Wives: 10 Ways to Put a Big Goofy Grin on Your Husband’s Face

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Ok wives, let’s face it – your husband thinks a bit differently than you do about sex. I’m sure there has been a time or two when your husband tells you something about what he would like to do sexually, and you’ve  looked at him with that “he just said what?” look your face and said “You want to do what again?”

Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. We are kind of strange at times, and that’s the whole point of this post. How are you supposed to think like your husband about sex, when you’re NOT a guy?

Well, that’s where this little list comes in! But first a couple of things to get out of the way:

1. This list is like a “one size fits most” hat. It will probably fit your husband, but there are always those guys with really big or small heads. Use what you can from it, ignore the rest.

2. This is not a list like you find in Redbook in one of their “10 ways to please your man” lists. It does not require you to order a topless Mrs. Claus suit. Rather, this is a list for the regular, everyday husband, who adores his wife,  probably has a few young kiddos running around, and is wondering if there will ever be time for a sex life again.

“Ten ways to put a big goofy grin on your husband’s face” (without having to buy a topless Mrs Claus suit):

– After the kids go to bed one night, tell him you’re declaring it a “topless movie night”, and no one is allowed to wear shirts. (Odds are, he won’t remember much of the plot of the movie, but he’ll be in 7th heaven)

– Send him a picture of one of your “for his eyes only” parts, via text or email (or using a couples app like Avocado, or Couple), with a message like “Later” attached. He will think about it all day.

– When you sit down on the couch with him to watch tv after the kids go down, wear a skirt, sit at the end of the couch with your feet facing him, and “forget” to wear panties. See how long it takes him to notice.

– When you’re somewhere simi-private with him, let your hand slowly run over his (ahem) and tell him “I can’t wait until we go to bed later”

– When you’re getting dressed in the morning, say “hey hon, can you come pick the panties you want me to wear today, and then take off of me tonight? I’m not sure which ones to wear”

– Join him in the shower one morning out of the blue, when he left you in bed “sleeping”. Ask him if you can help him wash those hard to reach areas. He won’t mind being late for work that morning. 

– Set your alarm a little earlier than his, and find “creative ways” to wake him up. I’m not going to expound on that one. 

– After the kids are in bed, go into your bedroom saying you’re going to change into your PJ’s. Come out completely naked, and sit down by him like there’s nothing up. Maybe grab a magazine and start thumbing through it like everything’s normal. Oh, and make sure you help him pick his jaw up off the floor. You may need it later. 😉

– When you’re riding in the car together (not driving), text him with an explanation of what you’d like to do to him later when you get home. 

– If he’s leaving on a business trip, or has to be away for a few days, make him a “private video” for him to watch when he calls you later that night. Just be sure he has a way to hide it on his phone (Audio Manager on Android platform is a great app for this). Might not be a great one to accidentally come up during a business presentation. 

– During a dinner out, or trip to the store, lean over and whisper to him that you’re not wearing any panties. Just be prepared to get home a little sooner than you may have intended. 

So there you go! a few things you can do to completely floor your hubby, and make him wonder how the heck you know exactly how to drive him wild all the time. Have fun, and remember, these are just ideas. You know your husband’s likes/desires more than anyone, so  make sure you tailor them to fit your guy. However you adjust them though, you can make sure that he won’t be able to get that goofy grin off of his face for a while. 😉

The Danger of Silence.

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It continues to amaze me at how long it takes me to learn certain things about my marriage. Things that after I discover them, seem so simple. I guess that’s why I write about them when I stumble across them – hoping that I’m not the last person on earth to figure them out. Here’s the latest one I’ve “discovered”.

A couple of weeks ago, Val and I were feeling disconnected. Nothing huge was wrong, and by all outside appearances, we looked fine. Maybe a little crabby towards each other, but nothing anybody would notice. If you didn’t know us very well, you would think everything was great. We were still giving little pecks on the lips before bed, putting on a fake smile throughout the day, and doing a great job of being roommates. We both knew something was wrong, but we couldn’t really pin point what IT, was.

