Posts Tagged ‘ sexual urge ’

Sex; It’s NOT just about YOU.

This is another “most popular” post from 2012…

As guys, we think sex is pretty awesome. In fact, we’d probably have a hard time thinking of something that we like doing more.

But how long has it been since we took  a hard look at what we’re doing to make sex just as enjoyable for our wives? Whether we’d like to admit it or not, we can get a little selfish in this area if we’re not careful. Part of being the husband God intended you to be, is MAKING SURE that you’re doing everything in your power to ensure your wife is reaching climax (if she desires one – more about that later), and that you are asking her what she likes, what feels good, what things she would like to try, what positions she likes best, etc. So often without even realizing it, us guys tend to do what feels good to us, without taking the time to even ask her what would make it better for her. If we want our wives to be as excited about making love as we are most of the time, I think it would be wise on our part to constantly be working on the following things –

The “Big O” – If you haven’t figured it out by now, women take a whole lot longer to “warm up” sexually, than us guys do. Think of it as a microwave vs. a crock pot. While men can be “ready to go” at the drop of a hat (or panties), and able to climax within a few minutes, most of our wives need some time to get there mentally, before the arousal process can even start. Now here’s the other thing guys –

there are times that our wives are totally happy with having intercourse without having an orgasm. This makes about as much sense to us guys as mowing the lawn without turning the lawn mower on, but it’s true.

Remember, sex is not all about the physical act to them. There is a lot of emotional connecting going on during sex for women too. That said, if she DOES desire to have an orgasm, we need to make sure that we are taking the time to slow down and help her get there. Since most of the time it’s hard for women to climax through penetration alone, this means we need to be ready to help her with our hands, or orally. Also – don’t get in such a hurry to start the “main event” that you make her feel pressured to “hurry up and make it happen already!” or make her think she’s “taking to long“. This will only make things worse. If you are having a hard time finding the right spot or speed, have your wife show you with her hand what feels good. Then try to simulate that. Communication is the key here. Don’t be too shy to ask her what she wants you to do. We’d like to think we are natural “masters” as satisfying our wives in bed, but most times there are things she wishes we would do, and if we’re too proud/shy to ask, we’ll never get any better. 

Vibrators/Toys – There are lots of different opinions out there on whether or not sex toys/aids are good/ok to use in the marriage bed. I’m not going to get into all that in this post. What I am going to do is give you what has worked for us, and then you can make the judgement for yourselves on what works/is appropriate for you.  What we’ve found with 3 small kids, and not always having a large amount of time to have “gourmet sex” every time, is while my wife may be interested/up for sex, the idea of spending enough time for her to become fully aroused, and able to climax manually, is somewhat daunting after a long day with the kids and 10pm approaching rapidly. So, after our first child was born, we decided to look for something to help her be able to “speed up the process” a little for those times when we wanted to enjoy each other sexually, but didn’t have time/energy for the “4 course meal” version of sex. We wanted something that could be used during penetration, but wanted to be careful because we found some medical articles with evidence that long-term use of a vibrator can damage the nerve endings of the clitoris and make it harder for a woman to orgasm without it. So, after quite a bit of research, we found something that doesn’t vibrate, but instead “oscillates” (moves rapidly in a “back and forth” motion) that we really like, and is nice to have when she desires to climax, but may not have a lot of time. Do we always use it when we make love? No. Is it nice to have something that helps her climax much faster when she desires it, but we don’t have a lot of time? Very. I feel that there are times our wives may say “no”  to sex on any given night, due to the pressure they feel from us (spoken or unspoken) to have an orgasm. If they are on the fence already about having sex (long day, tired, etc), the thought of having to spend 20 minutes to “get herself there” may just be the push she needs to say “not tonight”, because it seems like such a daunting task after a long day. This gives her an option where she can still climax and enjoy sexual time with her husband, but not be discouraged, and in turn distracted, because it’s “talking so long”. (Note: If you would like to know what we use,  drop me an email, and we’d be glad to share with you what we found that has helped us. Believe it or not, there are still some things even marriage bloggers don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public blog post 😉 )

