Posts Tagged ‘ help ’

Her Period and You – A few Survival Tips



Re-posted from a previous post…..

Yes, I’m going where few men dare to go. Believe me, it took some time to talk myself into doing this post, but here I am. Now why would a guy do a blog post about a woman’s period? Well, because if you’re married (and I’m assuming you are if you’re reading my blog), let’s just say your wife’s period tends to “effect” you also (like causing you to hide in the garage for 3 or 4 days). So, what is it about that time of the month that strikes fear into the most hardened “manly men”? It could be the thought of your wife turning into an irrational, irritable ball of emotions, but I think it’s mostly because we don’t understand itAt all. So in the interest of being a “student of our wives”, let’s delve into this “terrifying subject” that few men are brave enough to think about – let alone address – and see if we can’t learn how to at least support her through it, and not lose our minds in the process. Ready? (Um, why are you still hiding behind that chair? You realize I can see you right?) Here goes…

Now obviously I don’t know ANYTHING first hand about periods, but my wife sure does, and after a few years of dreading that time each month, I decided to actually ask her some questions about how she feels during “that time”, and what I could do to help her get through them better, and with less frustration aimed at me. Here’s what I found out – They don’t like them either – You think you’re wife’s period is hard on you? Try being the one going through it! Without mentioning the obvious effects, there’s the bloating, cramping, back pain, and need we mention being the passenger on the runaway rollercoaster of emotions that they can’t find a way off of? Doesn’t sound like something I’d volunteer for.

Don’t run the other way – I know this is like saying to “run towards the house fire, not away”, but understand this – most times when they are “going off” about some little thing, and acting like it’s this HUGE issue, it all comes down to a self-esteem thing. Right now their hormones have them feeling like they aren’t doing well at anything, and everything they do is failing or not working right. So your wife yelling at you about putting one white sock in the dark load of laundry, is really her saying that she is upset at herself that she didn’t get the laundry done, and you had to help with it. I know, you might have you read that last sentence again, but according to my lovely wife, that is how they feel. A normal man’s response to this would be to either blow up back at her, or go “whatever” and try to stay away from her as much as possible. Here’s where we mess up though! Instead – what she needs is for you to go up to her and put your arms around her and say something like “it’s ok hon, I love you”. Remember, her acting out is her insecurity about the issue, so what she needs from you is to re-assure her, and tell her that it’s going to be ok. Now I can hear you saying “are you crazy?! You want me to go up to my wife who is currently yelling at me about the smallest issue, and give her a hug?” Yes I am! I KNOW it’s crazy hard to do, but this is marriage, remember? This isn’t a walk in the park. She knows she’s being irrational and making no sense at all, but right now it’s how she is crying out for you to reassure her. If you run the other way, it’s just going to make it worse.

Realize she’s not herself right now – This is a big one for us guys. As guys we tend to take every thing literally, regardless of what time of the month it is. So when your wife says something like “I never have any money to spend for myself, you always buy whatever you want” during her period, don’t go out and put a “For Sale” sign on the boat. Ask her about it in an hour, and she will probably have totally changed her mind, or brush it off like it was no big deal – leaving you totally confused because what she was just making a huge issue of, is now “no big deal”. Say hello to hormones. During her period, my wife says that there are times she feels “normal”, and other times she feels like she’s not herself at all. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is the case, and if she makes a comment about a large issue that your “I’m going to fix it” personality wants to jump in and fix right away, wait until after she’s done with her period to bring it up again and see if it really needs addressed.

Do the simple stuff – Show her that you care about her not feeling well at the moment. Sure, it’s easier to just grit our teeth and close our eyes until it’s over, but is that being a servant? Remember the whole “sickness and health” part? Warm up a heating pad for her back, help with the housework, do the dishes, cook dinner. These are all simple little things, but they mean a lot to our wives.

