Sex; It’s NOT just about YOU.

This is another “most popular” post from 2012…

As guys, we think sex is pretty awesome. In fact, we’d probably have a hard time thinking of something that we like doing more.

But how long has it been since we took  a hard look at what we’re doing to make sex just as enjoyable for our wives? Whether we’d like to admit it or not, we can get a little selfish in this area if we’re not careful. Part of being the husband God intended you to be, is MAKING SURE that you’re doing everything in your power to ensure your wife is reaching climax (if she desires one – more about that later), and that you are asking her what she likes, what feels good, what things she would like to try, what positions she likes best, etc. So often without even realizing it, us guys tend to do what feels good to us, without taking the time to even ask her what would make it better for her. If we want our wives to be as excited about making love as we are most of the time, I think it would be wise on our part to constantly be working on the following things –

The “Big O” – If you haven’t figured it out by now, women take a whole lot longer to “warm up” sexually, than us guys do. Think of it as a microwave vs. a crock pot. While men can be “ready to go” at the drop of a hat (or panties), and able to climax within a few minutes, most of our wives need some time to get there mentally, before the arousal process can even start. Now here’s the other thing guys –

there are times that our wives are totally happy with having intercourse without having an orgasm. This makes about as much sense to us guys as mowing the lawn without turning the lawn mower on, but it’s true.

Remember, sex is not all about the physical act to them. There is a lot of emotional connecting going on during sex for women too. That said, if she DOES desire to have an orgasm, we need to make sure that we are taking the time to slow down and help her get there. Since most of the time it’s hard for women to climax through penetration alone, this means we need to be ready to help her with our hands, or orally. Also – don’t get in such a hurry to start the “main event” that you make her feel pressured to “hurry up and make it happen already!” or make her think she’s “taking to long“. This will only make things worse. If you are having a hard time finding the right spot or speed, have your wife show you with her hand what feels good. Then try to simulate that. Communication is the key here. Don’t be too shy to ask her what she wants you to do. We’d like to think we are natural “masters” as satisfying our wives in bed, but most times there are things she wishes we would do, and if we’re too proud/shy to ask, we’ll never get any better. 

Vibrators/Toys – There are lots of different opinions out there on whether or not sex toys/aids are good/ok to use in the marriage bed. I’m not going to get into all that in this post. What I am going to do is give you what has worked for us, and then you can make the judgement for yourselves on what works/is appropriate for you.  What we’ve found with 3 small kids, and not always having a large amount of time to have “gourmet sex” every time, is while my wife may be interested/up for sex, the idea of spending enough time for her to become fully aroused, and able to climax manually, is somewhat daunting after a long day with the kids and 10pm approaching rapidly. So, after our first child was born, we decided to look for something to help her be able to “speed up the process” a little for those times when we wanted to enjoy each other sexually, but didn’t have time/energy for the “4 course meal” version of sex. We wanted something that could be used during penetration, but wanted to be careful because we found some medical articles with evidence that long-term use of a vibrator can damage the nerve endings of the clitoris and make it harder for a woman to orgasm without it. So, after quite a bit of research, we found something that doesn’t vibrate, but instead “oscillates” (moves rapidly in a “back and forth” motion) that we really like, and is nice to have when she desires to climax, but may not have a lot of time. Do we always use it when we make love? No. Is it nice to have something that helps her climax much faster when she desires it, but we don’t have a lot of time? Very. I feel that there are times our wives may say “no”  to sex on any given night, due to the pressure they feel from us (spoken or unspoken) to have an orgasm. If they are on the fence already about having sex (long day, tired, etc), the thought of having to spend 20 minutes to “get herself there” may just be the push she needs to say “not tonight”, because it seems like such a daunting task after a long day. This gives her an option where she can still climax and enjoy sexual time with her husband, but not be discouraged, and in turn distracted, because it’s “talking so long”. (Note: If you would like to know what we use,  drop me an email, and we’d be glad to share with you what we found that has helped us. Believe it or not, there are still some things even marriage bloggers don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public blog post 😉 )

Lube up! – Another thing that can make sex less enjoyable, or even downright painful for your wife is lack of lubrication. If we rush right through the foreplay, and within a couple of minutes, try to enter her, odds are, she’s not going to magically be wet and ready to go. Remember the crock pot analogy? She needs some time to warm up! Without using any kind of lube, a woman needs between 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay (of course all women are different, but in general) to become  naturally lubricated enough for intercourse. What’s the moral to the story here? Get a bottle of good lube and keep it handy! The best one we have found (hands down) is the “Pjur Eros Original Body Glide Lube”, found on Amazon.com or most other sexual aid sites. It doesn’t dry up, doesn’t make a huge mess, and lasts for a long time. We have been through a lot of different brands/formulas, but always come running back to this one. Oh, and still not convinced you need lube? Try having your wife manually stimulate you without using any – it’s funny how fast you will change your mind.

What has worked in the past, may not work now – If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will: You’re in bed, doing that thing that you know is always a “home run” in the “what I like in bed” category for your wife. At some point you look up however, to see a “less than thrilled”  or even a *gasp!* bored look on her face. You panic, wondering what in the world am I doing wrong? Relax! You’re not doing anything wrong. This is a really hard one for us guys to grasp sense for us it’s a “one movement fits all” thing, but for our wives it all can change due to pregnancy, time of the month, or sometimes I wonder – the color of the sky that day. (That was a joke) The thing to remember is DON’T get discouraged, or think you’ve lost your touch. Let her talk you through what now feels better, and don’t take it personally. Too often we take any form of rejection in bed (no matter how small), as an attack on us. It’s not.

Be a “student” of your Wife – I mentioned a little bit of this above, but what I’m trying to get at is always be looking for ways you can improve at pleasing her in the bedroom. Don’t settle for “good enough” and stop there. Doesn’t matter if you’re a new husband and don’t have a clue, or a husband that’s been married 40 years, there’s always room to get better! Don’t become complacent!

Don’t be afraid to laugh together! – As guys, we look at things in life as “tasks”. We need to get something done, so we form a plan on the best way to accomplish it, what we need to buy, what tools we need, etc. We know that if we have the “right tools” for the job, and a good plan, we will succeed. We “can’t fail” if we plan carefully (or so we try to convince ourselves). Here in lies the problem: If we try to transfer that attitude to the bedroom, we end up becoming frustrated if we’re doing something during lovemaking, and it’s not working like it was “supposed to”. This leads to an uneasy tension, and that is NOT good in what was supposed to be a time of connection between husband and wife. At this point we’ve lost the whole point. If something doesn’t work, LAUGH a little! This is supposed to be fun remember? We get so lost in “it has to happen this way”, that we lose sight of what we’re really supposed to be accomplishing overall. Sex is one of the greatest gifts God has given a married couple. Let’s make sure we are being patient, and helping our brides get the pleasure that God created her to get out of it. So get out there and get to work husbands! This is not exactly the worst job you’ve ever been given. 😉

  1. It is amazing how many men still don’t take the time to “read” their wives…and then frequently reread them. Great article.

  2. Great points and insights – helpful to wives too.

    • Tom
    • January 14th, 2014

    I’d like to know to what vibrator / toy you are referring in your post. We’ve used the Lelo Tiani but I find it irritating. Others like the Lelo Siri are big and get in the way during couples play and intercourse. Your advice is appreciated.

    Tom

    • jkosborn4
    • January 20th, 2014

    My wife is sensitive to many chemicals. Finding out about the wonders of coconut oil really changed things around for us.

  1. January 17th, 2014

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