Lube up! – Another thing that can make sex less enjoyable, or even downright painful for your wife is lack of lubrication. If we rush right through the foreplay, and within a couple of minutes, try to enter her, odds are, she’s not going to magically be wet and ready to go. Remember the crock pot analogy? She needs some time to warm up! Without using any kind of lube, a woman needs between 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay (of course all women are different, but in general) to become  naturally lubricated enough for intercourse. What’s the moral to the story here? Get a bottle of good lube and keep it handy! The best one we have found (hands down) is the “Pjur Eros Original Body Glide Lube”, found on Amazon.com or most other sexual aid sites. It doesn’t dry up, doesn’t make a huge mess, and lasts for a long time. We have been through a lot of different brands/formulas, but always come running back to this one. Oh, and still not convinced you need lube? Try having your wife manually stimulate you without using any – it’s funny how fast you will change your mind.

What has worked in the past, may not work now – If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will: You’re in bed, doing that thing that you know is always a “home run” in the “what I like in bed” category for your wife. At some point you look up however, to see a “less than thrilled”  or even a *gasp!* bored look on her face. You panic, wondering what in the world am I doing wrong? Relax! You’re not doing anything wrong. This is a really hard one for us guys to grasp sense for us it’s a “one movement fits all” thing, but for our wives it all can change due to pregnancy, time of the month, or sometimes I wonder – the color of the sky that day. (That was a joke) The thing to remember is DON’T get discouraged, or think you’ve lost your touch. Let her talk you through what now feels better, and don’t take it personally. Too often we take any form of rejection in bed (no matter how small), as an attack on us. It’s not.

Be a “student” of your Wife – I mentioned a little bit of this above, but what I’m trying to get at is always be looking for ways you can improve at pleasing her in the bedroom. Don’t settle for “good enough” and stop there. Doesn’t matter if you’re a new husband and don’t have a clue, or a husband that’s been married 40 years, there’s always room to get better! Don’t become complacent!

Don’t be afraid to laugh together! – As guys, we look at things in life as “tasks”. We need to get something done, so we form a plan on the best way to accomplish it, what we need to buy, what tools we need, etc. We know that if we have the “right tools” for the job, and a good plan, we will succeed. We “can’t fail” if we plan carefully (or so we try to convince ourselves). Here in lies the problem: If we try to transfer that attitude to the bedroom, we end up becoming frustrated if we’re doing something during lovemaking, and it’s not working like it was “supposed to”. This leads to an uneasy tension, and that is NOT good in what was supposed to be a time of connection between husband and wife. At this point we’ve lost the whole point. If something doesn’t work, LAUGH a little! This is supposed to be fun remember? We get so lost in “it has to happen this way”, that we lose sight of what we’re really supposed to be accomplishing overall. Sex is one of the greatest gifts God has given a married couple. Let’s make sure we are being patient, and helping our brides get the pleasure that God created her to get out of it. So get out there and get to work husbands! This is not exactly the worst job you’ve ever been given. 😉

Five Things Your “High Drive Spouse” May Never Tell You –

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In most marriages, there is a “higher drive spouse” (HDS) and a “lower drive spouse” (LDS). If this doesn’t apply to your marriage, you can safely disregard this post.

In most cases, the Husband is the HDS, and the wife is the LDS, but this is becoming more and more not the case. A great resource for wives who are the HDS, is  “Spice & Love – A Higher Drive Wife”. Because of this, I’m going to avoid addressing the issue as just one applying to husbands, and address it in general. 

In our marriage, we were pretty typical; for the first year or so, our sex drives were pretty well matched. Most times I initiated, and she was more often than not, very willing to go along.

Then came the kids, and all the “distractions” that come with both pregnancy, and taking care of the little life that is now your responsibility to feed, clothe, and diaper. It was during the 2nd and 3rd year of our marriage, when the bedroom started to be much more of a place to fall into bed and sleep, then a place to have fun together sexually. It took a lot of give on both sides, and keeping the lines of communication open, to get back to where we are today.

But knowing how it feels doesn’t do anybody any good, unless we use that knowledge to help our LDS (husband or wife) understand. That’s what it took in our marriage, to turn things around. My wife had no clue what sex meant to me, and how it was so much more than “just the act” to me, until I sat her down, and lovingly explained how I felt, and poured out my heart to her about the hurt I was feeling from her constant rejection sexually.