There! We made it through! I told you it wouldn’t be as bad as you thought. Or maybe it was. Regardless, at least you’re a little better prepared to deal with it. Oh, and don’t be afraid to ask your wife what would be a help to HER when those days come around every month. Each woman is different, but the principle remains; just because it’s a hard topic, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be willing to help. We need to stop hiding out, and start helping out. It might not be easy, but you’ll be glad you did. 

Husbands: Ten Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her


Ok MEN, it’s your turn on the old “ten things” list. And no, most of these don’t involve sex, sorry to disappoint. 😉

As with all of these type of lists, make sure you don’t take them at face value. This is simply a way to give you a few ideas, that you can tailor to your wife’s likes/dislikes.

Ready? Here goes –

1. Hold her hand for no reason. Yeah, that means not just when you’re thinking of her without her clothes on. Remember the thrill that holding hands gave you when you were dating? Well, our wives STILL love it when we reach over and hold their hand. It shows her that no matter how busy/crazy life is/will be, you’re still in love with HER.

2. Look her in the eye and tell her she’s beautiful. Notice I said look her in the EYE? In other words, not while you’re looking at her boobs. Our wives need you hear they are beautiful from US. Not from the kids, not from their girlfriends, not from her mom,  but from US. They might not say it, but they have thoughts like “I wonder if he still thinks I’m pretty?” quite a bit. Make SURE you let her know she’s still a “10” in your eyes.

3. Do things around the house that you may not think are in your “job description”. Don’t give me “Oh, I don’t like changing diapers”, or “I’m tired after a long day at work, I don’t want to help with dishes”.  As my mom used to tell us kids, “what, is your arm broken?” when we’d say we didn’t want to pitch in with the household stuff. It doesn’t matter if your wife stays home with the kids, or works out of the home – most times she’s exhausted by the time dinner comes around, so surprise her with a “hey babe, I’ll get the dishes tonight, why don’t you go sit on the deck and read that book you’ve been wanting to catch up on?” After she picks herself up off the floor, you’ll be amazed at how fast she’ll disappear. Sure it’s not fun, but man up. She’ll love you all the more for it.

4. Leave her sweet little notes – I can hear you groaning from here. Ok, it doesn’t have to be anything Shakespearean. Just a quick “I love more than anything”, or “Thanks for everything you do, I love you!”. It does much more than you may think when our wives find those notes from us. It shows them we are thinking about them, and that’s HUGE to them.

5. Make sure sex is good for HER also – Ok, so there’s one about sex. But it’s not about you. I hear so many wives complaining about how their husbands want sex all the time, but have no interest in making/learning how to make it better for THEM. Come on guys! This isn’t what we’re going for! Get rid of the attitude that “sex is mostly for the guy” and start learning about HER body, and how to make HER feel good. Be a student of your wife’s body. How she likes to be touched, what turns HER on, etc. Don’t always be so concerned about what YOU get out of it. Remember, marriage is about giving, and your marriage bed is a huge part of that.

5. Tell her you LOVE her – A LOT – “Oh come on, every guy does that! I say it all the time!” Yeah, you’d think this would be a no brainer, but it is a lot harder than we may think. As guys we may THINK we say it all the time, but I challenge you to count how many times you’ve said it today. Once? Maybe when you called on your lunch break? Yeah, our wives have a constant need to be reassured that we love them. It may seem strange to us guys, but it’s true. You can’t tell your wife you love her “too much”, but you can very easily say it “too little”.

6. Date her – No, that trip through the drive through with the kids last night was not a date. She wants you to pursue her, just like you did BEFORE you said “I do”. Plan nights out for just the two of you. Doesn’t have to be expensive, just as long as it’s you two spending time together. Could be a romantic dinner out. Could be something as simple as a walk by the lake, or in the park. What matters is that YOU planned it, and YOU took the time to be with HER and put everything else aside for a couple of hours. TIME MATTERS to our wives.

