Wives: 10 Ways to Put a Big Goofy Grin on Your Husband’s Face

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Ok wives, let’s face it – your husband thinks a bit differently than you do about sex. I’m sure there has been a time or two when your husband tells you something about what he would like to do sexually, and you’ve  looked at him with that “he just said what?” look your face and said “You want to do what again?”

Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. We are kind of strange at times, and that’s the whole point of this post. How are you supposed to think like your husband about sex, when you’re NOT a guy?

Well, that’s where this little list comes in! But first a couple of things to get out of the way:

1. This list is like a “one size fits most” hat. It will probably fit your husband, but there are always those guys with really big or small heads. Use what you can from it, ignore the rest.

2. This is not a list like you find in Redbook in one of their “10 ways to please your man” lists. It does not require you to order a topless Mrs. Claus suit. Rather, this is a list for the regular, everyday husband, who adores his wife,  probably has a few young kiddos running around, and is wondering if there will ever be time for a sex life again.

“Ten ways to put a big goofy grin on your husband’s face” (without having to buy a topless Mrs Claus suit):

– After the kids go to bed one night, tell him you’re declaring it a “topless movie night”, and no one is allowed to wear shirts. (Odds are, he won’t remember much of the plot of the movie, but he’ll be in 7th heaven)

– Send him a picture of one of your “for his eyes only” parts, via text or email (or using a couples app like Avocado, or Couple), with a message like “Later” attached. He will think about it all day.

– When you sit down on the couch with him to watch tv after the kids go down, wear a skirt, sit at the end of the couch with your feet facing him, and “forget” to wear panties. See how long it takes him to notice.

– When you’re somewhere simi-private with him, let your hand slowly run over his (ahem) and tell him “I can’t wait until we go to bed later”

– When you’re getting dressed in the morning, say “hey hon, can you come pick the panties you want me to wear today, and then take off of me tonight? I’m not sure which ones to wear”

– Join him in the shower one morning out of the blue, when he left you in bed “sleeping”. Ask him if you can help him wash those hard to reach areas. He won’t mind being late for work that morning. 

– Set your alarm a little earlier than his, and find “creative ways” to wake him up. I’m not going to expound on that one. 

– After the kids are in bed, go into your bedroom saying you’re going to change into your PJ’s. Come out completely naked, and sit down by him like there’s nothing up. Maybe grab a magazine and start thumbing through it like everything’s normal. Oh, and make sure you help him pick his jaw up off the floor. You may need it later. 😉

– When you’re riding in the car together (not driving), text him with an explanation of what you’d like to do to him later when you get home. 

– If he’s leaving on a business trip, or has to be away for a few days, make him a “private video” for him to watch when he calls you later that night. Just be sure he has a way to hide it on his phone (Audio Manager on Android platform is a great app for this). Might not be a great one to accidentally come up during a business presentation. 

– During a dinner out, or trip to the store, lean over and whisper to him that you’re not wearing any panties. Just be prepared to get home a little sooner than you may have intended. 

So there you go! a few things you can do to completely floor your hubby, and make him wonder how the heck you know exactly how to drive him wild all the time. Have fun, and remember, these are just ideas. You know your husband’s likes/desires more than anyone, so  make sure you tailor them to fit your guy. However you adjust them though, you can make sure that he won’t be able to get that goofy grin off of his face for a while. 😉

    • Puzzled
    • July 13th, 2013

    You’re kidding, right? You started with “It does not require you to order a topless Mrs. Claus suit.” But your first suggestion is topless movie night!? It’s true that any one of the things on your list would put a grin on my face (especially 4 and 6), but I know my wife well enough to know that giving her this list would make things worse, not better. I doubt that I’m the only one.

    • Well, I don’t know about your wife, but if you asked 10 wives if they’d rather dress up in a topless Mrs. Claus suit, or just take their shirt off, they would go with the latter.

  1. *sigh* Idk why I torture myself reading stuff meant for the stereotypical “high drive husband/low drive wife” couple. I’ve done 8 things on this list (some of which I was stupid enough to try more than once) and generally I either get laughed at, ignored, or a big giant sigh accompanied by “I’m really too tired for this.”
    I’m sure these types of suggestions would be brilliant for many, but I’m probably not the intended audience. :/

    • PS, I haven’t done the topless Mrs. Claus suit but I have laid under a Christmas tree wearing only ribbons and bows. I can still hear the laughter ringing in my ears 4 years later.

