Keeping your SEX life alive during hard times – What say you?

Today’s post is not a post from me, but rather a question aimed at my readers.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me the question: “How do you keep your sex life, and the closeness that comes along with it – active, or at least not TOTALLY dead, while one spouse is sick/disabled/can’t perticipate like they wish they could.”

And don’t skim over the important part, the sick/disabled spouse WISHES they could perticipate in intercourse (even if it’s just for the sake of the other spouse), but because of their temporary condition, they are not able to.

I’m talking life events like injuries, pregnancy (morning sickness), back problems, etc. Things that take the intercourse option off the table for the time being.

So, it’s your turn – What have you found that helps?

How do you releave the sexual tension, when sex isn’t an option?

How do you avoid hurt feelings, when one spouse still wants a “normal” sex life, but the other one can’t give them that for now?

Ready…….? GO!

Post your comments below! 🙂

  1. I know that you’ve referred to a temporary inability to enjoy intercourse, but I recently read an article by a young woman who had a c-6 spinal cord injury leaving her a quadriplegic. It’s interesting to see how someone permanently unable to enjoy sex in the same fashion is dealing with the topic of intimacy in marriage.

    In the article she talked about “We had so much passion before the injury and I wasn’t about to let this accident interfere with our connection. Intimacy is all about communication. I no longer felt the things I used to feel and my desires were forced to change. I swept away my insecurities because I knew Chris saw me for me and the attraction was still strong.”

    If you’re interested in reading the article, here’s the link: http://info.ourability.com/blog/bid/269877/Spinal-Cord-Injury-and-Relationship-Inspiration

    • Bob
    • March 4th, 2013

    Wife talks dirty along with masturbation. or with her knowledge watching videos of the two of us made in the past with her present.

  2. There are numerous positions and methods of sexual gratification that can be performed when actual intercourse is not an option. Find what you’re mutually comfortable with and have fun. After three pregnancies, I’ve explored them all with my wife! What’s important is keeping it a cooperative deal, flying solo risks issues later.

    That said, returning to an area of your life after a fast is extremely gratifying. In the case of a temporary hiatus, hold out as long as you can. Tease each other, keep the romantic flame burning, make the anticipation build. The resulting experience upon your return is worth it!

  3. My bride has always been very good about being aware of my sexuality when she was not able to fully participate – meaning I don’t have to ask, she offers.

    The offer could be her hand, or laying with me while I use my hand, or something more creative if she is able.

    There have been only a very few occasions when I was able to do the same for her, but it was an awesome feeling to take care of her sexuality when I was unable to receive. I was saying I cared about her, and her needs, and even just her wants, enough to put aside my own whatever. That’s what love does, right?

    • Lisa Hetherington
    • March 5th, 2013

    I am becoming more & more disabled every year. Intercourse is still an option for us, but I would be VERY interested in others’ comments to file away for later. I SO do not wish to deprive my husband (or myself, for that matter) 🙂

    • Lisa, Thanks for the comment! If you don’t mind sharing (so to better address situation), what is your disibility?

    • Dave
    • March 5th, 2013

    A couple of thoughts:
    1) As others have noted, broaden your concept of what “sex” is. Can any or all of Oral sex, hand job, mutual masturbation, showering together, etc fit into your view of what sex is? Does sex have to culminate in orgasm to be called sex? In times when vaginal intercourse is not possible, some of these other activities can fill the gap.

    2) As noted the examples you give are temporary examples of when intercourse may not be possible. After years in a sexless marriage, as I’ve thought about the root causes of my frustration, one aspect is the “open-endedness.” I have no idea of when our next sexual encounter will be (if it will ever happen), and no sense that she will do anything to make it happen. I think one key, especially for the spouse who has to say no (whether it is the man or the woman who needs to say no), is to emphasize the temporary nature of the problem. “Doctor says 3 months, and as soon as the doctor says its ok again, you and I are going to …..” Surviving a drought is a lot easier if I know there is an end to the drought.

    • livinginblurredlines
    • March 17th, 2013

    DH is seriously ill right now and it is going to be a long recovery. He already made it clear to me that sex is completely off the table. All sex, so it’s no use me asking for a hand job or oral from him. When I was pregnant and post partum, even when I could not enjoy receiving sex, I gave to hubby without him having to ask for it, so I admit I’m a little miffed that he won’t reciprocate. However, I decided that I’m not going to let it harm our marriage. I have a choice to be gracious and understanding in this. I have already prayed for the Lord to temper my drive (which tends to be higher than DH’s anyway) and I decided to focus on loving and serving my DH, nursing him through this illness; and to grow intimately in other ways, such as our friendship and non sexual intimacy. So while sex isn’t on the menu now, we are continuing with plenty of non sexual and quasi sexual touch and love such as hugging, kissing, cuddling, back rubbing, etc. This is also a great time to discuss our marriage bed since there’s no pressure to actually perform in it any time soon!

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