7. Make time to LISTEN to her – Yes, this involves turning off ESPN for a little while. Here’s the deal – your wife wants to feel important to you. If you are always listening to her talk with one eye on the top 10 plays, she’s not feeling like she’s very important. INVEST the time to sit down every couple of days with your wife, turn off the TV, put the cell phone away, sit down face to face, and say “Ok hon, I’m all yours. What’s going on in your world lately?” Resist the urge to solve problems, and instead empathize with her, listen to her, and make her feel like you actually care about her day. May seem simple, but this is SO important to our wives feeling loved and understood.

8. Surprise her with little gifts – Have you ever been walking through a store with your wife and she going on about something that she’d “love to have” someday? I know, most times you’re only half listening, because you’re also walking past the electronics department at the time, but try to REMEMBER those little things she mentions. The vase that she thought would look good on the table by the door. The necklace she stopped to admire. It could be anything! Some time when she’s not expecting it (in other words, not a birthday, or Christmas), buy it for her, and surprise her with it! You get a double bonus from this one – one for surprising her with something she wanted, and another for actually remembering she mentioned it, and following through.

9. Give her time to do things WITHOUT you or the kids – I go over this more in-depth in my post “Kick your wife out of the house”, but to sum it up, we need to remember that our wives need time to get away for a little while and clear their heads/relax. You try taking care of 2 or 3 needy, crying, energetic kids for 10 hours or so, and see how you feel at the end of it. When you get home from work and see that “I’m about to pull my hair out and curl up in a fetal position” look, have the decency to say “hey hon, do you want to head down to Starbucks for couple hours tonight after dinner? Just to “reset” a little?” Not only will she come back a lot calmer, but also refreshed, and ready to face another day and be the wife/mother she wants to be. Don’t see the warning signs, and go “oh well, I don’t get a break, why should she?”. Make sure your wife is getting time to herself. You’ll notice a BIG difference in almost every category.

10. Kiss her for no reason – In other words, kiss her out of the blue, and not just when you want it to lead somewhere. Maybe it’s right in the middle of doing dishes, or as you walk by her in passing. There nothing like laying one on your wife when she’s least expecting it. After the “what was that for?”, you be able to say “oh, just because you’re beautiful, and I couldn’t resist”. Watch her eyes light up!

So there you have it! Ten things you can do for your wife, that will show her how much you still love/care for her. What are some ways you’ve found show you care/love your wife?

The Danger of Silence.

Young Couple Sitting on Love Seat


It continues to amaze me at how long it takes me to learn certain things about my marriage. Things that after I discover them, seem so simple. I guess that’s why I write about them when I stumble across them – hoping that I’m not the last person on earth to figure them out. Here’s the latest one I’ve “discovered”.

A couple of weeks ago, Val and I were feeling disconnected. Nothing huge was wrong, and by all outside appearances, we looked fine. Maybe a little crabby towards each other, but nothing anybody would notice. If you didn’t know us very well, you would think everything was great. We were still giving little pecks on the lips before bed, putting on a fake smile throughout the day, and doing a great job of being roommates. We both knew something was wrong, but we couldn’t really pin point what IT, was.

This went on for about a week, until we ended up having what we like to call a “forced date night” (Grandparents came over, took the kids, and told us to get out of here). While we were at dinner, I said “ok, I what’s wrong with us lately? I don’t know what it is, but I hate it.” My wife said “I don’t know, but I don’t like it either”. After talking through it, you wanna know what the whole problem was?! (I know you’re on the edge of your seat) It all came down to one thing:

We were both expecting the other person to meet an unspoken need/desire that each of us had. 