        • livinginblurredlines
        • July 15th, 2013

        Suzyhomeschooler, you are not alone. My DH laughed at my costume attempts, too and many things on the list wouldn’t work in my marriage. He flat out told me absolutely no sexting, pics or videos. He’s afraid someone will see them and that even with secure programs, once it’s sent out into cyberspace, it’s fair game. That’s sweet that he wants to protect me that way, but since he travels a lot, it leaves us very….separated. The only time he wants me without panties outside of the home is while I’m giving birth or having my annual exam done! Oh, he’d be driving me home sooner than expected…to get me a pair of panties! A lot of my advances for “later” get met with a tentative yes and usually wind up with him snoring next to me while I lay there wondering why nothing happened. Oh, and the TV’ll get a LOT more attention than my bare chest. He’ll say it’s nice and give a quick ogle, but then it’s all TV and plot line from there. And when the show’s over, he’ll give me a peck good-night, roll over and go to sleep. And no shower hanky-panky. I only recently got him to like having a shower with me…so long as it’s a shower and not with any sexual expectations. As for his jaw….I don’t recall ever seeing him have a jaw-dropping expression for me. And using it later? He doesn’t like giving or receiving oral…or manual…

        For over a decade, I wondered what was wrong with me. I finally came to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. My attitude is fine, my sexuality is fine, my body is fine, my face is fine….hubby has the hang-ups. He’s got the issues.

      • Lol…it sounds like your husband doesn’t know how good he has it. Most guys would LOVE any of the above from their wives. In fact, most would probably have a heart attack. Lol! 😉

      • @ livinginblurredlines – My husband has never minded my sending him photos, he would just ignore them. In fact, I once sent him a photo via email and later that day I happened to be in the next room when he opened the email, but he didn’t know I was there. I saw him shake his head, close the email, and go on to play an online game for 4 hours. After that we had a discussion about how it hurts my feelings when he doesn’t respond to that type of photo. I told him I felt like he didn’t want me at all, besides to raise his children. Now he says “thats hot” if I send him a picture. If I push, he’ll even give a tentative “yes” for sex later. But it always ends the same, just as you described, him watching tv all evening, then snoring next to me while I wonder what happened.
        @ missionhusband – so I’ve been told. I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. Personally I’d love it if the roles were reversed, even if just for a day. I’d love to open up my phone to a naughty picture or to find him near nude under the Christmas tree. At least in that situation I’d know I stood a chance at getting lucky.

        • livinginblurredlines
        • July 16th, 2013

        Suzyhomemaker, people may laugh at us, but know that you and your husband are in my prayers. This is NOT how husbands and marriages are supposed to be.

      • Dave1
      • July 17th, 2013

      @suzyhomeschooler and livinginblurredlines

      I personally appreciate you ladies commenting here. As I read comments and such from refused women in sexless marriage, I am often impressed by how similar their feelings and experience is to my own (a refused husband in a sexless marriage). I, too, sometimes think we should do more in these discussions to acknowledge those cases where the woman has a higher libido than her husband. The “best” numbers I’ve seen suggest that it is only 2/3 to 3/4 of marriages where the husband has the higher drive. In politics, this is a super-majority not to be questioned. In other things, however, 25-30% is a sizeable population. Perhaps we should give more air-time to acknowledging this population.

      That said, I would be interested in extending this post. If Gerad would allow, what would this post look like if, instead of addressing the stereotype, it directly addressed your situation? If you were writing a post titled “5 ways to put a goofy grin on your (higher desire) wife’s face”, what suggestions would you put in it? Would you include #6 (join her in the shower) as with with the pronoun’s reversed, or would it look different? Would you include something like #8 (just show up naked) or would that look different? As I noted earlier, it seems to me that the experience of refused wives is often more similar than different to the experience of refused husbands, but this might be a post that could highlight some of those differences, and I think it would be an interesting addition,

      • Good call Dave!