This went on for about a week, until we ended up having what we like to call a “forced date night” (Grandparents came over, took the kids, and told us to get out of here). While we were at dinner, I said “ok, I what’s wrong with us lately? I don’t know what it is, but I hate it.” My wife said “I don’t know, but I don’t like it either”. After talking through it, you wanna know what the whole problem was?! (I know you’re on the edge of your seat) It all came down to one thing:

We were both expecting the other person to meet an unspoken need/desire that each of us had. 

At some point we had both been slightly offended that the other one hadn’t met an unspoken “need” that we had earlier that week, and it was a need which seemed really obvious to us, but had not been noticed at all by the other person. And instead of just saying “hey hon, I really need you to (insert need)”, we decided to get a little attitude about it and pull a “well fine then, I guess I don’t matter very much to him/her if they can’t see what I pretty obviously need! I’m just going to wait, and let him/her figure it out. They can’t be that oblivious”. And so it went for a week or so. Both of us getting a little more irked as each day went on, but refusing to say anything, or ask, due to what really came down to our pride. We both wanted the other person to “get a clue” and “do what he/she is supposed to do” or basically “figure out what is so darn obvious!”. And because neither of us ended up being very good mind readers, we were resenting each other. Yeah, pretty stupid huh?

Let me sum it up this way –

Your spouse has NO IDEA what your thinking, or what you may need (most of the time), unless you tell them. 

Why do we get the idea that just because our spouse has been married to us for “x amount of years”, they suddenly become mind readers? And I can hear you saying “well yeah, but come on! He/she has to have some sort of idea on what I need/like/desire after being around me all that time!”. Yes, it’s true that you probably know your husband/wife more than maybe anyone else on the planet, but even so, how are they to know what you need at any given time, if you don’t even ask?!

There are so many times I hear comments from couples like “Well, he had better figure it out that I need a date night once a week”, or “She’s gotta know I need sex 3 or 4 times a week! How hard is that to figure out?” And so we go through our marriages, disappointed that the other person isn’t “doing what they’re supposed to do”, but yet refusing to calmly sit down with them, and say “hey honey, I know you’ve been really busy lately, but I would really like to (insert need). Would you help me with this?”

Wouldn’t that be so much simpler?! What an amazing idea – actually ASK for things we need our spouse to do for us. Not just hope and pray that can play “mind pictionary”, and guess what we need.

What if on a daily basis, we went to each other and said something like “hey hon, I’m just checking in to see what you need today” and doing it with a servant’s heart – really WANTING to give the other person what they needed to feel loved, cared for, and important? Would that be so hard? Not at all. But for some reason it seems strange, because we go back to that old “oh come on, he/she shouldn’t have to be told what I need, they should just know” garbage. Well, let me let you in on a little secret: IT DOESN’T WORK. Take it from me, the idiot who has tried it for years – you’d be more productive going outside, sitting on your deck, and waiting for the moon to turn purple.

So, for us, from that date night on, we promised each other that we wouldn’t do the “guessing game” anymore, and that if we needed something, we would try to be better at laying down our pride, and simply asking. For some reason we get this idea that our spouses are sitting there going “nope! I’m not going to give him what he/she needs!”, When in reality, they wouldn’t mind at all, and most likely would love to – if they could only read your mind.

Sex After Kids – Survey RESULTS are in!

We had almost 200 responses to our “Sex After Kids” survey. Thanks for getting the word out! Here are the results, I’ll let them speak for themselves for now, and then do some follow-up posts later.

Without further ado, here is the .PDF with the results – 

 

Sex After Kids Survey

Five Things Your “High Drive Spouse” May Never Tell You –

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In most marriages, there is a “higher drive spouse” (HDS) and a “lower drive spouse” (LDS). If this doesn’t apply to your marriage, you can safely disregard this post.

In most cases, the Husband is the HDS, and the wife is the LDS, but this is becoming more and more not the case. A great resource for wives who are the HDS, is  “Spice & Love – A Higher Drive Wife”. Because of this, I’m going to avoid addressing the issue as just one applying to husbands, and address it in general. 

In our marriage, we were pretty typical; for the first year or so, our sex drives were pretty well matched. Most times I initiated, and she was more often than not, very willing to go along.

