Posts Tagged ‘ sexual relationship ’

“Fifty Shades of Danger”

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With the movie coming up on Valentine’s Day, I’m reposting this from a few years ago….

Note: While this is a topic that mostly effects wives, I feel that it can have a very negative impact on a marriage, and leave the husband not only confused, but wondering how he can measure up to what the wife is reading. It is on this premise, that I write this post.

I’m sure you’re heard of it by now. The series of “erotica” books called “Fifty Shades of Grey” that has sold millions of copies so far in both paper, and e-book form. While erotica has been around for a long time, the popularity of the Kindle and other “e-reader” tablets take away the embarrassment of the consumer having to go to a store and purchase something from a clerk. This I understand. What amazes me however, is the broad acceptance that our culture is giving this brand of smut. Even NBC Nightly News did a full piece on it, acting as if it was “the new acceptable thing” for moms to use to spice up their love lives. Really?! Would the same coverage and acceptance be given to a book series of pornographic images depicting bondage and other fetishes for men to view?  Pretty sure Brian Williams wouldn’t be doing a full three-minute news piece on that one. But how is Fifty Shades of Grey any different? Just because porn targets guys (very visual), and erotica targets girls (emotional, turned on by romance), it doesn’t make it any different. It’s the SAME THING put in a different package! It’s as if the women reading and talking about this set of books (married or otherwise), think it’s ok to read very vivid depictions of people engaging in sex (including “bondage” etc.) because “oh, it’s just a book”.

I was sitting somewhere having lunch the other day, and the table behind me had a few ladies talking about the books. I couldn’t help but shake my head in disbelief, as I listened to them all talk about it like it was some kind of sexual aid, or way for women to “get back in touch with their sexuality”. They were talking about it over coffee like it was the latest iPod, or trend in clothing. Not one of them (2 of the 3 had wedding bands on) even suggested that it may not be appropriate for them to be reading.

It got me thinking – let’s flip this around for a minute. If I walked up to these same women (even if they were non-Christian), and asked if they would mind if their husbands viewed pornography on the internet once in a while, I’m pretty sure they would respond in a very negative way. I don’t think they would they say that porn was ok because it “helps men get in touch with their sexuality”. Or would it be “ok” if it was a certain kind of “high end” porn that was sold at – let’s say – Barnes and Noble? So why is this “mommy porn” as the media is has been calling it – somehow acceptable?

Let’s check out some of the reasons our “good friends” in the media have been giving us so far –

“It re-kindles the sexual relationship in your marriage” – Sure it does! Just like just like porn makes guys want to make love to their wives! Too bad they’re thinking about the woman in the video, not their wife, when they’re doing it. Does it make the women reading this erotica “horny” and want to jump in bed with their husbands? Yes it does! But is it because they want to build their relationship with their mate? No! It’s because something external (in this case a fantasy that no husband can ever live up to in real life) has turned them on, and since the guy in the books isn’t real, they’ll take whatever then can get – in this case, their husband. What a sad way to approach the sexual relationship that God has created to bring such closeness.

“It’s a way for women to figure out what they really want in the bedroom” – Yeah, kind of like offering a child cotton candy for dinner, lets the child figure out what they “really want” for their meal that evening. Just because something may “feel good” or “taste good” at the time, doesn’t mean it’s best for us, or even remotely healthy. In the same way that the child would grow unhealthy eating cotton candy for dinner every evening, so a marriage grows unhealthy when fantasy about another person is brought into the marriage bed. The marriage bed should be where the couple is able to explore each others bodies, and become closer together, not driven further apart by unrealistic expectations and fantasy.

 “It’s not like it’s hurting anybody, it’s just a few books” – Funny, these excuses are starting to sound a lot like a guy rationalizing pornography. In the same way a wife’s heart is wounded by the husband viewing porn, the husband – while at first may be more than happy to oblige the wife’s strange new desire for more sex – will begin to feel like he is just being used to fulfill a fantasy, and that she is no longer making love to him, but to something or someone in her head instead. He will then start to feel like he is inadequate, and think “if I were good enough in bed, we wouldn’t need to do this stuff she has read about, and she would then think it was exciting to be with me”. It cuts at the very heart of the husband.

It can also affect the overall attitude in the home, because if mom and dad aren’t doing well in their sexual relationship, the marriage suffers. That makes mom and dad a lot more likely to have a “snappy attitude” with each other, and in turn – with the kids. 

To sum it upIT’S JUST NOT WORTH IT! There are so many things out there trying to snip and tear away at our marriages. We have to be PRO-ACTIVE in guarding our hearts and minds against anything that would pose a threat to that. There is a temptation to become “bored” or “fall in a rut” with your sex life after you’ve been married a while – but take it as a challenge! Sit down and TALK to each other about your sex life – what’s working, and what’s not. Change it up a little! There are no rules saying “you have to only have sex in your bedroom” (There’s a great post by “J” at “Hot, Holy and Humorous” called “Where to have sex” that is a great look at having fun with locations), or with the lights off, or only after 9pm. God has given us the AMAZING gift of sex as a married couple, and blessed it! It’s to be something that is treasured between the couple as a pleasure only shared between them. Let’s not take away from, or cheapen what He created to be so incredible, when done in the protection and commitment of the marriage relationship.

Wives: 11 Thoughts Out of Your Husband’s Head –

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Ok, I know a lot of wives read my blog, even though it’s geared toward the husbands. I often wondered why, until I had several female readers comment and send me emails saying “I love your blog, because it helps me understand what’s going on in my husband’s brain.” (As if we’re really that complicated, right guys?!) And it’s funny how different the male and female thinking patterns are.

Just the other day, I was telling me wife something, and in the middle of my sentence, she stopped me and said “Wait, you REALLY think that way? Like that’s how a guy thinks about it?!” It amazed her! So I got to thinking, what if there are a LOT of things that wives have no clue about how their husband’s think? I guess then the other question would be “Do they WANT to know what their husbands are thinking?”, but I guess if you’re reading this post, you’re at least curious. 😉

So, with that in mind, here are 11 things that your husband would LOVE from you, but would probably never ask for, or if he did, he would end up doing it in a way that you would probably take offence to. Now here’s the deal though,  don’t read this post and get all bent out of shape. Read it in the way it was meant to be read. Like if you were able to pry open your husband’s head, and read a few of his thoughts. These are not things you HAVE to do, or you’re not a good wife of you DON’T do, they’re just things he would LIKE you to do once and a while. What you do with that knowledge, is up to you. 