      • I’m with those ladies! The suggestions don’t always work in the reverse, women aren’t as visual as men. These suggestions also hint at some promise of intimacy. Don’t tease if you don’t want to please.

      • Wait, I don’t get it. “These ladies” are saying that they wouldn’t work for their husbands. Are you saying they wouldn’t work for your husband either? Or that they wouldn’t work for YOU if your husband tried them on you?

      • Now that is an interesting question, thank you!
        Many men just talk about how thrilled they would be if their wives behaved the way I do, and many women just talk about how they wish they had my libido neither of which is comforting to the higher drive wife. If anything comments from other men about how grateful they would be if their wives did this or that make me feel worse because *MY* husband wished I would stop doing those same things. He has been much more content and happy in his day to day existence since I stopped trying to seduce him.

        If I were to re-write this list from a higher drive wive’s perspective, it would look like this:
        – After the kids go to bed one night, challenge her to a board game. As you’re setting up the game casually mention that the winner gets to pick the position you make love in afterwards. (If my husband did this I would loose the game on purpose as quickly as possible just to get to the fun stuff after the game.)
        – When you know that she isn’t busy with the children (perhaps during nap time) text her from work and ask her to send a picture of the panties you’ll be taking off of her tonight.
        – When you’re cuddling up on the couch watching tv, take her hand and hold it in your hand on your thigh. Slowly, discretely move her hand closer and closer to your *ahem* every few minutes. See how long it takes her to notice your intention and [for lack of a better term] grab the bull by the horn for you.
        – When you’re somewhere semi-private with her, pull her close to your body for what appears to be a loving hug, but then grasp her butt or breast in your hand and whisper something to the effect of, “I just can’t resist you.”
        – When she’s taking her morning shower, getting dressed, or putting on make up, come watch her. When she asks what you’re doing, tell her you’re just enjoying the view. Consider pointing out a pair of panties or a cute top that you would like to see her in. If its true, tell her you like how she looks without make up (but don’t say it if it isn’t true).
        – Join her in the shower and make sure that her breasts are the cleanest they have ever been by the time she gets out. Ask her to help you wash your hard to reach areas as well.
        – Encourage her to take an afternoon nap if its been a rough day. Send the kids to play at a friends house then wake her up in a “creative way.” See if you can’t turn the day around and end it on a good note with some afternoon delight.
        – After the kids are in bed, call her into the bedroom with something vague like “hey honey, can you come help me with this” When she arrives, clarify that the thing you needed help with was removing her bra.
        – When you’re riding in the car together (not driving), text her with an explanation of what you’d like to do to her later when you get home.
        – If you’re leaving on a business trip, leave a note under the pillow for her to find while you’re away, detailing all the reasons you’ll miss sharing a bed with her that night, and asking her to call you to talk more intimately about these matters.
        – During a dinner out, lean over and quietly ask her to go to the bathroom, remove her panties, and put them into her purse. If she needs an explanation, tell her you want easy access to your dessert when you get home.

        Keep in mind, every woman is different. I’m sure some higher-drive wives wouldn’t go for these things. But for me, personally, this is the type of stuff I used to do for my husband and *wish* he would do for me.

        • livinginblurredlines
        • July 17th, 2013

        I thought about starting a blog along the lines of Spice and Love’s blog, but I can’t because I don’t feel right blogging about my higher drive (and by proxy, my sex life) without hubby’s approval, which is probably another reason why so little is found about higher drive wives from a higher drive wife’s perspective. The best I can find, and it’s is very good, is The Marriage Bed message boards. There are other higher drive and refused wives on there.

        As for your question about whether the reverse would work, yeah, women aren’t as visual in general, though some are just as visual as men. For me, words of affirmation and touch would send me through the roof. If my husband WANTED to give me a massage, oral sex, an orgasm, or actually wanted me to dress up or play a sexy little game (like love dice or something) I’d be thrilled. Washing each other in the shower, relaxing in a jacuzzi or bubble bath, whispering sweet nothings about me in my ear (yeah, so lame, but so arousing!). In my fantasies about my husband, I imagine him telling me how beautiful and arousing intimate parts of me are and it’s enough to send me to the moon and back. If he gave me a foot massage and pedicure, I’d swear I’d died and went to Heaven. Even just a foot massage. If he booked a B&B for a night and planned for babysitting…ooooohhh…I’d brag about him to the ends of the earth! If he even just said, “honey, you look exhausted, why don’t I get the kids to bed and do dishes and you just relax any way you’d like. I’ll be in later to help you relax” instead of giving me a “sucks to be you, you’re the one who wanted to be a mom” attitude, slamming the bedroom door and crashing to some DVD he watched a hundred times already, I’d feel like a queen.