At some point we had both been slightly offended that the other one hadn’t met an unspoken “need” that we had earlier that week, and it was a need which seemed really obvious to us, but had not been noticed at all by the other person. And instead of just saying “hey hon, I really need you to (insert need)”, we decided to get a little attitude about it and pull a “well fine then, I guess I don’t matter very much to him/her if they can’t see what I pretty obviously need! I’m just going to wait, and let him/her figure it out. They can’t be that oblivious”. And so it went for a week or so. Both of us getting a little more irked as each day went on, but refusing to say anything, or ask, due to what really came down to our pride. We both wanted the other person to “get a clue” and “do what he/she is supposed to do” or basically “figure out what is so darn obvious!”. And because neither of us ended up being very good mind readers, we were resenting each other. Yeah, pretty stupid huh?

Let me sum it up this way –

Your spouse has NO IDEA what your thinking, or what you may need (most of the time), unless you tell them. 

Why do we get the idea that just because our spouse has been married to us for “x amount of years”, they suddenly become mind readers? And I can hear you saying “well yeah, but come on! He/she has to have some sort of idea on what I need/like/desire after being around me all that time!”. Yes, it’s true that you probably know your husband/wife more than maybe anyone else on the planet, but even so, how are they to know what you need at any given time, if you don’t even ask?!

There are so many times I hear comments from couples like “Well, he had better figure it out that I need a date night once a week”, or “She’s gotta know I need sex 3 or 4 times a week! How hard is that to figure out?” And so we go through our marriages, disappointed that the other person isn’t “doing what they’re supposed to do”, but yet refusing to calmly sit down with them, and say “hey honey, I know you’ve been really busy lately, but I would really like to (insert need). Would you help me with this?”

Wouldn’t that be so much simpler?! What an amazing idea – actually ASK for things we need our spouse to do for us. Not just hope and pray that can play “mind pictionary”, and guess what we need.

What if on a daily basis, we went to each other and said something like “hey hon, I’m just checking in to see what you need today” and doing it with a servant’s heart – really WANTING to give the other person what they needed to feel loved, cared for, and important? Would that be so hard? Not at all. But for some reason it seems strange, because we go back to that old “oh come on, he/she shouldn’t have to be told what I need, they should just know” garbage. Well, let me let you in on a little secret: IT DOESN’T WORK. Take it from me, the idiot who has tried it for years – you’d be more productive going outside, sitting on your deck, and waiting for the moon to turn purple.

So, for us, from that date night on, we promised each other that we wouldn’t do the “guessing game” anymore, and that if we needed something, we would try to be better at laying down our pride, and simply asking. For some reason we get this idea that our spouses are sitting there going “nope! I’m not going to give him what he/she needs!”, When in reality, they wouldn’t mind at all, and most likely would love to – if they could only read your mind.

Keeping your SEX life alive during hard times – What say you?

Today’s post is not a post from me, but rather a question aimed at my readers.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me the question: “How do you keep your sex life, and the closeness that comes along with it – active, or at least not TOTALLY dead, while one spouse is sick/disabled/can’t perticipate like they wish they could.”

And don’t skim over the important part, the sick/disabled spouse WISHES they could perticipate in intercourse (even if it’s just for the sake of the other spouse), but because of their temporary condition, they are not able to.

I’m talking life events like injuries, pregnancy (morning sickness), back problems, etc. Things that take the intercourse option off the table for the time being.

So, it’s your turn – What have you found that helps?

How do you releave the sexual tension, when sex isn’t an option?

How do you avoid hurt feelings, when one spouse still wants a “normal” sex life, but the other one can’t give them that for now?

Ready…….? GO!

Post your comments below! 🙂

Sex Education

Sex education


Ok, this post is for the husbands AND the wives.

Do you remember the first day at your job? If it’s like most jobs, you came in, had somebody walk you through the building/business, show you where everything was, warn you about hazards you may encounter, and then pair you up with a “buddy” that would help be part of your training for a couple of weeks, or however long it took until you were ready to “fly solo”.