So that’s what I want to do with this post. I want to offer the LDS a peak inside the mind of their HDS spouse, without even having to get off the couch (or computer, or whatever you’re reading this thing on). 😉

Five things your “high drive spouse” may never tell you – 

  • It’s part of who we are – As a HDS we need sex and lots of physical touch to feel loved. What does this mean to you? Well, let’s say you do EVERYTHING you can think of for us, that YOU would think shows us that you love us (cooking meals, cleaning the house, working on the lawn, caring for the house, etc, etc, etc) – we will still not feel loved without you being sexually open to us. It just doesn’t work. It’s like trying to put everything BUT gas in a car to make it run. It’s not going to work. We CRAVE the sexual relationship with our spouse, and without it, we feel unloved, un-cared for, and un-important.
  • We can’t just “turn it off” – I know as the LDS, it’s hard to understand this, but for us HD spouses, it’s a constant thing on our mind. It may not always be on the front burner, but it’s always there somewhere. Even if we just had sex, within a few hours, the thoughts like “I wonder when he/she’s going to want me again”, or “how long until I can convince him/her to love me like this again”, start to creep into our heads. We start to wonder if we’re “freaks” or  if there is something wrong with us, because you seem to not (or very rarely) ever NEED it like we do. That’s why we get so frustrated when you exclaim things like “that’s all you ever think about” or “just turn it off!”, because we don’t know how, and it makes us angry that we can’t.
  • The pain of “NO” becomes too hard to hear after a while – When a HDS asks their spouse for sex, it’s a HUGE thing to us. We usually have thought about asking, and what would be the best way, or what would go over the best, or what kind of mood you’re in, or how you may react – for a long time before we ask. It may have also taken us a while to get up the nerve to finally ask. So when we finally do, and you either brush it off, or roll your eyes, or give us a “oh come on, really?”, it hits us pretty deep. We of course don’t admit this most times, and try to make a half-hearted attempt at turning it into a “oh, it’s ok hon, if you’re not into it right now, don’t worry about it”, or something like that, but it hurts. We feel like we just put a very intimate part of ourselves out there, and you stomped on it. After a long period of “not tonight” responses, we tend to stop asking. Not because we don’t long to be with you, but because the pain of being rejected – yet again – hurts too much. To us it’s like burning your finger on a hot pan, and then going back the next day, and doing it again. After a while, it’s just worth it.
  • We don’t expect you to be us, we just want you to be “naked and smiling” – We understand you don’t have the drive that we do. We understand you’re not going to be raring to go at all hours of the day and night. We get that, and we’re fine with it! What we’re trying to ask for, and most times do a lousy time explaining, is we just want you to ACCEPT us for who we are. We already feel like there’s something “wrong with us” for wanting to have it 3 or 4 times a week, and you constantly telling us to “go take a cold shower”, or rolling your eyes like “are you kidding me?” makes us feel that way even more. There was a time where I started to hate my sex drive. I even looked for ways to get rid of it. I thought “if I can just get rid of this, we’d never argue about anything!”. But what we found out is that God created ME to have that drive, and have the not-so-fun-job of being the one that makes sure we don’t go to long without sex, a that we keep that connection, that the LDS doesn’t realize they want/need as much/bad as the HDS, but just don’t have the feelings to do so, without a little “un-burying” of those thoughts from the pile of other things that may still be on your mind from the rest of the day. That’s why if you as the LDS could just make enough effort at the start, to be “naked and smiling”, even if you may not even feel like sex at the moment, you’re showing us that you care about us, and love us enough as our wife/husband to say “I don’t really need it right now, but I realize that you do, and I’m the only one that can legitimately meet this need for you, and so I’m not going to only do it, but smile while I do.” There’s nothing that drives a HDS more batty, and hurts him/her more, then when you are perfectly able (not sick, pregnant, headache, flu, etc) to meet our need, but refuse to do so for no reason. It feels like you are just dangling a treat in front of our nose, and then putting it back in the drawer and saying “nope, maybe tomorrow”. Ouch! And did I mention super frustrating to a HDS? We just need you to be ok with who we are. We need you to love who we are. We’re ok with you saying “honey, I love you and I’ll do whatever you need, but I just can’t get crazy into it tonight”. That still says “I love and accept you”. What hurts is the refusal to love us for who we are.
  • Meeting a sexual need, doesn’t always mean intercourse – Please don’t misunderstand us here, if we’re asking for you to connect sexually with us, it doesn’t always have to mean full-blown intercourse. It can be as simple as rolling over with a smile on your face and saying “sounds like you need something taken care of” and helping us manually, or something to that effect. That does a TON for the HDS, when he/she is wanting to be intimate, but time/desire/energy just isn’t there at the time from the LDS. Don’t expect it to lessen the desire the next day to “fully connect” with you, but it goes a HUGE way in the heart of the HDS in showing him/her you love her, and understand his/her need – and while giving you some time to fully wrap your head around sex the next day.