        Men seem to want to be wanted and it manifests in the physical sense. Women seem to want to feel worth wanting and it manifests in the relational sense. Doing things to show that he loves HER (and not just her breasts, butt and vagina) and that she’s worth something to him to care for and love goes a LONG way. Of course, like this article, it isn’t a cut and dry answer for everyone.

        For once, just for once, I’d like to feel like hubby loves me more than himself.

      • @ livingblurredlines –
        Our husband seem to be a little bit different in some aspects, mine is amazing with the kids. He views childcare as one of the most challenging jobs a person can do and he goes out of his way to help around the house and to help with the kids. I am very, very lucky in that way.
        I’m also very lucky that he is affectionate in a non-sexual way. Hand holding, back rubs. If I ask, he won’t say no.
        Words of affirmation is actually my primary love language and while he’s not so good with the words, he at least tries.
        The only problem is, with all of these things, at the end of the day, I feel like my husband loves me the same way a man loves his mother or his sister or his daughter. He wants to take care of me, he wants me to be happy. But he just doesn’t want me sexually. Nothing makes a woman feel like a woman the way that sex does. Go long enough without it and you start to loose part of yourself. Like a piece of you is dead inside.

      • Thanks for being so honest about your struggles Suzy. There’s a couple things I somehow can’t even comprehend, and I’m glad you’re here so I can ask, and maybe understand.

        One would be the idea that a husband can roll over and go to sleep, if his wife has made it quite clear that she is all (pardon the explicit) wet and horny. Really?! It’s a huge turn on for most guys for their wives to tell them they are “ready to go”, but you’re saying that in your husband’s case, it doesn’t even get a rise (pun intended) out of him? He’d rather go to sleep, then make love to his already warmed up (in otherwords it’s not going to take a lot of work on his end to get you there) wife? I just don’t get it…

        The other one would be, what if you were to just “take matters in your own hands” for lack of better wording, get on top of him (say when you’re in bed in the morning or something) and start grinding on him (again sorry for the graphic)? Would he respond, or push you off? (Not sure how any guy couldn’t respond, but hey that’s me….)

        I guess I just don’t know how to think like the low drive husband would. What a strange world…

        • Dave1
        • July 22nd, 2013

        @ missionhusband: When you say that you can’t seem to understand or even fathom being able to “roll over and go to sleep when your wife is ready and willing,” I can certainly agree with you. In some ways, I think this is part of the frustration these women feel. To you and me (stereotypical men), these low desire men are kind of like bigfoot or the loch ness monster — people have claimed that they exist, we have even seen the grainy, shadowy pictures. But, we still cannot quite wrap our brains around such a mythical beast. What I think we can do is empathize with these ladies, because I find that their experience is very similar to mine.

        @suzyhomeschool: I liked your list. A game of “strip (fill in the blank with your favorite card or board game)” would be a lot of fun.

        One that stood out to me was the “grab and grope” one. It is interesting to me how many blog entries aimed at us high desire men warns against the “grab and grope.” I don’t know what it means (if anything), but I find it interesting that, when the roles are reversed, a little grab and grope is desirable.

      • Lol Dave! Thanks for the comment!

    • Jeremy
    • July 16th, 2013

    Speaking as a (former but hope to be again) husband, if my (future) wife did ANY of these, I would be thrilled.

  2. Tonya Blood :
    These suggestions also hint at some promise of intimacy. Don’t tease if you don’t want to please.

    Yes, yes, a thousand times YES!
    The single most hurtful thing my husband has done (repeatedly) is hint at, or even blatantly promise, sex or intimacy THEN not deliver on said promise.
    It really sucks when you spend all day looking forward to that night only to find yourself crying into your pillow because he insisted on watching tv for 5 hours straight then claimed he was too tired to fool around. It is better to not show any interest in sex than it is to make a sexual promise only to break that promise.