1. He needs you to think he’s amazing at things – Your husband LOVES to hear you say things like “Hey hon, the lawn looks amazing!”, or “I can’t believe you came up with that great business idea! I would have never thought of that one!”. He basically needs to know that you aren’t only concerned about the things he may need work on. He wants to hear you believe in him, and even though he might not think he’s up to the level that HE thinks he needs to be, he wants to know that you’re in his corner. You’re pulling for him. You’re shouting down all the naysayers and going “You watch what my husband can do! He can do whatever his sets his mind to!” And though he might pull the “oh hon, stop” thing, inside, he can’t stop smiling. You just made his day.

2. He wants to know you enjoy(ed) sex – Ever notice that your husband may bring up a sexual interlude that you had last night, or the day before, and say things like “Man, that was great the other night!”, or “Did you like when we did (insert sexual activity) a couple of days ago?” Yeah, that’s because he’s hoping to hear you say something like “Amazing? Amazing doesn’t even begin to describe it! When you were doing (insert activity here) to me, I thought I was going to go to heaven right there!” – or something like that. 😉 Every man has this deep desire to know that his wife thinks he’s amazing in bed. Don’t ask me why. I just know it’s true. Everything from enhancement pills, to ads on TV is telling him that he “needs to be better/longer/bigger/etc in bed, and in the back of his mind he’s asking “I wonder if she thinks I’m boring, not big enough, or not good at pleasing her?” And if he’s NOT the world’s best lover? Just focus on the things he IS good at in bed, and tell him about those. That will do way more to encourage him to grow in the other areas he’s not so good at, than telling him he is bad at them. Make sure he knows you LOVE being with him sexually, and when he rocks your world, tell him all about it –  in vivid detail!

3. He wants to hear “Thanks” sometimes – This one’s pretty simple. Your husband works hard every day to bring home enough money to either support, or help support the family. He doesn’t need it much, but every 6 months or so, look him in the eye, and tell him “Hey babe, you’ll never know how much it means to me that you work hard for our family every day. Thanks for getting up when you don’t feel like it, for dealing with crabby customers, and going to work for me and our family.” Little comments like that go a long way for your husband.

4. He wants you to sexually surprise him sometimes – Most likely, your husband is pretty satisfied with your sex life. The “normal” thing you do, works great 8 out of 10 times, and for the most part, he wouldn’t change a thing. But every once in a while, surprise him with something different. Maybe it’s YOU coming on to HIM. Maybe it’s a different location. Maybe it’s you texting him at work and telling him you can’t wait to (fill in the blank) to him tonight. Maybe it’s giving him the normal “I’m home from work hug”, but letting your hand slide down a little further then you normally do, to let him know what’s on the schedule later. The little things like that let your husband know that you still like having sexual fun with him, like you used to BEFORE the kids invaded the house. 😉 Even if you didn’t come up with the idea, and go along with an idea that is “out of the ordinary” for you two, that’s fine. Just don’t roll your eyes, or give “the sigh” when he says “Hey babe, wanna do it (_______) tonight!”

5. He’d love you to give him a NAKED massage – Yeah, you read that right. A naked one. Here how it works. He gets home from work after having a bad day. You say “Sorry you day was lousy honey. Tonight after the kids go to bed, I’ll give you a massage.” Just leave it at that. Then, when the time comes, tell him to go lay face down on the bed, or wherever you’re giving the massage, because you have to “get ready”. See how long it takes him to notice you’re just wearing panties (if that). TIP: Tell him you can’t quite get his back well enough standing, so you’re going to have to straddle him “for better reach”. Sure, it might turn into a shorter massage session then you might have with a “clothed massage”, but let’s just say your husband will have a hard time remembering why his day was so bad. 😉

6. He loves it when you smell good/look nice when he comes home from work – He will never mention this, but he loves it when he comes home from work, and you smell good, and look like you didn’t just roll our of bed. From the day that he started dating you, he’s always liked how you always smell good, and you know we think you’re the most beautiful girl he knows. Now don’t get me wrong, he knows you’ve been with the kids all day long, and feel like you’ve been run over by a herd of elephants, so he’s not talking 4 inch heels and a dress. Just have jeans and a t-shirt on, run a brush through your hair, and blast a quick spray of that perfume that he really likes. Just this little effort, goes a long way in telling your husband you care about him, and know that he loves looking at you, and being close to you.

7. He loves it when you build him up around friends – Say you’re hanging out in a group, or with another couple. Your husband LOVES it when you compliment him about something in public. Makes him feel about 10 feet tall. For example, say you’re talking in the group with another wife, about what your husbands do for work. Instead of saying “Bryan (your husband) works in construction.” Say something like “Bryan works in construction, you should see some of the work he does. He’s really good at it.” It doesn’t require 10 seconds more to say, but let me tell you, your husband will be beaming. He wants/needs your affirmation that he’s good at what he does, even if it’s working at the gas station. This is HUGE for him.

8. He loves it when you compliment his um, well….his…..oh, you know what I mean. – Another one of the things he’ll never tell you to do, but next time you are in the middle of foreplay, and you look down to see that he’s quite excited to be there, say something like “Wow! You look huge tonight!” Anything to that effect. Just watch what it does to his confidence.

9. He needs you to assure him that he’s being a good dad. This is one thing a lot of guys (including myself) feel like they never quite measure up to. They really feel the weight of being a good role model, etc, but always feel like we fail when it counts, or shouldn’t have yelled at the kids that time, or maybe I should have acted differently that time, etc. When you notice him doing something good with the kids, say “Hon, you’re a really good dad. Just want you to know that.” Also, if he doesn’t put on the baby’s diaper on quite like you do, or handles a situation with the kids differently than you would have, avoid the urge to jump in and “do it right”. It makes him feel like he’s another one of the kids. He’s doing the best he can. Don’t micro manage  how he does it.

10. He loves it when you ask if you can help There are a lot of times we feel overwhelmed with life, work, chores, church commitments, etc, but don’t want to ask you for help, because we don’t want to add to your already seemingly massive load. What we don’t realize, is that most times you WANT to support and help us, but are waiting for us to ask you. Well, most times, we won’t. But don’t be afraid to ask! Just say something like “Hey hon, I’ve noticed you’re a bit overwhelmed lately. Can I do anything to help?” Most likely he’ll welcome the help, and appreciate that you noticed.

11. Sometimes he wishes you’d just give him a hand-job Yes, again, that’s what I said. Hey, I told you I’m being honest here. If you know it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, and you know he’s frustrated about it, but you still don’t feel like having sex (period, bad timing, etc), don’t ask, just roll over to his side of the bed, and offer him a hand-job. I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter if your mind is “into it”, or if your “emotionally ready”, or whatever other thing you might try to throw in there for a reason that you just don’t feel like giving him one. He needs to be with you sexually. You can’t “go all the way” right now. But you CAN help him make it until you feel like it. It may be hard for you to believe, but you will be the biggest hero on earth to your husband if you take the 3 minutes it takes, to help relieve the urge that is ever-present on his mind until you do. Oh, and he will be much easier to live with for the next few days. I know it’s hard for you girls to believe that the whole world can be solved with a hand-job, but sometimes for your husband, it can.