Then came the kids, and all the “distractions” that come with both pregnancy, and taking care of the little life that is now your responsibility to feed, clothe, and diaper. It was during the 2nd and 3rd year of our marriage, when the bedroom started to be much more of a place to fall into bed and sleep, then a place to have fun together sexually. It took a lot of give on both sides, and keeping the lines of communication open, to get back to where we are today.

But knowing how it feels doesn’t do anybody any good, unless we use that knowledge to help our LDS (husband or wife) understand. That’s what it took in our marriage, to turn things around. My wife had no clue what sex meant to me, and how it was so much more than “just the act” to me, until I sat her down, and lovingly explained how I felt, and poured out my heart to her about the hurt I was feeling from her constant rejection sexually.

So that’s what I want to do with this post. I want to offer the LDS a peak inside the mind of their HDS spouse, without even having to get off the couch (or computer, or whatever you’re reading this thing on). 😉

Five things your “high drive spouse” may never tell you – 

  • It’s part of who we are – As a HDS we need sex and lots of physical touch to feel loved. What does this mean to you? Well, let’s say you do EVERYTHING you can think of for us, that YOU would think shows us that you love us (cooking meals, cleaning the house, working on the lawn, caring for the house, etc, etc, etc) – we will still not feel loved without you being sexually open to us. It just doesn’t work. It’s like trying to put everything BUT gas in a car to make it run. It’s not going to work. We CRAVE the sexual relationship with our spouse, and without it, we feel unloved, un-cared for, and un-important.
  • We can’t just “turn it off” – I know as the LDS, it’s hard to understand this, but for us HD spouses, it’s a constant thing on our mind. It may not always be on the front burner, but it’s always there somewhere. Even if we just had sex, within a few hours, the thoughts like “I wonder when he/she’s going to want me again”, or “how long until I can convince him/her to love me like this again”, start to creep into our heads. We start to wonder if we’re “freaks” or  if there is something wrong with us, because you seem to not (or very rarely) ever NEED it like we do. That’s why we get so frustrated when you exclaim things like “that’s all you ever think about” or “just turn it off!”, because we don’t know how, and it makes us angry that we can’t.
  • The pain of “NO” becomes too hard to hear after a while – When a HDS asks their spouse for sex, it’s a HUGE thing to us. We usually have thought about asking, and what would be the best way, or what would go over the best, or what kind of mood you’re in, or how you may react – for a long time before we ask. It may have also taken us a while to get up the nerve to finally ask. So when we finally do, and you either brush it off, or roll your eyes, or give us a “oh come on, really?”, it hits us pretty deep. We of course don’t admit this most times, and try to make a half-hearted attempt at turning it into a “oh, it’s ok hon, if you’re not into it right now, don’t worry about it”, or something like that, but it hurts. We feel like we just put a very intimate part of ourselves out there, and you stomped on it. After a long period of “not tonight” responses, we tend to stop asking. Not because we don’t long to be with you, but because the pain of being rejected – yet again – hurts too much. To us it’s like burning your finger on a hot pan, and then going back the next day, and doing it again. After a while, it’s just worth it.
  • We don’t expect you to be us, we just want you to be “naked and smiling” – We understand you don’t have the drive that we do. We understand you’re not going to be raring to go at all hours of the day and night. We get that, and we’re fine with it! What we’re trying to ask for, and most times do a lousy time explaining, is we just want you to ACCEPT us for who we are. We already feel like there’s something “wrong with us” for wanting to have it 3 or 4 times a week, and you constantly telling us to “go take a cold shower”, or rolling your eyes like “are you kidding me?” makes us feel that way even more. There was a time where I started to hate my sex drive. I even looked for ways to get rid of it. I thought “if I can just get rid of this, we’d never argue about anything!”. But what we found out is that God created ME to have that drive, and have the not-so-fun-job of being the one that makes sure we don’t go to long without sex, a that we keep that connection, that the LDS doesn’t realize they want/need as much/bad as the HDS, but just don’t have the feelings to do so, without a little “un-burying” of those thoughts from the pile of other things that may still be on your mind from the rest of the day. That’s why if you as the LDS could just make enough effort at the start, to be “naked and smiling”, even if you may not even feel like sex at the moment, you’re showing us that you care about us, and love us enough as our wife/husband to say “I don’t really need it right now, but I realize that you do, and I’m the only one that can legitimately meet this need for you, and so I’m not going to only do it, but smile while I do.” There’s nothing that drives a HDS more batty, and hurts him/her more, then when you are perfectly able (not sick, pregnant, headache, flu, etc) to meet our need, but refuse to do so for no reason. It feels like you are just dangling a treat in front of our nose, and then putting it back in the drawer and saying “nope, maybe tomorrow”. Ouch! And did I mention super frustrating to a HDS? We just need you to be ok with who we are. We need you to love who we are. We’re ok with you saying “honey, I love you and I’ll do whatever you need, but I just can’t get crazy into it tonight”. That still says “I love and accept you”. What hurts is the refusal to love us for who we are.
  • Meeting a sexual need, doesn’t always mean intercourse – Please don’t misunderstand us here, if we’re asking for you to connect sexually with us, it doesn’t always have to mean full-blown intercourse. It can be as simple as rolling over with a smile on your face and saying “sounds like you need something taken care of” and helping us manually, or something to that effect. That does a TON for the HDS, when he/she is wanting to be intimate, but time/desire/energy just isn’t there at the time from the LDS. Don’t expect it to lessen the desire the next day to “fully connect” with you, but it goes a HUGE way in the heart of the HDS in showing him/her you love her, and understand his/her need – and while giving you some time to fully wrap your head around sex the next day.