  3. missionhusband :
    Thanks for being so honest about your struggles Suzy. There’s a couple things I somehow can’t even comprehend, and I’m glad you’re here so I can ask, and maybe understand.
    One would be the idea that a husband can roll over and go to sleep, if his wife has made it quite clear that she is all (pardon the explicit) wet and horny. Really?! It’s a huge turn on for most guys for their wives to tell them they are “ready to go”, but you’re saying that in your husband’s case, it doesn’t even get a rise (pun intended) out of him? He’d rather go to sleep, then make love to his already warmed up (in otherwords it’s not going to take a lot of work on his end to get you there) wife? I just don’t get it…
    The other one would be, what if you were to just “take matters in your own hands” for lack of better wording, get on top of him (say when you’re in bed in the morning or something) and start grinding on him (again sorry for the graphic)? Would he respond, or push you off? (Not sure how any guy couldn’t respond, but hey that’s me….)
    I guess I just don’t know how to think like the low drive husband would. What a strange world…

    I’m not sure how other men would respond, but I can tell you how my husband has responded. I hope I’m not being too graphic with my wording, I’ll try to water it down so as not to give anyone a TMI….

    There have been many times in my marriage when I have been *ready* and been turned down. Sometimes its earlier in the day, sometimes it is at bed time. For the sake of length (I don’t want to write a whole book here) I’ll just give a few examples of common things I’ve tried and the results I’ve received. And lets say (again for the sake of length) that in this scenario, the children are in bed for the night, my husband and I are curled up in bed (usually he wears boxers to bed, I wear a shirt and panties), he generally is watching tv and….
    – I curl up next to him, stroke his chest, abs, and eventually slip my hand inside of his boxers stroking him until he’s hard. He generally ignores this. After maybe 30 minutes of being hard, he starts to get agitated and asks me to stop. At that point his erection goes away on its own and he goes to sleep soon after.
    – I leave the room and come back wearing lingerie or a sexy costume. He says “thats hot” then invites me to come sit next to him. He puts his arm around me but continues to watch tv, eventually falling asleep.
    – I kiss his neck, his chest, etc.. He sighs, tells me he’s too tired or just not in the mood, and tells me to stop.
    – I use my mouth on him to get him hard, and I have him finish in my mouth. He says “thank you” and invites me to lay next to him while he watches tv.
    – I use my hand or mouth to get him hard, jump on top of him, and literally put him into me. He sighs and says nothing. He doesn’t put his hands on me. He doesn’t kiss me. He just lays there and lets me (for lack of a better word) rape him.

    There have been times in the past when if I did these things, he would literally push me off of him. There was one time I tried to give him a blow job and he literally kicked me in the face trying to get away from me. He no longer fights me if I pursue him sexually -but- I rarely pursue him sexually because he has made it so damned clear that he doesn’t want me sexually.

    • Wow. I don’t even know what to say. Blows me away. And he’s not into porn or any of that?

      Has he ALWAYS been this way? For example, what about the honeymoon? Was he interested in your pleasure then? Was it something that developed after kids came along, etc?

      Also, when you “rape” (sorry, term you used) like that, does he finish in you, or just let you do your thing and then act like you’re just annoying?

      Sorry, hope that isn’t too much…

    • livinginblurredlines
    • July 17th, 2013

    @SuzyHomemaker Yes, our husbands are different. My DH is great with the kids if I’m home to take care of any tantrums, diapers or other “mom” issues. He’ll take some of the kids if he wants to, but only on his terms. I have to say, he has come a LONG way with this. When we first started having children, he wouldn’t even carry the diaper bag or infant carseat carrier for me and would yell at me to shut that f-ing kid up if the baby was up crying. Now, if the baby cries, he’ll actually get up and check on the baby. But to watch the kids and let me leave…that’s very very rare.

    He’s sexually and non-sexually affectionate, but only in ways he wants to be. I can ask for a backrub and he’d give one to me..for about 30 seconds…I remember telling him I loved it when he kissed my neck, and he stopped kissing my neck! It’s like he has this aversion to giving me pleasure and is more about taking pleasure from me for himself. It reflects in our marriage bed. He out and out told me that he doesn’t like taking the time and effort to bring me to orgasm. He’s better at it now, but only on his terms..and absolutely no oral sex, which is my favorite to give and receive.