Sex; It’s NOT just about YOU.

This is another “most popular” post from 2012…

As guys, we think sex is pretty awesome. In fact, we’d probably have a hard time thinking of something that we like doing more.

But how long has it been since we took  a hard look at what we’re doing to make sex just as enjoyable for our wives? Whether we’d like to admit it or not, we can get a little selfish in this area if we’re not careful. Part of being the husband God intended you to be, is MAKING SURE that you’re doing everything in your power to ensure your wife is reaching climax (if she desires one – more about that later), and that you are asking her what she likes, what feels good, what things she would like to try, what positions she likes best, etc. So often without even realizing it, us guys tend to do what feels good to us, without taking the time to even ask her what would make it better for her. If we want our wives to be as excited about making love as we are most of the time, I think it would be wise on our part to constantly be working on the following things –

The “Big O” – If you haven’t figured it out by now, women take a whole lot longer to “warm up” sexually, than us guys do. Think of it as a microwave vs. a crock pot. While men can be “ready to go” at the drop of a hat (or panties), and able to climax within a few minutes, most of our wives need some time to get there mentally, before the arousal process can even start. Now here’s the other thing guys –

there are times that our wives are totally happy with having intercourse without having an orgasm. This makes about as much sense to us guys as mowing the lawn without turning the lawn mower on, but it’s true.

Remember, sex is not all about the physical act to them. There is a lot of emotional connecting going on during sex for women too. That said, if she DOES desire to have an orgasm, we need to make sure that we are taking the time to slow down and help her get there. Since most of the time it’s hard for women to climax through penetration alone, this means we need to be ready to help her with our hands, or orally. Also – don’t get in such a hurry to start the “main event” that you make her feel pressured to “hurry up and make it happen already!” or make her think she’s “taking to long“. This will only make things worse. If you are having a hard time finding the right spot or speed, have your wife show you with her hand what feels good. Then try to simulate that. Communication is the key here. Don’t be too shy to ask her what she wants you to do. We’d like to think we are natural “masters” as satisfying our wives in bed, but most times there are things she wishes we would do, and if we’re too proud/shy to ask, we’ll never get any better. 

Vibrators/Toys – There are lots of different opinions out there on whether or not sex toys/aids are good/ok to use in the marriage bed. I’m not going to get into all that in this post. What I am going to do is give you what has worked for us, and then you can make the judgement for yourselves on what works/is appropriate for you.  What we’ve found with 3 small kids, and not always having a large amount of time to have “gourmet sex” every time, is while my wife may be interested/up for sex, the idea of spending enough time for her to become fully aroused, and able to climax manually, is somewhat daunting after a long day with the kids and 10pm approaching rapidly. So, after our first child was born, we decided to look for something to help her be able to “speed up the process” a little for those times when we wanted to enjoy each other sexually, but didn’t have time/energy for the “4 course meal” version of sex. We wanted something that could be used during penetration, but wanted to be careful because we found some medical articles with evidence that long-term use of a vibrator can damage the nerve endings of the clitoris and make it harder for a woman to orgasm without it. So, after quite a bit of research, we found something that doesn’t vibrate, but instead “oscillates” (moves rapidly in a “back and forth” motion) that we really like, and is nice to have when she desires to climax, but may not have a lot of time. Do we always use it when we make love? No. Is it nice to have something that helps her climax much faster when she desires it, but we don’t have a lot of time? Very. I feel that there are times our wives may say “no”  to sex on any given night, due to the pressure they feel from us (spoken or unspoken) to have an orgasm. If they are on the fence already about having sex (long day, tired, etc), the thought of having to spend 20 minutes to “get herself there” may just be the push she needs to say “not tonight”, because it seems like such a daunting task after a long day. This gives her an option where she can still climax and enjoy sexual time with her husband, but not be discouraged, and in turn distracted, because it’s “talking so long”. (Note: If you would like to know what we use,  drop me an email, and we’d be glad to share with you what we found that has helped us. Believe it or not, there are still some things even marriage bloggers don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public blog post 😉 )

Lube up! – Another thing that can make sex less enjoyable, or even downright painful for your wife is lack of lubrication. If we rush right through the foreplay, and within a couple of minutes, try to enter her, odds are, she’s not going to magically be wet and ready to go. Remember the crock pot analogy? She needs some time to warm up! Without using any kind of lube, a woman needs between 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay (of course all women are different, but in general) to become  naturally lubricated enough for intercourse. What’s the moral to the story here? Get a bottle of good lube and keep it handy! The best one we have found (hands down) is the “Pjur Eros Original Body Glide Lube”, found on Amazon.com or most other sexual aid sites. It doesn’t dry up, doesn’t make a huge mess, and lasts for a long time. We have been through a lot of different brands/formulas, but always come running back to this one. Oh, and still not convinced you need lube? Try having your wife manually stimulate you without using any – it’s funny how fast you will change your mind.

What has worked in the past, may not work now – If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will: You’re in bed, doing that thing that you know is always a “home run” in the “what I like in bed” category for your wife. At some point you look up however, to see a “less than thrilled”  or even a *gasp!* bored look on her face. You panic, wondering what in the world am I doing wrong? Relax! You’re not doing anything wrong. This is a really hard one for us guys to grasp sense for us it’s a “one movement fits all” thing, but for our wives it all can change due to pregnancy, time of the month, or sometimes I wonder – the color of the sky that day. (That was a joke) The thing to remember is DON’T get discouraged, or think you’ve lost your touch. Let her talk you through what now feels better, and don’t take it personally. Too often we take any form of rejection in bed (no matter how small), as an attack on us. It’s not.

Be a “student” of your Wife – I mentioned a little bit of this above, but what I’m trying to get at is always be looking for ways you can improve at pleasing her in the bedroom. Don’t settle for “good enough” and stop there. Doesn’t matter if you’re a new husband and don’t have a clue, or a husband that’s been married 40 years, there’s always room to get better! Don’t become complacent!