Now compare that to the “training” you receive on sex, before the wedding night. For most couples, you pick up what you can from books, or the internet, or a best friend – or if you’re lucky it’s included in your pre-marital counseling. But for most couples, you’re basically given a few pointers, and then thrown into a hotel room, and told “just go have fun! It will be GREAT!” Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. And sure, there’s nothing wrong with that, in a way, it’s fun and adventurous to have to “figure it out together” on your wedding night. But just like a baby get’s tired of just eating milk, and wants to move on to solid food, so our sex lives can suffer due to “just doing what we’ve always done”, because of our lack of effort. So,  after the first year of “just having sex is so AMAZING!” Wears off, it’s time to pull up a desk, and actually learn something about how your spouse’s body works.

For the husbands, first we have to overcome some “I’m already amazing, and I don’t need to learn anything” attitude. Yes, you may know where her vagina is, and I’m sure you know how to insert part A into part B, but have you ever taken the time to get a book and really LEARN about her anatomy? How female arousal works? How there are several different “pleasure spots” that you can stimulate to cause her to utter things you can’t quite understand, but that are obviously good? If you want her to enjoy sex as much as you do, and are really interested in being a student of your wife, it’s time to jump in there, and quit pulling the “well, I’ve always just rubbed here, and she’s fine with it” mantra. Yeah, that look on her face really says “I’m fine with it”. Come on guys! You’re goal should be to make her feel SO GOOD during sex, that she literally can’t speak for a few minutes afterwords. No, this doesn’t’ have to happen EVERY time, there are days you need you make it to church on time, but you need to know how, for those times your wife needs that.

Ok wives, now it’s your turn. Ah yes, the penis. You’re either scared to death of it, or you like it, but don’t really know what to do with it, or you’d like to know more about it, but “good girls” don’t really read about this kind of thing, do they? First of all, your husband would love nothing more than you spending time learning about his favorite part of his body. In fact you would probably have to throw a bucket of ice water over him to wake him up again, if you said something like “hey, so I got this book so I could learn more about your penis”. You have no idea what it means to your husband that you care enough about HIM and your SEX LIFE, to learn how to drive him wild in bed. And yes, I know some of you are going “honestly, by the time I get through the day, I’m lucky to be able to get a dinner on the table, and the laundry done, and my husband’s penis is the last thing on my mind at that point.”. I get that. All that I’m asking, is you give it a shot. Be a student of your husband. Make him see that what’s important to HIM, is also important to YOU. It doesn’t mean you must have sex MORE, it just means you’ll be better at it – when you DO.

Now to both of you, remember, your husband/wife are totally unique in the way they like to be touched, stimulated, etc. While “how to” books are good ways to get basic understanding on anatomy, how the different “parts” work, and how “most people” like this or that done, it’s always best to take your newly found information, and apply it, but don’t be totally disappointed if it doesn’t work perfectly EXACTLY like the book said to do it. Remember, being a student of your spouse, means sexually also. Figuring out what THEY like, is part of the fun! So start with a good book on the subject, and then tailor it to your spouse.

I know it’s easy to get lazy in marriage. “What’s always worked, is ‘good enough’ for us” seems to be the norm. But why give your spouse easy? How about rocking their world every now and then? How about being willing to try new things together? Let’s show the world how God really designed sex to be in the marriage bed. Not boring, or predictable, or “un-exciting” like TV portrays it, but AMAZING, EXCITING, and incredibly REWARDING. 

“She just doesn’t get it!” – and other things we husbands exclaim about sex.


Ever been there? You’re trying your hardest to explain to your wife that you “need sex more often as a way to connect and feel close to her”, and all she’s hearing is “she’s not good enough” and “no matter how hard I she tries, she’s not enough”. You keep arguing for a while, but after a while, you either decide it’s not worth it to argue about anymore, or you just give up and walk away feeling hurt and like you somehow “don’t matter to her” because obviously if you did, she would see  how much sex means to you, and be more willing oblige you.

Ok, I think we’ve all been there at least one time in our marriage. So what do you do about it? What can you do? After all, if she doesn’t want to have sex, it’s pretty hard to “make her” want you.