    He tells me that he loves me a lot and he compliments dinners and the way I look, but only if it pleases him.

    @mission: husband, I’ve been trying for a while now to understand why my husband can ignore and prefer to go to sleep when I’m wet and horny AND not want to give me pleasure. I recently caught him masturbating after refusing me sex and I asked him why he’d prefer to masturbate when he has a willing and eager wife. He told me sometimes he just wants to jack off and not worry about cuddling with me or making me feel good. At times (in this case 1-3 times a weekend) he would rather masturbate than make love. He also told me, “You always want to make love. I just want sex.” Sex is just sexual release to him. Not much more. He’d actually be happy if I was a sexually disinterested wife that he could just take and use when he wanted and not have to worry about pleasing. Boggles my mind. Absolutely boggles my mind. I lived for over a decade with bitter tears, worry, grief and a self esteem as low as a worm’s belly because of this. Now, I realize I’m fine. DH has the issues. The problem is, he doesn’t see anything wrong at all and no one’s going to change his mind and I’m still trying to figure out how to live like this for the rest of our days. If people talk to him about it, he’s all head nodding and agreeing, but his actions don’t line up.

    Over all, things have been improving. It is hard with him working away from home a lot. There’s a lot of disconnect and I never feel like a weekend is long enough to fulfill my sexual needs, especially when they are so inadequately met during the weekend, or even ignored. I just cling to Jesus and do the best I can.

    • I’ve had people tell me that I can’t be in a sexless marriage because if it was truly sexless I wouldn’t have conceived my children.
      I’m not proud of myself for it but when my husband wanted a second baby, he would only have sex with me when I was ovulating so….I lied to him about my ovulation hoping I’d at least get monthly sex for a little while. Turns out I’m incredibly fertile and we conceived almost immediately after we started trying.

  4. Its a little painful to talk about it but if we (the refused wives) don’t start talking about it then how will anyone know? There are a few, very very few, good blogs and online articles on this subject but general awareness is still very much lacking. For that reason I’ll answer any questions you or anyone else may have.

    He used to watch porn, but he came to realize the damage porn was doing to himself a little over a year ago and he has been porn clean ever since.
    When he was a porn viewer, he was more selfish and less patient with both me and the children. He was generally just angry all the time. Since he cut porn out of his life, over a year ago, he has become a better father to our children and a better friend to me. Also, since he cut porn out of his life, he no longer physically pushes me away from him. He still emotionally pushes me away but not physically. I am extremely proud of him for his personal efforts to be a healthier person….but I’d be lying if I said that I’m not a tiny bit disappointed that he still doesn’t want me. I kind of thought the porn was our problem, turns out he has always had a low libido even when he doesn’t watch porn.

    We were sexually active before the wedding. (I know, I’ll probably upset some people by admitting that but I have to be honest). Before the wedding, he seemed to care very much about my orgasm. Before the wedding, he was eager and excited to be with me sexually. Before the wedding he even asked to give me oral several times.
    The wedding night was the first time I remember being disappointed by sex with him. He just didn’t seem interested. And it just got progressively worse. By the time we had been married 6 months he no longer initiated sex and he told me that he hated giving oral sex so that was the end of that.

    We found out we were pregnant a month after the wedding and that made me want him even more. The idea that he had given me a child, he had made me a mother. I loved him even more for such a wonderful gift. My children are amazing and I have on several occasions told my husband “thank you for making me a mom” because I am appreciative and I think he should know that. Many men wouldn’t work as hard as my husband does to support their wives staying home to raise their children. The fact that my husband works so hard to provide for our family makes me all the more attracted to him.
    Parenthood seems to have had the opposite effect on him. After children, his already low libido, crashed even lower.

    As for when I used to “rape” him, he would finish in me. He would act as if I was annoying him the entire time but he would still finish inside of me. Basically he just laid there. When he orgasmed, he would grunt a little, his head may raise off the pillow for a split second, then he would go back to laying there motionless and expressionless.
    I did it because he didn’t tell me no…after I realized he wasn’t going to “get into it” I realized what I was doing was wrong and I apologized to him. He said he didn’t care. He didn’t see it as rape, he just felt annoyed. But I still felt what I was doing was wrong so I don’t do it anymore.