Don’t be afraid to laugh together! – As guys, we look at things in life as “tasks”. We need to get something done, so we form a plan on the best way to accomplish it, what we need to buy, what tools we need, etc. We know that if we have the “right tools” for the job, and a good plan, we will succeed. We “can’t fail” if we plan carefully (or so we try to convince ourselves). Here in lies the problem: If we try to transfer that attitude to the bedroom, we end up becoming frustrated if we’re doing something during lovemaking, and it’s not working like it was “supposed to”. This leads to an uneasy tension, and that is NOT good in what was supposed to be a time of connection between husband and wife. At this point we’ve lost the whole point. If something doesn’t work, LAUGH a little! This is supposed to be fun remember? We get so lost in “it has to happen this way”, that we lose sight of what we’re really supposed to be accomplishing overall. Sex is one of the greatest gifts God has given a married couple. Let’s make sure we are being patient, and helping our brides get the pleasure that God created her to get out of it. So get out there and get to work husbands! This is not exactly the worst job you’ve ever been given. 😉

Wives: 10 Ways to Put a Big Goofy Grin on Your Husband’s Face

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Ok wives, let’s face it – your husband thinks a bit differently than you do about sex. I’m sure there has been a time or two when your husband tells you something about what he would like to do sexually, and you’ve  looked at him with that “he just said what?” look your face and said “You want to do what again?”

Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. We are kind of strange at times, and that’s the whole point of this post. How are you supposed to think like your husband about sex, when you’re NOT a guy?

Well, that’s where this little list comes in! But first a couple of things to get out of the way:

1. This list is like a “one size fits most” hat. It will probably fit your husband, but there are always those guys with really big or small heads. Use what you can from it, ignore the rest.

2. This is not a list like you find in Redbook in one of their “10 ways to please your man” lists. It does not require you to order a topless Mrs. Claus suit. Rather, this is a list for the regular, everyday husband, who adores his wife,  probably has a few young kiddos running around, and is wondering if there will ever be time for a sex life again.

“Ten ways to put a big goofy grin on your husband’s face” (without having to buy a topless Mrs Claus suit):

– After the kids go to bed one night, tell him you’re declaring it a “topless movie night”, and no one is allowed to wear shirts. (Odds are, he won’t remember much of the plot of the movie, but he’ll be in 7th heaven)

– Send him a picture of one of your “for his eyes only” parts, via text or email (or using a couples app like Avocado, or Couple), with a message like “Later” attached. He will think about it all day.

– When you sit down on the couch with him to watch tv after the kids go down, wear a skirt, sit at the end of the couch with your feet facing him, and “forget” to wear panties. See how long it takes him to notice.

– When you’re somewhere simi-private with him, let your hand slowly run over his (ahem) and tell him “I can’t wait until we go to bed later”

– When you’re getting dressed in the morning, say “hey hon, can you come pick the panties you want me to wear today, and then take off of me tonight? I’m not sure which ones to wear”

– Join him in the shower one morning out of the blue, when he left you in bed “sleeping”. Ask him if you can help him wash those hard to reach areas. He won’t mind being late for work that morning. 

– Set your alarm a little earlier than his, and find “creative ways” to wake him up. I’m not going to expound on that one. 

– After the kids are in bed, go into your bedroom saying you’re going to change into your PJ’s. Come out completely naked, and sit down by him like there’s nothing up. Maybe grab a magazine and start thumbing through it like everything’s normal. Oh, and make sure you help him pick his jaw up off the floor. You may need it later. 😉

– When you’re riding in the car together (not driving), text him with an explanation of what you’d like to do to him later when you get home. 

– If he’s leaving on a business trip, or has to be away for a few days, make him a “private video” for him to watch when he calls you later that night. Just be sure he has a way to hide it on his phone (Audio Manager on Android platform is a great app for this). Might not be a great one to accidentally come up during a business presentation. 

– During a dinner out, or trip to the store, lean over and whisper to him that you’re not wearing any panties. Just be prepared to get home a little sooner than you may have intended. 

So there you go! a few things you can do to completely floor your hubby, and make him wonder how the heck you know exactly how to drive him wild all the time. Have fun, and remember, these are just ideas. You know your husband’s likes/desires more than anyone, so  make sure you tailor them to fit your guy. However you adjust them though, you can make sure that he won’t be able to get that goofy grin off of his face for a while. 😉

Five Things Your “High Drive Spouse” May Never Tell You –

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In most marriages, there is a “higher drive spouse” (HDS) and a “lower drive spouse” (LDS). If this doesn’t apply to your marriage, you can safely disregard this post.

In most cases, the Husband is the HDS, and the wife is the LDS, but this is becoming more and more not the case. A great resource for wives who are the HDS, is  “Spice & Love – A Higher Drive Wife”. Because of this, I’m going to avoid addressing the issue as just one applying to husbands, and address it in general. 

In our marriage, we were pretty typical; for the first year or so, our sex drives were pretty well matched. Most times I initiated, and she was more often than not, very willing to go along.

Then came the kids, and all the “distractions” that come with both pregnancy, and taking care of the little life that is now your responsibility to feed, clothe, and diaper. It was during the 2nd and 3rd year of our marriage, when the bedroom started to be much more of a place to fall into bed and sleep, then a place to have fun together sexually. It took a lot of give on both sides, and keeping the lines of communication open, to get back to where we are today.

But knowing how it feels doesn’t do anybody any good, unless we use that knowledge to help our LDS (husband or wife) understand. That’s what it took in our marriage, to turn things around. My wife had no clue what sex meant to me, and how it was so much more than “just the act” to me, until I sat her down, and lovingly explained how I felt, and poured out my heart to her about the hurt I was feeling from her constant rejection sexually.

So that’s what I want to do with this post. I want to offer the LDS a peak inside the mind of their HDS spouse, without even having to get off the couch (or computer, or whatever you’re reading this thing on). 😉