Hey, you made it all the way to the end alive! Hopefully you’re not thinking you’re married to a complete wierdo after this, but instead have some sort of idea where your HDS is coming from.

What say you? 

 

Sex in Marriage; Are we REALLY willing to work on it?

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Last week I put out the “Sex after kids survey” (head on over and take it if you haven’t, then come back), and while the results are still rolling in (we’ll post the full results in a couple of weeks), there are a few things that are proving overwhelmingly obvious already.

The first thing is when asked “what are the biggest issues in your sex life?” The three biggest responses by large margins are currently (in order from biggest to smallest) “tired”, “frequency”, and “don’t feel my spouse wants to work on it”.

Also, when asked what the current state of their sex lives were, the large majority of people respond “it’s just ok,  I think it could be a lot better if we worked at it more”.

I don’t know about you, but all that sure starts to sound familiar. Basically, what’s being said is “we would have a better sex life if we would work on in, and the number one reason we don’t, is we’re too tired.”

Let me put this another way. So most couples want a better sexual relationship. Most couples feel it could be better if they worked on it. And most couples would do so, if they weren’t so tired. Huh. Go ahead and read that again. I’ll wait. Got it? Ok good, so in general, the biggest obstacle to enjoying the sex life with your spouse that God designed you to have, and you deeply desire (even if you don’t realize it), is that we pack so much into our day, that we are too exhausted to invest in our marriage? Yeah, that really makes sense.

My dad always told me “you probably shouldn’t complain about something you’re not willing to work on. I didn’t like it as a kid, and I don’t really like it as an adult, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

I guess what I’m saying, is that sometimes we don’t really like where we are in our marriage, but we don’t dislike it ENOUGH, to actually WORK on it. This is especially true with our sex lives. We convince ourselves “it’s too much work” to talk about it, and re-hash the “same argument” that always ends the same way (or so we say).

Or if it’s just “being tired” that is holding you back, maybe it’s time to take a serious look at the ol’ day planner, and figure out how big of a priority your marriage really is. Does it come before golf, or video games, or working on the yard, or the house, or hanging out with your buddies, or (insert your own blank)? Maybe it’s time to readjust your schedule a bit as to not leave you totally drained when your finally get around to seeing your spouse.

Sorry if this is harsh, but believe me, I’m talking to myself here – maybe it’s time to “put up or shut up” when it comes to taking responsibility for your marriage, and sex life. If you don’t like where your sex life is right now, are you working on it? Are you taking steps to communicate, and improve?  Or is it easier to just keep channel surfing?

Maintaining a sex life after kids: Take the Survey

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Maintaining a sex life after those little beings called “kids” show up, can be quite a challenge! 😉

Will you take a few minutes to complete our latest survey on this topic? This survey is for both HUSBANDS and WIVES, and it is totally anonymous. 

We will post the results after a few weeks. 