    • Huh. I wonder what becoming married, had to do with him losing his sex drive. Or at least his sex drive for you?! I mean I know there is a certain amount of excitement that comes from doing the “forbidden” thing before your married, but I just don’t get how it would have totally been a wet blanket on him .

      • Sometimes I think it is a case of he “only wants what he can’t have.”

        He knows all he has to do is ask and I’ll jump up to please him. No challenge in that.
        I used to try to play hard to get but there were two problems with that:
        1- I hate playing games, I’m a grown woman, I should be able to just be honest with my husband rather than pretending I don’t want him
        2- even when I play hard to get, he is only interested up until a certain point. He is eager to be kind to me and he can even be flirtatious, but once the kids are in bed for the night and he knows I won’t say “no” -thats when the game is over and he has lost interest.

        • livinginblurredlines
        • July 17th, 2013

        Maybe that’s the draw porn had for him…it’s all stuff he can’t have, so it excited him.

        Hubby and I had a big talk and now he’ll let me take the time I need to have an orgasm. Half the time, I don’t even bother because it’s basically me using him as a dildo while I self-stimulate. He doesn’t get into it much and mostly just lays there looking around the room or closes his eyes and looks like he doesn’t even want to be there.
        He told me he gets bored. It takes me a while because there’s not much warm up for sex. Foreplay is rare and I’m cautious to get aroused because I never know when he’s just going to use me, or ignore me, or fall asleep.

        It is incredibly mind boggling. Sex is just so wonderful! Why throw such a gift back in God’s face?!

    • L
    • July 20th, 2013

    I really feel for these women. I agree with your comment above that the excitement of the forbidden highly influences our sex lives. Before marriage, sexual access to the the girlfriend (later wife) is forbidden, therefore exciting. After she’s his wife, that excitement is gone. He’s expected to be emotionally invested, too, and that’s the rub. These guys don’t know how or cannot be intimate so they avoid except for sex, which leaves the wife feeling used and confused. Also, I don’t think a person can view any porn, even once, without it having a harmful effect on their personal sex life. If “suzyhomeschooler’s” husband has been into porn, it has affected his view of both women and sex. He probably feels guilty so therefore avoids sex with his wife. As for “livinginblurredlines” who said Obviously this man still has quite a sex drive but instead of being a healthy man and focusing that drive towards his wife and their togetherness he is selfish and focuses only on himself and his own pleasure/release, probably because of 1) feelings of guilt for viewing porn, 2) sex has become something ‘forbidden’ so he does it only with himself (because he DOES still have a drive), 3) viewing porn has skewed his view of women in general and his wife specifically- maybe he can’t separate how he views the on-screen women and his own wife; he knows he should love and care for her but, because of his tainted ‘view’ it feels safer to avoid her. Just my thoughts. For us, before we married we were committed to not having ‘sex.’ We thought sex meant intercourse.I didn’t see manual stimulation as sex until much later. For the most part my husband still considers anything less than intercourse as not sex. Therefore, for him, sex is mostly about ‘insert tab A into slot B’ thus, for many years I was sexually unfulfilled (not to mention unfulfilled relationally!). We have been married over 30 years and only in the last few years has he shown any interest in my pleasure. I think part of it is, he didn’t know what to do and didn’t want any ‘help’ from me. I think he’s very insecure sexually but is not willing to learn anything. After a season of sometimes avoiding him because it was always all about him and I felt used, for the last 15 years he’s been a refuser and now an avoider. I think everything he ‘learned’ about sex came from boyhood friends or girly magazines, neither of which are accurate or healthy sources.He’s seen a couple of porn films, too. When we’re having sex he will look at my body but refuses to look me in the eyes. Recently I suggested working through “31 Days to Great Sex.” He was reluctant and we ended up having too many arguments. He just wanted to do the ‘exercises’ and not the mental/emotional work. I think the entirety of blogs on “why women refuse or avoid/gatekeep” can be summed up in what ‘livinginblurredlines’ husband said: ““You always want to make love. I just want sex.” ” These men want all the perks of an exciting sexual release without any of the relational aspects. In other words, they want a prostitute, not a wife.
    I believe women were created to be every bit as sexual as men. We just have different needs ‘get there’ which, for men, seem to present themselves as problems to avoid rather than an avenue of learning and enrichment that builds togetherness. I’m praying that both men and women can find personal healing and therefore healing in their marriages and sex lives.