Five things your “high drive spouse” may never tell you – 

  • It’s part of who we are – As a HDS we need sex and lots of physical touch to feel loved. What does this mean to you? Well, let’s say you do EVERYTHING you can think of for us, that YOU would think shows us that you love us (cooking meals, cleaning the house, working on the lawn, caring for the house, etc, etc, etc) – we will still not feel loved without you being sexually open to us. It just doesn’t work. It’s like trying to put everything BUT gas in a car to make it run. It’s not going to work. We CRAVE the sexual relationship with our spouse, and without it, we feel unloved, un-cared for, and un-important.
  • We can’t just “turn it off” – I know as the LDS, it’s hard to understand this, but for us HD spouses, it’s a constant thing on our mind. It may not always be on the front burner, but it’s always there somewhere. Even if we just had sex, within a few hours, the thoughts like “I wonder when he/she’s going to want me again”, or “how long until I can convince him/her to love me like this again”, start to creep into our heads. We start to wonder if we’re “freaks” or  if there is something wrong with us, because you seem to not (or very rarely) ever NEED it like we do. That’s why we get so frustrated when you exclaim things like “that’s all you ever think about” or “just turn it off!”, because we don’t know how, and it makes us angry that we can’t.
  • The pain of “NO” becomes too hard to hear after a while – When a HDS asks their spouse for sex, it’s a HUGE thing to us. We usually have thought about asking, and what would be the best way, or what would go over the best, or what kind of mood you’re in, or how you may react – for a long time before we ask. It may have also taken us a while to get up the nerve to finally ask. So when we finally do, and you either brush it off, or roll your eyes, or give us a “oh come on, really?”, it hits us pretty deep. We of course don’t admit this most times, and try to make a half-hearted attempt at turning it into a “oh, it’s ok hon, if you’re not into it right now, don’t worry about it”, or something like that, but it hurts. We feel like we just put a very intimate part of ourselves out there, and you stomped on it. After a long period of “not tonight” responses, we tend to stop asking. Not because we don’t long to be with you, but because the pain of being rejected – yet again – hurts too much. To us it’s like burning your finger on a hot pan, and then going back the next day, and doing it again. After a while, it’s just worth it.
  • We don’t expect you to be us, we just want you to be “naked and smiling” – We understand you don’t have the drive that we do. We understand you’re not going to be raring to go at all hours of the day and night. We get that, and we’re fine with it! What we’re trying to ask for, and most times do a lousy time explaining, is we just want you to ACCEPT us for who we are. We already feel like there’s something “wrong with us” for wanting to have it 3 or 4 times a week, and you constantly telling us to “go take a cold shower”, or rolling your eyes like “are you kidding me?” makes us feel that way even more. There was a time where I started to hate my sex drive. I even looked for ways to get rid of it. I thought “if I can just get rid of this, we’d never argue about anything!”. But what we found out is that God created ME to have that drive, and have the not-so-fun-job of being the one that makes sure we don’t go to long without sex, a that we keep that connection, that the LDS doesn’t realize they want/need as much/bad as the HDS, but just don’t have the feelings to do so, without a little “un-burying” of those thoughts from the pile of other things that may still be on your mind from the rest of the day. That’s why if you as the LDS could just make enough effort at the start, to be “naked and smiling”, even if you may not even feel like sex at the moment, you’re showing us that you care about us, and love us enough as our wife/husband to say “I don’t really need it right now, but I realize that you do, and I’m the only one that can legitimately meet this need for you, and so I’m not going to only do it, but smile while I do.” There’s nothing that drives a HDS more batty, and hurts him/her more, then when you are perfectly able (not sick, pregnant, headache, flu, etc) to meet our need, but refuse to do so for no reason. It feels like you are just dangling a treat in front of our nose, and then putting it back in the drawer and saying “nope, maybe tomorrow”. Ouch! And did I mention super frustrating to a HDS? We just need you to be ok with who we are. We need you to love who we are. We’re ok with you saying “honey, I love you and I’ll do whatever you need, but I just can’t get crazy into it tonight”. That still says “I love and accept you”. What hurts is the refusal to love us for who we are.
  • Meeting a sexual need, doesn’t always mean intercourse – Please don’t misunderstand us here, if we’re asking for you to connect sexually with us, it doesn’t always have to mean full-blown intercourse. It can be as simple as rolling over with a smile on your face and saying “sounds like you need something taken care of” and helping us manually, or something to that effect. That does a TON for the HDS, when he/she is wanting to be intimate, but time/desire/energy just isn’t there at the time from the LDS. Don’t expect it to lessen the desire the next day to “fully connect” with you, but it goes a HUGE way in the heart of the HDS in showing him/her you love her, and understand his/her need – and while giving you some time to fully wrap your head around sex the next day.

Hey, you made it all the way to the end alive! Hopefully you’re not thinking you’re married to a complete wierdo after this, but instead have some sort of idea where your HDS is coming from.

What say you? 

 

Sex in Marriage; Are we REALLY willing to work on it?

relationship difficulties

 

Last week I put out the “Sex after kids survey” (head on over and take it if you haven’t, then come back), and while the results are still rolling in (we’ll post the full results in a couple of weeks), there are a few things that are proving overwhelmingly obvious already.

The first thing is when asked “what are the biggest issues in your sex life?” The three biggest responses by large margins are currently (in order from biggest to smallest) “tired”, “frequency”, and “don’t feel my spouse wants to work on it”.

Also, when asked what the current state of their sex lives were, the large majority of people respond “it’s just ok,  I think it could be a lot better if we worked at it more”.

I don’t know about you, but all that sure starts to sound familiar. Basically, what’s being said is “we would have a better sex life if we would work on in, and the number one reason we don’t, is we’re too tired.”

Let me put this another way. So most couples want a better sexual relationship. Most couples feel it could be better if they worked on it. And most couples would do so, if they weren’t so tired. Huh. Go ahead and read that again. I’ll wait. Got it? Ok good, so in general, the biggest obstacle to enjoying the sex life with your spouse that God designed you to have, and you deeply desire (even if you don’t realize it), is that we pack so much into our day, that we are too exhausted to invest in our marriage? Yeah, that really makes sense.

My dad always told me “you probably shouldn’t complain about something you’re not willing to work on. I didn’t like it as a kid, and I don’t really like it as an adult, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

I guess what I’m saying, is that sometimes we don’t really like where we are in our marriage, but we don’t dislike it ENOUGH, to actually WORK on it. This is especially true with our sex lives. We convince ourselves “it’s too much work” to talk about it, and re-hash the “same argument” that always ends the same way (or so we say).

Or if it’s just “being tired” that is holding you back, maybe it’s time to take a serious look at the ol’ day planner, and figure out how big of a priority your marriage really is. Does it come before golf, or video games, or working on the yard, or the house, or hanging out with your buddies, or (insert your own blank)? Maybe it’s time to readjust your schedule a bit as to not leave you totally drained when your finally get around to seeing your spouse.

Sorry if this is harsh, but believe me, I’m talking to myself here – maybe it’s time to “put up or shut up” when it comes to taking responsibility for your marriage, and sex life. If you don’t like where your sex life is right now, are you working on it? Are you taking steps to communicate, and improve?  Or is it easier to just keep channel surfing?

Sexual Satisfaction Survey Results Part 1 – What Our Wives Wish They Could Tell Us

A little over two weeks ago Mission:Husband and Mission:Wife ran a set of “sexual satisfaction surveys” – one for Husbands, and one for the Wives. We had almost 800 responses combined, and the results show a lot of what we already know: sex is a LARGE issue in most marriages.

But here’s the deal – It’s easy to take surveys like this, look at the results, and then make some comment like “Wow, did you see these results honey? I can’t believe some guys are really like that to their wives!” or “Can you believe 80% of marriages think their sex lives could use some work!?” without even stopping to think about how you could improve in your own relationship.

Instead, as we read through these comments and results, we need to have the attitude of “Lord, show me what I need to change in my own heart, to be a better husband sexually to my wife. Not just sit here make myself feel better about my marriage, because it’s ‘not as bad as this couple’s’.”  It’s funny how we can use things like this to go, “see hon, we’re not as bad as those guys”, when really your wife is going “he doesn’t get it, does he? Does he now realize we have some of the same issues?”.