Hey, you made it all the way to the end alive! Hopefully you’re not thinking you’re married to a complete wierdo after this, but instead have some sort of idea where your HDS is coming from.

What say you? 

 

“She just doesn’t get it!” – and other things we husbands exclaim about sex.

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Ever been there? You’re trying your hardest to explain to your wife that you “need sex more often as a way to connect and feel close to her”, and all she’s hearing is “she’s not good enough” and “no matter how hard I she tries, she’s not enough”. You keep arguing for a while, but after a while, you either decide it’s not worth it to argue about anymore, or you just give up and walk away feeling hurt and like you somehow “don’t matter to her” because obviously if you did, she would see  how much sex means to you, and be more willing oblige you.

Ok, I think we’ve all been there at least one time in our marriage. So what do you do about it? What can you do? After all, if she doesn’t want to have sex, it’s pretty hard to “make her” want you.

Well, first let’s start with what you DON’T want to do:

Shut Down – Don’t pull the “well fine, I’m going to give you the silent treatment” thing on her. I know it’s hard, but be the bigger person, keep your commitment to love her no matter what, and do your best to stay emotionally open to her.

Pout – Kind of like the “shut down” thing, but a little more childish. I don’t even need to explain it – you know what I’m talking about, and it’s not attractive.

Ask, and ask, and ask, and ask – You know how annoying it is when your child keeps asking to play Nintendo, or buy something, and no matter how many times you say “no”, they just keep going? Does it make you want to give them what they want any more? No. Ok, so why would it work on your wife? She knows you want/need it. She hasn’t forgotten. So quit begging.

Watch porn instead “Well, it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t care about my needs, so it’s “ok” if I satisfy my physical need with a little porn. It’s not like I’m hurting anything”. WARNING: That is a LIE straight from hell. Satan would like NOTHING MORE than to see the intimacy in your marriage torn apart, and the fastest way he can do this, is wedge porn in between you and your wife. It DOES hurt someone, it hurts YOU! It might not feel like it at the time, but PLEASE UNDERSTAND it brings nothing but PAIN and DYSFUNCTION to your marriage. Oh, and by the way, it might give you something to satisfy the physical urge with, but it will do NOTHING to satisfy the need you still have to have sex with your wife. Just the OPPOSITE – now, you will be struggling to get the images of other women out of your mind, as you make love to your wife. It’s NOT WORTH IT. Run from it. 

Ok, so those are some things to AVOID, now let’s look at things that might HELP the situation:

Pray for her – There’s nothing more powerful than praying for your spouse. And when I say “pray for her”, I don’t mean “complain about her” in prayer. Don’t start with “Lord, what the heck is wrong with the woman you gave me?” Instead, pour your heart out to God. Ask him to bless your marriage, in EVERY aspect, and show you ways you can be a better husband, even if she isn’t totally meeting your needs right now. Ask Him to soften her heart towards you, and let her see what you’re really trying to get across to her.

Don’t ask more than every 48 hours – Don’t ask me how I know this, but for some reason, if you ask MORE than that, you’ll hear a lot of “that’s all you ever want!” from your wife. Most times it’s better to wait 3 days to ask again, but if you “can’t wait” that long, at least 48 hours is usually good enough to avoid the “you just asked yesterday!” exclamation.