    • livinginblurredlines
    • July 20th, 2013

    L, you nailed it. My husband doesn’t want a wife. He wants a prostitute, a maid, a nanny, a buddy, but not a wife. He complained about the way I “work” in the marriage bed and I explained to him that that is just how God made women…too, in general, take a little longer, need more warming up, need clitoral stimulation, rather than just tab A in slot B. He basically returned with the accusation that God’s design of women is flawed and women should have been made more like men to make it easier on men. That leaves me pretty hopeless.

    When we had another talk about his not wanting to give me pleasure and even stealing pleasure from me by refusing me and choosing to solo masturbate in secret, he said, “fine, I’ll stop (masturbating while at home). Why are you still crying?” I said, “because your heart hasn’t changed.” And it hasn’t, really. While, I’m 90% sure he’s not masturbating at home, he’s doing the bare minimum in the marriage bed for my pleasure, which is basically allowing me the time it takes to self-stimulate during intercourse. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, for once, I’d love to feel like I mean more to him than he does to himself.

      • L
      • July 21st, 2013

      @livinginblurredlines: I will be praying for you. I, too, have been in the ‘hopeless’ place and still find myself there at times. God has graciously shown me that, in spite of what my husband tried to convince me, our problems are not all mine nor have they all been caused by me. But, until he is able and willing to look at himself and why he acts as he does and what he brings to the messy table, there is little I can do other than work on myself. Trying to change someone else doesn’t work (believe me, I tried) and trying to change a marriage or sexual relationship alone only goes so far. You can drive yourself nuts trying. I am praying that God raises up husbands and wives in the church who love each other, love men and women and marriage, who are willing to stick out their collective necks and do the hard work of helping others who need help in their marriages. We’ve had two or three couples who ‘tried’ to help but either soon have up or didn’t want to get too involved. The sexual issues NEVER came up. Now, that is pretty telling of where the church stands on sex in marriage! So, do your best to find your own support system and go from there. Know that you are loved, God DOES see how you are treated and your husband will ultimately be accountable. Your husband is probably hurting, too. I don’t think these men hurt their wives deliberately. I think they are hurt, are in bondage and maybe are too prideful and too ignorant of the consequences or their actions to ask for help.I know it hurts beyond what we think we can bear to be rejected or sneered at, for our needs to be ignored, to be overlooked and taken for granted. Praying you take all your cares and desires to the Lord and that He sustain you. Let us call upon Him who is able to do all things…even give us supernatural love for our husbands who hurt us.

    • @livingblurredlines If you don’t mind me appearing in this part of the conversation thread here’s a little bit of encouragement I’d like to give you! Give it all to JESUS He will make a way for you! When things are beyond our control, only GOD can change it. Do you pray for your husband often? Do you spend time each day to ask Him for transformation and change? How often do you appreciate your husband? Do you know his love language and tried to ‘feed’ him there? Maybe you also need to ask the Lord to help you love him the way he would comprehend and want to be loved if you haven’t. Ultimately, have faith that the Lord is in control. Your job is to trust Him, pray, do steps as He leads and do these things in faith. All is well 🙂 You are loved and I am sure you’re a wonderful wife to him! God sees all that and that’s all that really matters. GOD bless you!

    • Al
    • January 16th, 2014

    I am a husband and I think these are GREAT ideas!!!!!! I would be beside myself if this would happen in my house!

  5. Reblogged this on example9542 and commented:
    Wow Gerad ! You have hit fhe nail on the head on this one. Any bloke would be floored by any these tricks if they were to be performed by their wives. Only problem is getting ones wife to read these blogs. I have tried just about tried everything.( email, printed and left them lying around. Asked questions. But still nothing. Any suggestions???

    • Yeah, that’s a hard battle. If she feels like you’re attacking her by sending her a blog post it’s not going to go over well….

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