That being said, instead of overwhelming you with the all the results at one time, we are going to be splitting it up into several posts. The way I want to attack it, is by taking the results from the ladies survey, and really dig into them, and use them to understand where we’re falling short as Husbands, and what our wives are trying to tell us – if we would TRY to listen and understand.

The first part (and maybe the most sobering) of the survey that I want to share, is when we asked the question: “If you could get across one thing to your husband about sex, and know that you could say it in a way that she would totally understand it, what would it be?”. Some of the answers were pretty positive, but others were filled with pain and hurt. I want to share these with you in their raw form. Nothing has been edited or changed in any way. Now I’m warning you, some of these are going to be hard to read, and may hit a little close to home. Also, there are a LOT of them, but I feel it’s important to grasp any insight we can on how we need to bring up our game as husbands, and be more in tune with what they are truly feeling in this area.

Here are the responses from our wives:

have more confidence

romance me, please!

spend more time together

I enjoy it better as I get older.

This: I STILL am attacked with fear and hurt over your past, wondering if I’m “as good as”, and feeling like intimacy has been stolen from us along with “firsts”.
Or this: I feel so ugly and unattractive, and I hear so many messages to that effect. You are my only weapon against that, and when you “want me” and enjoy me I feel beautiful; and a lot of times, I don’t initiate because I feel so ugly.

I desire you, and time with you, more than we can act on it.

That God designed it to be so much more than what he learned in the locker room, in porn, in the movies and from the guys at work. Let go of all that influence and seek God instead and our sex life will be the hottest ever!

I would like for him to make sex more of a priority than where it is now. 

Foreplay is important, but change it up sometimes. The same thing every time gets old and frankly it quits working!!

The little things you do during the day make all the difference in the world. Knowing you have put thought into things that would turn me on, is very exciting!

 I really need him to be willing to talk about it

more foreplay!

I need advanced notice. Get me thinking about it. I will be excited for it if i know its coming but if you just spring it on me when im not ready for it, good luck getting me anywhere near the big “O”. Also, helping with daily chores is a huge turn on!

I wish we would have it more often…and I wish that when we did have it, it would more often be “romantic” and not just quick and to the point.

That the way to my body is through my mind.

I feel uncomfortable with it because I feel like he is not attracted enough to me.

I would like to feel a little more romanced sometimes and feel like my body is a wonderland to him sometimes (except for the times when it calls for a “quicky”. It is necessary to have “quickies” sometimes ;))

more foreplay would be great

More foreplay!!! More is more!! 

Foreplay begins before the bedroom

I’d like more foreplay and romance sometimes

I need to trust him with my emotions to have a better sex life

Hold me more outside of the. Bedroom!

I want him to engage me a little more, to feel like he stops to pay attention to me and is interested in knowing me more.
my desire for sex is low but I still love him very much.

What I like changes each day depending on my body and emotions.

Just because I don’t feel like having sex doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or want you.

I have more than 3 spots that I like touched

If I feel like you are in a hurry, it makes it take longer for me to get excited. Very gentle touch is more exciting to the sensitive areas.

Sex is not the only valuable time together as a couple.

If we do non-sexual things together that fulfill my love language I would be more willing/desirous to have sex.

I wish he would understand how difficult it is for me to switch from “mommy mode” to “wife mode” — I find it VERY hard to concentrate on sex when the baby wakes up and starts “calling” (read: crying) from her bedroom.

I know you asked for one thing, but here’s a bonus thing. 🙂 I wish my husband would pay better attention to privacy. I keep the windows open as much as possible whenever the weather allows, and sometimes when he gets the bedroom “ready for sex,” he closes the curtains but doesn’t shut the windows! I hate that. We live in a highly populated area. And then when I notice that they aren’t shut, he just wants to keep going. I really don’t like that! I guess this isn’t something I really need to explain… he knows I don’t like it, and I know he just forgets, so it’s not a huge deal. I just need to double-check that the windows are closed, lol. 🙂

I wish he would understand how much his indifference to my advances hurts, I feel like I do almost all the “work” on our sex life, and he just enjoys it.

Men are microwaves, women are crockpots in bed…also men can flick a switch and get turned on, women may need all day of her love language being met to want to have sex.

Foreplay would help me enjoy sex with you more…let me know you love me after sex, not just “thank you”.

He is cold and indifferent

I don’t feel fulfilled, I haven’t had an orgasm in months except through masturbation. I feel unimportant and undesired.

start love-making before we het to the bedroom

I wish he wouldn’t be as hung up on oral sex as he is.

Sometimes I get so caught up in all the things that need done that I forget that I like, enjoy and need sex, and him. I wish that he was braver about pulling me away from all the cares of the world and reminding me that he needs and wants my attention. Between distractions of work, caring for the home, and my hormones being a wreck, my desire is lower than it should be and so I just need to be reminded that he would rather have a warm bed than a clean house.

I do love you and I want to please you sexually, but I also want you to take your time to please me too.

Be patient with me.

Sometimes I need reassurance that I am the only one.

Foreplay

Take time to warm me up. Don’t just grab and think I want to have sex.
*It is not personal if I don’t want it. It could be the kids, the ex, work, money.
*I always want it once we start fooling around, even if you don’t think I’m into it. If I am in your bed (and we are married so I am)…I am into it.
*I don’t initiate because I feel weird and I REALLY like it when you initiate. It is NOT because I don’t want you.
*I’d love you to talk to me during sex (quietly, dirty, sexually), and you can whisper in my ear when you walk by all day long which might make me initiate! Your voice is amazing.
*Get me ready all day, stop what you are doing and kiss me, come hug me, make me stop and hug and kiss you.

sometimes it just takes more mental energy than I have right now

It bring deep deep pain when you reject me

please initiate more

It’s hard for me to be in the mood when you’re pissy and irritable, then turn around and clamp your hand on top of me as a way of initiating sex.

Help with the dishes and keep things simmering through the day with kisses helpful acts and occasional flowers. Watching TV while I clean up is a turn off!

Please want me!

Our relationship outside the bedroom has to be good in order for our sex life to be good

I’d tell him that I greatly desire him but it takes me a lot longer than it takes him to be ready for sex.

I want to”know” his every desire and try to fulfil him completely, if only he would open up to me.

When you pursue me, I want it more. I don’t want it to become monotonous.

That I can’t just turn it on at the drop of a hat, at the end of a long day.

I would like to make love more often.

Need more physical touch

I often feel hurt that he does not implement proven stress reduction techniques that would, hopefully, increase his sex drive.

we need variety

I think I could live without actual orgasm sex if we did those loving things

Sometimes I am just too tired. We have a special needs child and life is even more busy for me than for most stay-at-home moms. I would like him to really understand the few times I tell him “Not tonight, please” I am not rejecting HIM. He is good about being understanding, but I think it’s still hard for him to fully grasp that it’s not a personal rejection. That’s really my only complaint about our sex life!