Well, first let’s start with what you DON’T want to do:

Shut Down – Don’t pull the “well fine, I’m going to give you the silent treatment” thing on her. I know it’s hard, but be the bigger person, keep your commitment to love her no matter what, and do your best to stay emotionally open to her.

Pout – Kind of like the “shut down” thing, but a little more childish. I don’t even need to explain it – you know what I’m talking about, and it’s not attractive.

Ask, and ask, and ask, and ask – You know how annoying it is when your child keeps asking to play Nintendo, or buy something, and no matter how many times you say “no”, they just keep going? Does it make you want to give them what they want any more? No. Ok, so why would it work on your wife? She knows you want/need it. She hasn’t forgotten. So quit begging.

Watch porn instead “Well, it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t care about my needs, so it’s “ok” if I satisfy my physical need with a little porn. It’s not like I’m hurting anything”. WARNING: That is a LIE straight from hell. Satan would like NOTHING MORE than to see the intimacy in your marriage torn apart, and the fastest way he can do this, is wedge porn in between you and your wife. It DOES hurt someone, it hurts YOU! It might not feel like it at the time, but PLEASE UNDERSTAND it brings nothing but PAIN and DYSFUNCTION to your marriage. Oh, and by the way, it might give you something to satisfy the physical urge with, but it will do NOTHING to satisfy the need you still have to have sex with your wife. Just the OPPOSITE – now, you will be struggling to get the images of other women out of your mind, as you make love to your wife. It’s NOT WORTH IT. Run from it. 

Ok, so those are some things to AVOID, now let’s look at things that might HELP the situation:

Pray for her – There’s nothing more powerful than praying for your spouse. And when I say “pray for her”, I don’t mean “complain about her” in prayer. Don’t start with “Lord, what the heck is wrong with the woman you gave me?” Instead, pour your heart out to God. Ask him to bless your marriage, in EVERY aspect, and show you ways you can be a better husband, even if she isn’t totally meeting your needs right now. Ask Him to soften her heart towards you, and let her see what you’re really trying to get across to her.

Don’t ask more than every 48 hours – Don’t ask me how I know this, but for some reason, if you ask MORE than that, you’ll hear a lot of “that’s all you ever want!” from your wife. Most times it’s better to wait 3 days to ask again, but if you “can’t wait” that long, at least 48 hours is usually good enough to avoid the “you just asked yesterday!” exclamation.

Don’t panic – Since the sex need is most times much more “driven” in men than women, if we feel like she’s rejecting us, and it’s been a few days/weeks since we last had sex, there’s a tendency to panic, and go right to the “she’s never going to want to have sex with me again” phase. Don’t do this! Instead, calmly try to look at the situation, and ask yourself a few questions. What time of the month is it? Is she pregnant? Is she sick? Has she been really stressed at work/home lately? Try and access what may be working against you, besides the “she just hates me” theory. Where she is in her cycle plays a HUGE part in how active her sex drive is. If you’re asking a few days before her period starts, you’d probably have a better chance of being an Olympic gold medalist in basket weaving. On the other hand, the days she’s ovulating, she may be the one asking YOU for sex. And then there’s all the other days between. Do yourself a favor, and learn you wife’s cycle. There are even APPS that help with this. You will save yourself a LOT of pain. The Generous Husband has a great post on this and you can read it HERE.

Watch HOW you ask – If you haven’t figured this out by now a “Hey, I’m horny, wanna have sex?” May have worked on your honeymoon (maybe), but after a few years, it will most likely get you nothing but a rather large “eye roll” from your wife. Asking like that makes her feel like a piece of meat. When you ask, try something more along the lines of “Hey hon, I’ve really been missing you lately, would you be interested in making love later?”. Asking like that gives you a little better odds at a “yes”.

