a life dedicated to serving others, and putting our wives and families BEFORE ourselves? All of a sudden the “pressure” on our wives to be EVERYTHING for us (including the things they’re not supposed to fulfill) is gone!

The Lord never expected our wives to take HIS place! On the contrary! “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” – Matthew 6:33  Did you hear what he said there? EVERYTHING? So that means that as men, we need to make darn sure our walk with Christ is at the first and foremost position in our lives, and then our wives, families, job, etc follow after that. Instead, we tend to be lazy in our spiritual lives, and then get mad at our wives for not giving us this or that, and for causing our unhappiness, when really, the dissatisfaction we feel is from a lack of connection with God, not our wife. Our wives are just easier to take it out on.

Yes, you’re supposed to have a close relationship with your wife. Yes, you’re supposed to be best friends, and cherish and adore your bride. Yes, she is supposed to fulfill your sexual needs (notice I said “needs”, not “wants”), and love and support you. But she is going to fail. She’s human.

Sorry if this post isn’t a “feel good” one today. The Lord has really been working on my heart lately about this stuff, and I feel we as Christian husbands, have really fallen short in really BEING the Men in Christ that we CLAIM to be. Instead, we seem to take the easy road out, hit church every week, read a Bible story or two to the kids at night, and put a mental “check mark” on our “God time”. This is NOT good enough. This needs to change.

So maybe it’s time to take a long, hard look at where your spiritual life is REALLY at right now. Do you feel like you have a live, active, relationship with Him? Do you look forward to your time with Him everyday? Or has He just become something your “affiliated with”, but don’t really pursue? Maybe it’s time we stand up and really mean it when we say “For me and my house we will serve the LORD”. Maybe it’s time we quit blaming out wives for not “fulfilling” what God didn’t create them to fulfill. 

    • Robert
    • March 2nd, 2013

    Look, you’re right that a man should seek God first and that a wife can not fulfill his every need. But God created woman because He saw that it was not good for man to be alone. He created woman to fulfill needs no one else can fulfill. So when you say don’t depend on your wife to make you happy, you’re basically rejecting God’s blessing. And you excuse women from fulfilling the duties God created them to fulfill.

    If a man is a good Christian, and a good husband, and a good father, and a good man, he should be able to depend on his wife to make him happy. That’s why God provided her. She’s your partner in living life. The woke point of live is sharing love and pursuing joy. She was created specifically to help you with that.

    Yes, God will provide you with everything you need if you trust Him to. But you can’t quit your job then say “God will provide food, shelter, and clothing for me.” That job is HOW He provides it. It’s the same with marriage. A man who finds a wife finds a good thing. She is the vessel by which God provides a man’s happiness. If she doesn’t help him be happy, she is not fulfilling her duty as a wife.

    • Robert, sorry if I came across as “you don’t need your wife”. I didn’t mean that at all. God said “it isn’t good for man to be alone”, and it isn’t. All I’m saying is that we can’t make our wives the basis of our happiness in life! If we do this, every time they fail, or don’t “live up” to what we expect them to live up to, we feel like our life is falling apart. If we have a strong foundation in Christ first, and then that reflects in the relationship with our wives, we can continue to stay strong and be the loving husband we need to be, regardless of how our wives may be treating us at the time.

      Sorry, hope that helps clear it up a little…

    • Mike
    • March 2nd, 2013

    Great post! Once I finished reading through your post “Being The Spiritual Leader of Your Home” last year I realized that that was God’s way of telling me, “HEY! There are other people relying upon you for spiritual strength and a righteous example. Get with the program!” Ever since, I have been doing my best at what a loving husband should be for his wife on a daily basis. Though I am temporarily on the oposite side of the world, I have found that there are thousands of ways to nurture, love and be that spiritual leader God needs us to be for our wives and family. And I am happy to say, our marriage has never been stronger!

    So if I can do it (Note: not always perfectly) being thousands of miles away from home, anyone can do it!

    • Thanks Mike! It’s so hard to keep that connection with the Lord, with all the “business” that family life brings, but if made a priority, it CAN be done, and is so rewarding. God bless you and your family!

  1. Now that’s a good word! It is amazing how this can creep up on you – but God is our True Lover, and our relationship with our wife is to be a reflection of that love.

    Excellent post!

  2. A lot of folks have written about this issue, but what you said felt more balanced and accurate than most. Thanks!

    • Amy
    • March 2nd, 2013

    This was an excellent post! (me, being a wife) fully agree…however…I feel this message is for us wives as well. As a stay at home mom, I am often exhausted and burned out after a long day/week and depend too much on my husband to fulfill my needs or desires that may be lacking from being home all day. (not complaining about staying home) Just wanted to say I agree with the content and that this goes for us wives too! thanks for sharing!

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