Don’t panic – Since the sex need is most times much more “driven” in men than women, if we feel like she’s rejecting us, and it’s been a few days/weeks since we last had sex, there’s a tendency to panic, and go right to the “she’s never going to want to have sex with me again” phase. Don’t do this! Instead, calmly try to look at the situation, and ask yourself a few questions. What time of the month is it? Is she pregnant? Is she sick? Has she been really stressed at work/home lately? Try and access what may be working against you, besides the “she just hates me” theory. Where she is in her cycle plays a HUGE part in how active her sex drive is. If you’re asking a few days before her period starts, you’d probably have a better chance of being an Olympic gold medalist in basket weaving. On the other hand, the days she’s ovulating, she may be the one asking YOU for sex. And then there’s all the other days between. Do yourself a favor, and learn you wife’s cycle. There are even APPS that help with this. You will save yourself a LOT of pain. The Generous Husband has a great post on this and you can read it HERE.

Watch HOW you ask – If you haven’t figured this out by now a “Hey, I’m horny, wanna have sex?” May have worked on your honeymoon (maybe), but after a few years, it will most likely get you nothing but a rather large “eye roll” from your wife. Asking like that makes her feel like a piece of meat. When you ask, try something more along the lines of “Hey hon, I’ve really been missing you lately, would you be interested in making love later?”. Asking like that gives you a little better odds at a “yes”.

Make sure you’ve got “your end” together – in other words, if the most meaningful conversation you’ve had with your wife in the last week is whether she wants ranch or BBQ for her chicken nuggets, she’s probably not feeling very emotionally connected to you, and in turn, not feeling very interested in having sex with a “stranger” that hasn’t talked to her about anything in over a week. Make it a PRIORITY to SIT DOWN, turn OFF the TV, and actually LISTEN to her talk about her day, what she’s concerned about, etc, on a DAILY basis. And for gosh sakes, turn off Sports Center while you do this. Remember, this makes her feel connected to us, just like sex makes us feel connected to her.

Quit comparing her to others – “Why can’t we just have a sex life-like (insert married couple you look up to, or one you think has a great sex life)?” Let me let you in on a little secret: You’re not them. And even if you were, I’d lay good odds that they’re not quite as “problem free” as you may think they are. Funny how that works. Kind of back to the whole “grass is greener” myth. So stop comparing/wishing you were like somebody else, and make the best of what you DO have. Otherwise you’re just going to continue to be disappointed when you continue to not “live up” to the imaginary standard you’ve set.

How serious is it? – Have you ever seen the “pain scale” that hospitals use in patient rooms? If not, it’s basically a little sign with a series of smiley faces. The one all the way to the left is “unbearable pain”, and the one all the way to the right is “no pain at all”. You can use the same idea to rate how serious an issue the “no sex” issue really is in your marriage. For example, has it been 4 months since you had sex last, and it’s been constant rejection for as long as you remember? Or is this something fairly recent that has developed? Is she just going through a “funk” right now due to health issues, pregnancy, etc.?  Or is bad enough that it doesn’t  matter if she feels good or not, it’s still constant rejection? If your answer if the former, just wait it out for a while, odds are it’s going to get better, and you’ll be right back on track. If it’s the latter, you need to get some help. Start with a non-accusing “pour your heart out” talk with your bride. Explain how much she means to you, and how much you need to feel connected to her in this way. If that doesn’t work, find a good Christian counselor that can work with you guys, and find out what’s at the bottom of the issue. Odds are there’s something buried  or something that’s not obvious to both of you, that may be the very thing that is blocking you from having the sexual relationship God designed you to have. Don’t give up and “just live with it”. Sex is an amazing, and incredibly rewarding thing the He created for husband and wife to share. Take action, swallow a little pride, roll your sleeves up, and get some help with it. Do whatever you have to do to start moving in the right direction. You won’t be sorry you put in the effort. 

Wives: Be your Husband’s “Mind Candy”

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I’ve always had a sweet tooth. I think my mom would say I had a whole mouth full of them, when I was growing up. Nerds, Skittles, Gummy Worms, Now and Lateryou name it, I would eat it. We used to go to a small little general store where I grew up as a kid, and they had a little barrel of gummy worms at the register (this was before people cared too much about germs), and you could take the little set of tongs, and pick out as many gummy worms you wanted for 5 cents each. It was the highlight of the whole shopping trip for me.