Please could you care enough to take the time to bring me to orgasm (at least occasionally). I don’t need to orgasm every time, but occasionally it would be wonderful to experience that with you. I feel like it’s not important to you and that you don’t care enough to learn how. It leaves me feeling very upset/frustrated and not one bit closer to you. You don’t know how many times I go to sleep with tears in my eyes.

My largest sexual organ is my brain! Build emotional intimacy and trust. Have patience in foreplay then the physical will be great! Be present. Look at me when we make love. Hold me afterwards.

I wish he would pursue me more like he did when we were first married. He knows I won’t refuse now, and I think it takes some of the pursuit aspect away from it. I miss it. It’s a vital part of making me feel attractive and loved.

I AM often tired! It’s not just an excuse.

I’m truly sorry it takes me so long to orgasm.

I’d like him to do more housework so I wouldn’t be so stressed and would be more in the mood for sex

Honey, you’ve been married before and cheated on. You ask me all the time if I would cheat on you and my answer is ALWAYS the same. NEVER! We’ve been married for 7 yrs and I can count the # of times we’ve made love on my fingers and toes! I feel like your roommate, not your wife! Why are you so unwilling to see a doctor about your total lack of desire?

I need more foreplay when we are in the bedroom, and more talking before we are in the bedroom.

If he could help me to get more sleep, we would have lots more sex!

I like the fun stuff, a lot, but I like to throw some romance in occasionally too. It doesn’t always have to be hot and heavy, it can be slow and sweet and just as great! And if I got that part every now and then it would make me feel like you understood me a little bit more.

I need you to want me more

That it is important. Too important to not find a way and means to do it and do it well.

That he would spend time to talk deeply with me, share deeply with me, increase non-sexual touch.

I love it 🙂 I think he knows that though!

It’s so much more than getting in bed and starting things. It’s a relationship end and means. Otherwise I just feel used.

I want to feel desired and making love fulfills that.

I understand that you need sex to feel loved, but please understand that I need connection to feel loved.

Please shower first.

My sexual desire for you is not neediness

I love you so much, and I love having sex with you. But sometimes, I’m honestly just too tired. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I think you can’t satisfy me. I enjoy making love to you, but some nights I am just exhausted. 

I love him. I love sex. Really.

all of the little things that he does during the day really do add up to make me even more willing to have sex whenever he wants.

Initiate and show just as much interest. Don’t make me feel like I’m inconveniencing you when I say I really want sex.

It starts looking before the act.

You’re almost there, but I take a long time to warm up!

sometimes I am just really tired and don’t want to.

Take more time on the rest of my body first, then move to the sexual areas.

It’s not a deal breaker for me. There are other things that rank higher than sex to make me feel good.

I really need him to pursue me all the time, not just sexually. I need to know I’m his treasure and that he needs me and wants me in EVERY way.

The “little things (romancing, flowers, stolen kisses, etc.) speak volumes to my heart, just like sex speaks volumes to yours. (Not to misunderstand – sex with you is awesome, too!) *smile*

I NEED sex. It’s not just a desire, but a need.

I want to feel like he loves me with my clothes on as much as he loves me with my clothes off. More affection and attention that’s non-sexual.

Just how important it is to a marriage regardless of weight gain, time, child, etc. It’s importantly for a women to feel wanted sexually too

He had prostrate cancer and that is why we are not having sex!!!

its enjoyable and let;s just be able to communicate better with each other

We’ve come a long, long way. In the early years it was frustrating. Now, the only thing I can think I’d like to communicate is just how “Wow!” he is 🙂 

I love him to pieces and want to make him happy. I understand how important sex is to him, and really do enjoy it when we have it. That my menopausal body is throwing me some curve balls with regard to desire and fatigue is in no way a reflection of how I feel about HIM. So I appreciate his willingness to postpone sex for when I can be awake enough to be an actual partner.

You rock it! Let’s do it MORE!

Time together outside the bedroom makes time in the bedroom better

It takes time for a woman to get as turned on/excited as men do.

You are allowed to invite yourself in. You don’t have to wait for me to tell you that you’re good to go. Foreplay shouldn’t last three hours just because you are waiting for the all clear signal because I don’t know what the signal is. It would be nice if it ‘just happened’ now and again. I’m exhausted just waiting and it shouldn’t be up to me every single time.

I want him to want me

That I need to feel like he thinks I sexy and he desires me

I want to feel like he adores me and my body

I want more of it

Be confident and not afraid. Connect to me and know me.

For a woman, sex begins outside the bedroom. I want to feel cherished, unconditionally loved, be seen as a fun person to just hang out with, romance me…

If you want me to warm up to you and be a willing, adventurous partner, then please take the time to show me that I’m important to you in all the other areas of our life (children, home, chores, goals, etc.), not just the bedroom.

I wish he could understand that sex is an intimate, spiritual experience for me. I crave the “connection” more than the physical release.. and I want more of it!

I’m sensual all over, not just in in small erogenous zones.

I would like to have sex with you more, but I know that with your health problems your drive isn’t as much as mine.

I would like it a little more frequently, but he already knows this and tries very hard.

The issues with sex in our marriage are not about my husband, but about me. I would tell him that I love him but there is something wrong with me and my ability to feel safe in sex.

That sex is important to a strong marriage and that we should be having sex a lot. If he has a lack of desire, then he needs to be praying about that or seeking medical attention, whatever needs to happen to make him more willing to have sex more often.

You suck

How kind you are to me the rest of the day– the opportunities you give me to relax, the more we converse about important (rather than trivial) things, the more you make me feel really cherished, will determine how fast and far I can go if we have sex that evening. Also, when you initiate, please show some consideration and don’t wait until I’m tucked under the covers and ready to go to sleep. I have to wake up early!

When he rejects my advances, I feel he is ultimately rejecting me. Why? I have given up everything for him and he won’t do this one thing for me.

I feel guilty a lot from past sexual abuse experiences which makes me fear and have anxiety about sex, it takes time for me to get over what happened (this is also for myself to understand).

I am learning how important a healthy sex life is for a great marriage and I wish he was willing to work on it with me.

You gotta climb the palm tree like Mark Unger says

hold me, snuggle, spooning with clothes on in bed

talk to me!!! before during and after, and cuddle more, touch more, the non sexual kind too

That the more connected I feel to him is directly related to how I feel about things on the bedroom

I’m not sure. I think it would be that I don’t have to orgasm every time that we have sex. He feels disappointed if I don’t and he doesn’t need to. It still feels good even if I don’t achieve orgasm.