Make sure you’ve got “your end” together – in other words, if the most meaningful conversation you’ve had with your wife in the last week is whether she wants ranch or BBQ for her chicken nuggets, she’s probably not feeling very emotionally connected to you, and in turn, not feeling very interested in having sex with a “stranger” that hasn’t talked to her about anything in over a week. Make it a PRIORITY to SIT DOWN, turn OFF the TV, and actually LISTEN to her talk about her day, what she’s concerned about, etc, on a DAILY basis. And for gosh sakes, turn off Sports Center while you do this. Remember, this makes her feel connected to us, just like sex makes us feel connected to her.

Quit comparing her to others – “Why can’t we just have a sex life-like (insert married couple you look up to, or one you think has a great sex life)?” Let me let you in on a little secret: You’re not them. And even if you were, I’d lay good odds that they’re not quite as “problem free” as you may think they are. Funny how that works. Kind of back to the whole “grass is greener” myth. So stop comparing/wishing you were like somebody else, and make the best of what you DO have. Otherwise you’re just going to continue to be disappointed when you continue to not “live up” to the imaginary standard you’ve set.

How serious is it? – Have you ever seen the “pain scale” that hospitals use in patient rooms? If not, it’s basically a little sign with a series of smiley faces. The one all the way to the left is “unbearable pain”, and the one all the way to the right is “no pain at all”. You can use the same idea to rate how serious an issue the “no sex” issue really is in your marriage. For example, has it been 4 months since you had sex last, and it’s been constant rejection for as long as you remember? Or is this something fairly recent that has developed? Is she just going through a “funk” right now due to health issues, pregnancy, etc.?  Or is bad enough that it doesn’t  matter if she feels good or not, it’s still constant rejection? If your answer if the former, just wait it out for a while, odds are it’s going to get better, and you’ll be right back on track. If it’s the latter, you need to get some help. Start with a non-accusing “pour your heart out” talk with your bride. Explain how much she means to you, and how much you need to feel connected to her in this way. If that doesn’t work, find a good Christian counselor that can work with you guys, and find out what’s at the bottom of the issue. Odds are there’s something buried  or something that’s not obvious to both of you, that may be the very thing that is blocking you from having the sexual relationship God designed you to have. Don’t give up and “just live with it”. Sex is an amazing, and incredibly rewarding thing the He created for husband and wife to share. Take action, swallow a little pride, roll your sleeves up, and get some help with it. Do whatever you have to do to start moving in the right direction. You won’t be sorry you put in the effort. 

Sex. What if we just quit being selfish?


The sex argument:  “She’s not giving me enough sex”, or “He’s not giving me enough sex”. Over and over we go through the same argument  the same hurt, the same “if you loved me you would have sex with me”.  This goes on for a few days or weeks, and then it get’s better for a while (mostly out of the party that’s not “putting out” as much as the other party would like, feeling guilty), but sooner than later (usually sooner), we’re back into the same never-ending battle.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been there. Got the t-shirt, and the key chain. Even have the hat. Not there anymore. But in getting from there to where we are now, we’ve learned a few things.  You know what it all really comes down to? YOU. It all comes down to you being able to say “I am going to willingly lay down my own selfishness and desires, for the benefit of my spouse and our relationship”. That’s it. The end. I should sell a book!

Oh yes, there are all kinds of excuses either party can come up with. There are all the standard reasons why you are right, and he/she’s not. Or why he/she doesn’t really NEED it as much as they say they do. Or that it’s not as important as everybody says it is. On and on they go…..blah blah blah. Every one of them just trying to excuse what is really at the bottom of it – selfishness. WE don’t want to do something, because WE don’t want to do it. It’s not going to kill us, it’s not going to hurt, it’s not an impossibility, it’s just WE don’t WANT to.