Thanks for your help, and feel free to share this with your friends! The more that take it, the better picture we’ll get.

CLICK HERE to take the survey! 

Funny Honeymoon Stories –

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My wife and I will be celebrating 8 years of marriage coming up on May 14th. In some ways it feels like it’s been a lot longer, and in some ways it seems like just yesterday she walked down that aisle towards me to start our life together.

We got married in a small lake town in Oregon called Wallowa Lake. It had always been a special place to us as kids, as both our families would vacation there, and there are a lot of memories for us growing up as kids. Anyway, we got married there, honeymooned there, and are headed back there for our anniversary this year. We were talking about our upcoming trip the other day, and it reminded us of our honeymoon, and the funny things that made it “memorable” 8 years ago. For example –

We rented a pretty nice two-story “cabin” for our honeymoon, and it was by no means a “rustic” kitchen, but for some reason we had a hard time in the “cooking meals” department. The first “incident” was our first night there. We knew we were going to be tired and want something quick to prepare after the wedding and all the stress of preparing for the big day, so we brought one of those DiGorno pizzas from home to just be able to throw in the oven. Well, Val put it in the oven while I was taking a shower or something, and somehow she didn’t get the circle of cardboard off of the bottom of the pizza, before she stuck it in the oven. As you can imagine, about 7 minutes later as the smoke alarm was going off in the background, I asked “what in the world is burning?” We looked in the oven, and the cardboard was just starting to smolder and start to flame up a bit. We quickly got it out, and threw the cardboard into the sink to douse the fire. That was our first “cooking adventure”.

Adventure #2 was on the second day, when we decided to use the BBQ at the cabin to cook some steaks we had bought. This was all fine and dandy, except for the fact that I was used to cooking on a GAS grill, not a charcoal grill. But being the “man of the house” now, I was sure I could remember how my dad used to do it, and I’d show my new wife that I was a grill expert.

So, I went down to the deck and found an old bag of  briquettes that somebody had left from whoever had stayed there before, and began to build a pyramid in the bottom of the BBQ like I remembered my Dad doing. Once I had a pretty decent sized pile, I put a good dose of lighter fluid over all of them, and lit it. With a small “whoosh” it lit up, and I was on my way. Or so I thought.

About 15 minutes later, I brought the steaks down and proceeded to spread out the  briquettes in the bottom of the BBQ, just like dad used to, and put the steaks on the grill. It didn’t seem as hot as I remembered when I was a kid, but oh well I thought, it must just take a little bit longer to heat up.

I set up a lawn chair by the BBQ to keep an eye on the steaks. After about 10 minutes, I checked them, and while they were starting to cook, it had barely even seared the meat on the side facing the coals. Huh. Well, it must just take longer than gas, I thought. Another ten minutes go by, and I checked them again. Still, not much cooking going on. By now my wife is asking if the steaks are almost ready, because the rest of the food is getting close. I proceed to tell her that the BBQ seems to be “broken”, and we are going to have to cook them in a fry pan on the stove. I’m really frustrated at this point, and I grab the steaks off the still luke warm grill, and go upstairs to the kitchen.

Fast forward to about an hour later, after we had finished eating dinner, I went back down to the BBQ to clean it up and put it away. I opened the lid to scrape the grill, and to my surprise the coals were white-hot, and ready to cook an elephant. Turns out I was a little quick on the draw to start cooking.

At the time we didn’t see this stuff as very funny, but now as we look back, stories like this are some of the things we remember most about our honeymoon. (Or at least the memories that I can put in a blog…lol).

I think it’s good to stop and remember the good times you’ve had together. The times that you’ve laughed together. The times you’ve had fun as a couple. There are times for me when life get’s so busy and filled up with work, kids, dinner, dishes, bed, and repeat – that we forget to laugh with each other. We forget how much FUN having FUN with your spouse is. Even if it doesn’t seem great or fun at the time. May we not forget that when life seems to get a little “same old same old”.

Ok, so now it’s your turn. What are some funny memories from your honeymoon? Things that didn’t quite go as planned, or as expected? From your first night together, to finding out your new husband/wife snores so loud,  you couldn’t sleep, to starting the kitchen stove on fire – let’s hear em’!