That it is as important to me as it is to him, it’s just that sometimes it feels like a lot of work to achieve orgasm, and sometimes I’m just too tired to start into the whole process.

That I want to be with you that way! Not only men like sex; I like it, and find it important to our relationship.

On the nights that I truly am exhausted and I know his desire is to make love, I wish that we could just hold one another and me not feel guilt for putting him off til morning. He says it’s OK but I can’t get over feeling like he is put out….even though he is always nice about it. He has a hard time just holding me and our skin touching without getting aroused..which isn’t a bad thing, just makes it hard when I’m sleepy.

I need to know you think I’m desirable. I need you to communicate that. I need you to look AT my body and appreciate it. I want to feel wanted by you

I need to feel like you want sex too, not that it is just me who is aroused. I also feel that you get frustrated with how long it takes me to orgasm but that’s because you don’t take enough time to get me warmed up.

I am the OPPOSITE of you. I need to feel loved to have sex where as you need to have sex to feel loved.

That it begins long before the act itself…the way he treats me throughout the day impacts my desire for sex.

I don’t want anal sex. When he suggests it, it makes me feel like I can’t please him the “normal” way and I feel less confident in my sexual abilities.

Whatever happened to you in your past, please stop avoiding it and move forward. I think I could love you again if you could stop hiding.

Oral sex helps me enjoy sex, let us do it.

That sex isn’t just in the bedroom, the foreplay begins before, with loving words, touching, sexual banter…etc

My sex drive is closely tied with how we’re doing as a couple. When we’re doing well, I am very interested in sex!

knowing you find me unattractive makes it hard to initiate or enjoy sex

There is nothing. We are totally open about everything and feel one about our relationship. We discuss that many times after sex. It’s such a blessing!!! Communication is the key and not being offended at each other by their opinions or needs. If Phil 2 is practiced then it all works out…let each of you consider the other more important than himself…My husband’s goal has always been my pleasure and my goal has been his pleasure. Win/win. We have been through times that it has taken an extended amount of time due to my hormones plummeting when I nurse and I have nursed 9 children in 18yrs but he has always been focused on me thus I have always feel loved!! Yes, we have 9 children and I was yr shy of my master’s degree when we married. God’s way=abundance!!!

I want to learn to orgasm but don’t want to feel like that’s the focus of every session.

His lack of drive makes me feel undesired, unloved and unwanted. I enjoy very much the sex we do have and I want more.

I want to be pursued, and I want more sex, but I don’t want to pressure him — I know his energy (and maybe hormone?) levels are often low.

I need more intimacy emotionally.

If we haven’t seen each other in a few days (due to business trips, etc) don’t assume I want to have sex right away. I need to hear everything you’ve done and I want to tell you what I’ve been up to. Yes, sometimes I might pounce on you, but I need to know how you are (most of the time) and spend some time together – I need to feel cared for and appreciated before we move to the bedroom…or couch…or where ever the urge takes us! It makes me feel safer and more able to be vulnerable once I know where you are emotionally and that I’m the only one for you.

I need the non physical touch and verbal connection more in order to respond and be engaged.

I stay home all day with the kid and I know you need your down time when you come in the door. However, I need some down time too. I am constantly “on call”. Don’t get me wrong; I love you and our family! I need you to “want to spend time” with the kids and not tune out in TV land or go hunting. Where does that leave me? ~o~

Sometimes I just want a quickie.

I wish we would be more adventurous like we were when we first married (different positions, more oral, etc) and that I really love it when he initiates!

It starts with my heart not my body. If it started out right, it would end right, with my body following willing and unabashedly behind. And, when I say I am tired, that usually means that I am needing rest, not activity. Let me rest, then sex will be much better.

Less frequency, more mutual enjoyment 

I want to be wanted for me, not for sex

I’d like you to initiate more often.

More frequency would help.

Let’s make it a priority ( his idea is we’ll work at it l8er when we hav more time… I know that’s not reality in life… Hello!)

I don’t need foreplay, I’d rather get straight to the point and I’d like sex at least twice per day 4-5 days per week.

I like the soft tone of his voice when we are together and alone. It is a turn on for me and he knows it.

More forplay and the type of forplay

It is very important to have the bond sex creates

Men and women’s bodies are different. Don’t touch me the way you like to be touched.

It’s not him, it’s me.

I’ve never had an orgasm during sex, but don’t want to say so in a way that it sounds as if I am blaming him, because I’m not. I would appreciate it if he’d be more patient and try to help me out in that area (so to speak).

I still struggle a bit with body image. It doesn’t stop things, but it is the occasional hiccup.

His physical attraction to me is a big deal to me. I can’t compete with every other woman he sees and after having (his) 5 kids, I don’t look like I did before kids, plus I’m older. Having him reaffirm his attraction to me gives me a huge, huge boost in confidence and makes me a more willing partner. Sounds vain, but that’s where I’m at right now.

Come right out and ask for it, rather than hint around.

It’s not you, I’m am seriously just too tired

Foreplay is more than just kissing and touching my breasts. I like to be touched and stroked everywhere.

the more flirtatious touching, both clothed and unclothed, the better; and not just at bedtime. I want to GO to the bedroom ready to orgasm and not have to be brought there after getting to the bedroom.

It could be better than it is now if we work on some things.

don’t be afraid to ask or tell me what you want or how you want it done … I feel like I”m the only one that tells or asks for changes or different things to be done a different way, faster, slower, more less etc.

I need more non-sexual touch and less sexual touch outside the bedroom!!!

Just to get him to want a physical/sexual relationship. He has next to no interest. We can go months between making love.

I left the consistent issue in marriage blank because none of those apply to our marriage. Also I only selected one reason we don’t have sex everyday and that’s because we have kids. Doing this quiz has made me realize just how lucky I am to be your wife. Thanks for loving me and together we have the perfect sex life and a very happy marriage. I love you so much!

I am So. Darn. Tired! Sex is HARD when my body just wants to shut down and sleep! I love him, but my body is DONE by 10:30 pm. If he wants more sex, we need to do it earlier in the day

Make me feel loved and I will WANT to make love!

Just go for it. It’s not “no”, it’s just not right now

Be a little more gentle and slow, give me more time to understand how to achieve orgasm

Act like you like me at other times as well. It isn’t always, but sometimes I feel like that is the only time he really cares about me

That I need foreplay for it to be comfortable (still a virgin)- there is NONE and he’s too impatient to try any so we haven’t been able to have sex ever and we have been married over a year. But unfortunately he’s “okay with it” because I am able to help him get a release in other ways even if I am unable to get a release myself (he won’t touch me but for his own satisfaction).

I need it & it makes us closer, so please stop being selfish with your body.

Make me feel like you love me with my clothes on and I may be more willing to take them off. 

Stay tuned for more results from the survey…