And it’s not like there aren’t plenty of things in this life that we do already, even though we don’t WANT to. I don’t WANT to go to work every day. I don’t WANT to get a filling at the Dentist. I don’t WANT to do yard work in the middle of the summer. But with all these things, what we may WANT or FEEL like doing, doesn’t really apply. Try calling up your boss one morning and telling him you just “don’t feel like” coming in today. Odds are he/she’s not going to be amused. Or what if we didn’t get that filling we needed, just because we didn’t FEEL like it? I don’t think the price of having your tooth decay and eventually fall out, is worth putting it off because you didn’t WANT to.

Why is it that we put sex with our spouse – the one that we stood up there with in front of all those people, and committed to LOVE and HONOR and CHERISH – below mowing the lawn, or going to work, or doing the laundry?! And don’t give me the “it’s just not the same” excuse! What we are saying to your spouses when we deny them sex (barring illness, physical disability, etc) is:

“Sorry honey, even though I know you need what you’re asking for, and can only get it from me, you’re not important enough to lay aside my own feelings/desires/mood, and give it to you”.

Not a real pretty statement is it? Not very sugar coated. Makes us look pretty pathetic really. So instead of just coming out and saying the wonderful line above, we say “sorry honey, work has been really tough lately, I’m just not there right now”, or “Sorry babe, I just don’t feel like it tonight”, or “I have a headache”hoping to hide the true reason (stated above) behind a more “acceptable” excuse. One that makes us look a little better. Telling ourselves the whole time that “she should just understand”, or “he needs to know that he doesn’t get it anytime he wants it”.

A husband and wife should be able to depend SOLEY on one another for sexual satisfaction, and fulfilling their sexual desires. That means as long as neither party is being stimulated by ANY other sources (porn, erotica, romance novels, etc), their spouse should be able help them satisfy their sexual drive to the BEST of their ability!

“But what if I want to meet my souse’s need, but my body won’t follow?” It doesn’t have to ALWAYS be intercourse! There are plenty of “other ways” that the he can help her, or she can help him, get the release he/she needs, until the time when you can fully participate in intercourse. But just watch you attitude when you do this! This is KEY! If you have a  “fine, whatever, I’ll help you” attitude, is that showing love to your spouse? I don’t think so. Even if you have to “fake it” a little for the benefit of your spouse, you are trying to get across that you LOVE them and are WILLING be a servant to them, even if you may not be “totally into it”. And don’t tell me you can’t fake it, because I’ve heard people be right in the middle of a heated argument,  their phone rings, and all the sudden they go from blazing mad to “Hello? Hey Angie! (Big fake smile), I’m doing GREAT! How are you guys?” But when it comes to our mate, we have to make sure they know they’re really “putting us out”, and really show them we would rather be doing something else by our attitude.

And you know what that does for the spouse that is asking? It makes him/her think to themselves “I’m not going to ask again, because he/she doesn’t care about this anyway. I’m just an obligation to him/her.” And then that leads to that spouse seeking other, more “willing” sources (like porn or erotica) to satisfy their sexual needs. Wouldn’t you rather have you spouse come to YOU anytime they needed a sexual need met? Even if I’m not always on the same page, I would sure as heck rather have her coming to me, than be tempted to get that need met from some other source.

So, what if instead of throwing a mini-tantrum, we decided to do everything we could to WILL our minds into being “into” it for the sake of our spouse? What if we said to ourselves, “Ok, I’m making the decision to put my own feelings away for a few minutes, and help my husband/wife with a need he/she has that only I can meet. I’m going to do it because I LOVE him/her. I’m going to do it because I know it’s good for both of us, and makes our relationship stronger. It’s not going to kill me. I can do what I was going to do later. I’m making the CHOICE to put him/her first.” I think you may be surprised  at how you might find yourself “getting into it” more than you might have thought you would. But even if you don’t, it’s still worth it, because you can rest assured (and better if you’re headed to bed) that you just did something that may have not been on your top ten list at this moment, but in doing so you just built up your spouse, strengthened your marriage, and became closer together at the same time. Sounds a lot better than mowing the lawn anyway. 🙂