I guess it’s no surprise I have the same tendency for sweets as an adult. It’s hard to find a gummy bear I don’t like. And I don’t know about you, but there are times when NOTHING sounds good but a something sweet. Ever felt that way? It’s like you get a “sweet craving”, and nothing else quite satisfies at the time.

Ok, so what the heck am I talking about, and what does it have to do with you?  Don’t go back to Pinterest yet, hear me out!

Your husband thinks about sex several times a day. I know it’s hard to imagine, but for most guys it’s up to 20 times a day. Not long drawn out thoughts, but it crosses his mind. Call it a “sweet craving”.

Now if he’s a good, upstanding, Christian husband, who is trying his best to keep his mind  pure from sexual influences besides his wife, most of these thoughts center around you. If not, that’s a whole other post. Either way, what I’m trying to get across, is that YOU can help decide what his mind “eats” to satisfy those little “sweet cravings” during his day.

For example, let’s say he heads to work, but before he walks out the door, you give him a kiss, and say something like “you know those red lace panties you like? That’s what you’ll be taking off me later tonight.” Or “Want to try a new location later?”, you have just given him “mind candy” that will last him the whole day. Now every time his mind thinks “sex” during the day, he’s thinking about those panties, or where you’re going to do it later. Remember, he’s going to think about something sexual, several times a day – why not give him something worth while to think on?

Man Mind Tip: Guys LOVE it when they feel like their wives are OK with their husbands thinking of them sexually. Even better when our wives GIVE US something to think about sexually! It’s like winning the car on The Price is Right.

It’s hard for wives to understand, but most of the time, church, society, etc has made men feel “dirty” or like there “must be something wrong with them” because they “think about sex all the time”, or have been told countless times “is that all you think about!?”. But here’s the deal (and I can hear the collective gasp) – A man’s high sex drive (as long as it is fueled by nothing but his wife, not porn, etc.) IS NOT “un-natural”, or “dirty”, or “need to be toned down” in any way! God DESIGNED it this way! As his wife, DO ALL YOU CAN TO ENCOURAGE your husband in this area. Assure him that you WANT him to be thinking about you, and you LOVE it that he finds you beautiful/sexy. I’m not saying you must have sex anytime he wants it, but he needs to know that you’re his “sure thing” (GREAT post from J at HH&H), and you love the idea of him finding sexual satisfaction in YOU ALONE.

That’s why giving him something to think about all day, means so much to him. He LOVES it that you care enough about HIM (not the kids, dog, PTA, dishes) to think up those little “treats” during the day. “But what if I don’t think “that way” during the day? I have 3 little kids at home, and am lucky if I can find 10 minutes to use the bathroom, let alone send my husband sexy messages.” I understand you have 15 irons in the fire most of the time, but I can’t tell your enough how much something that takes 30 seconds, can mean to your husband.

“A few M&M’s, or a FULL candy bar?” – Ok, so you’ve head the saying “a picture is worth a thousand words”? Well, I swear it must have been written by a man, because let me tell you, it’s true. Now I’ve heard a lot of marriage bloggers with several different opinions on sending each other sexually “suggestive” photos via text/email, and you do what you think is best here – but I say what good is technology, if you can’t have a little fun with it? (Ok, now I am starting to sound like a classic man again). Let me explain. If you have an Android phone (I think you can get this for the iPhone too), go to the Play Store, and download an app called “Audio Manager (hide)”. This handy little app takes cover as a volume app to anyone that may see it on your phone, but if you hold your finger on a hidden spot on the screen, and put in a pin number, it’s really an encrypted “digital vault” to hide those photos/videos you wouldn’t want your mother in law to stumble upon when she was browsing through the grand kids birthday party photos. My wife and I have used it for a couple of years now, and it works great! All you have to do when you get a photo you want to hide, is simply click on the “share” button on your phone, and “share” it with the Audio Manager application – POOF! It’s not in your photos anymore!

Then the only other things you would need to be careful about, are things like double and triple checking that you’re sending the photo to the right PERSON (Your husband, not a random friend), and then knowing your husband isn’t going to open it in his work email, not knowing what it was, in front of the entire board of directors. Awkward. Basically, my advice is: BE SMART about it, know where you’re sending it, and then – HAVE FUN with it! Oh, and another word of caution: IF you’ve never sent a picture like this to him before, he may think you’ve totally lost it, or have finally opened up the cooking Sherry after a long day with the kids. But don’t worry, after the initial “Wow! Really?!” Response, he’ll have this big goofy grin on his face the rest of the day.

I’m going to end this post with this – we (husbands) realize you’re not wandering around all day every day in some sort of sexual high. Life happens. Kids happen. Schedules happen. We get it. The stuff I’ve mentioned above doesn’t have to be an everyday thing. What I’m asking is that it be a more than once a week, or month, thing. I know it’s not how you think. I know it’s hard to understand that sex goes through his head so often, I know you’re thinking “I’m just not “ready to go” all the time like he is”. It’s ok! You’re not “strange” for not being sexual as much as he is. But what I’m asking – even pleading with you – is to realize that your husband IS dealing with these thoughts day in, and day out. He IS trying to keep his mind on his wife, and not other images/videos/commercials that the world is trying to bombard him with all the time. And he NEEDS you to come along side him and say “baby, I understand it’s a struggle to keep your mind pure, and I want you to know that even though I might not always “feel” like having sex, I am, and will always be, your “sure thing” if you need me. I don’t want you feeling like you need to “supplement” your drive with something else, because you feel like you can’t come to me for it.” At this point, if you’re wondering why your husband isn’t looking at you anymore, it’s probably because he’s trying to hide the tears in his eyes. You have no idea the weight you have just taken off his shoulders, and the stress you have just relieved. If you can somehow get to this point in your relationship with your husband, you will be a complete hero in his eyes.

The moral to this story? Don’t forget the power you have to help your husband’s “sweet tooth” center around you. And to him, you’re WAY better than candy anyway. 😉

“I’d want to have more sex with my husband if he was better at it”

After writing the guest post on my Wife’s blog  “What every husband wishes his wife knew about sex, but doesn’t quite know how to tell her”, it’s been more than interesting how many responses we’ve gotten from wives along the lines of “Why don’t you write a list of what women want”, or “if my husband were better in bed, we’d have a lot more sex”, or even “I don’t enjoy sex because my husband doesn’t seem to care about my needs”. I also got a lot of comments from husbands like “how do I get my wife to read this?” and “how did you get inside my mind to write this? I just wish my wife knew this stuff!”. There were so many comments/emails this way, that I decided it was worth writing a follow-up of sorts – to address some of what is obviously a large issue in a lot of marriages.

There are two things that strike me the most as I read the steady stream of emails and comments we’ve been getting. I’ll address the husbands in this post, and my wife is going to address the wives in a future post on Mission:Wife.

1. Sometimes Husbands become lazy in making sure their wives are satisfied in the bedroom. –

 Yeah, I went there. I don’t know how many wives have told me that they wish they could tell their husbands they aren’t being satisfied in bed, but they don’t because they don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’ve even had a few say they would love to have sex more, but don’t, simply because afterwords they are left frustrated, and unfulfilled. Really guys?! Maybe our “game” in bed, isn’t as strong as we seem to convince ourselves it is (collective gasp). You say “But I never know what she wants, and she’s so confusing to read in bed sometimes!“. Yes, women can be hard to read, and different things work at different times for them in bed, but what’s your point?! Are we just supposed to throw up our hands and go “well, I guess it’s not even worth it, I don’t get her”? I don’t think so.

If you have a problem that needs solved/worked on at your job, and it gets hard, do you just throw in the towel? Do you tell your boss “sorry man, I tried it one way, and it didn’t work, so I guess I can’t do it.”? No! You problem solve! You try it another way, you consult with the client, you study the problem, you FIND A WAY to make it happen. Why don’t we apply this formula to our sex lives? Are we scared to admit we don’t have all the answers? Are we scared to ask? Are we so concerned about our pleasure during sex, that we forget it’s a two-way street? Whatever the reason, we need to get over it, and start learning what our wives need from us to get as much as we do from our sex life.

Here are a couple places to start:

Learn the female anatomy!Good grief, some husbands wouldn’t know what a “g-spot” was if it bit them in the hand, let alone the “a-spot”, or the “u-spot” (now you have some homework). If you think the clitoris is the only way she can achieve orgasm, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do. If you want your wife to know what feels good on you, how about doing her a favor and learn where her hot spots are, and how to stimulate them? Instead of fumbling around down there, hoping you hit something that feels good, show her you care enough about her pleasure, to get an understanding of how God designed her, and how he created her to feel amazing pleasure during the act he created for the husband and wife to enjoy!

Put HER first – Ok, in case you haven’t noticed, most “normal” guys are what I call “one shot wonders” when it comes to orgasm. Once we have one, we’re  done for a while (at least 15-20 minutes), and everything in our bodies is screaming “Hey! Yeah You! It’s time to lay down and relax for a while! You’re part’s over!”. Our wives are not like this at all. Most women can have several orgasms in one lovemaking session, and don’t feel fully satisfied until they do. Here’s the trick though, don’t let yourself climax, until she has had a few herself – otherwise you end up loosing your motivation to help her. As soon as you climax, about 97.8% (or more…lol) of your drive to help her goes out the window. That’s why it’s so important to make sure she’s satisfied FIRST (or she might want to save one so you can have one together), BEFORE you finish. You’ll be amazed at how much more “enthusiastic” you are about helping her be satisfied, if YOU wait on getting yours until later.

2. There is a total lack of communication in most marriages about sex.

I cannot stress how IMPORTANT it is to COMMUNICATE with each other about all aspects of your sex life. It’s so important, I did an entire post on this called “Sex; be clear about what you’re asking for“.  Why is it so hard to talk openly about our sex life as married couples? You would think it would be pretty easy, since it’s not like we don’t see each other naked all the time, but for some reason couples become like grade-schoolers again, and have a hard time saying the words “penis” and “vagina” without blushing. We HAVE to get over what is sometimes a little awkward to talk about, and really sit down and DISCUSS each person likes, loves, or dislikes. How are we supposed to know what drives our wives crazy (in a good way), if we’re not willing to ask? Even if you have to start simple with: “Hey hon, would you rather I start with (insert action here), or (alternate action)?” it’s better than nothing! Alsoyou’ll notice when you first start communicating about sex, you may be surprized at what you were doing that you thought she LOVED, that turned out to be about a 3 on her 1 to 10 sex scale. Yeah, maybe you’re not as good at “just knowing”what she likes as you thought you were.

“You will never have the amazing, fulfilling, and sometimes mind-blowing sex life with your mate that you desire unless you learn how to communicate effectively about it.”

I want to end this post with this reminder:

“You only get out of something, what you’re willing to put into it.”

If you’re unhappy with your current sex life, don’t wait for the planets to align, or a book on improving your sex life to drop out of the tree in your front yard.  Set a date to pull your spouse aside one night, turn all the distractions off (tv, phone, computer), and caringly and lovingly talk to each other about where you’re sex life is now, and where you would like to see it grow in the future. Don’t be accusatory. Don’t put the blame on the other person. Make a commitment TOGETHER to put all the things that BOTH of you have done to hurt each other in this area behind you, and begin building the sexual relationship together that God designed you to have and fully enjoy. Maybe tonight would be a good night to start?! 😉

Ten Things Every Husband Wishes His Wife Knew About Sex, But Doesn’t Know Quite How To Tell Her

 

I did a guest post over on my partner blog “mission:wife” this week! Here’s a excerpt from it – 

I get a lot of emails from Wives wanting to “get inside the heads” of their husbands when it comes to how he acts, and reacts about sex. I realize all husbands are different, and some prefer some things over others, but overall, I feel that there are a lot of wives out there who REALLY WANT to make their sex life with their husband what God intended it to be, but sometimes get frustrated by not understanding why he’s always asking for sex, even when they just had it, or what he means when he says things like “I just want you to want me”.

So it’s for this reason, I decided to write this post. It’s not to make wives feel inadequate, or bad about what they’re not doing right, but rather to let you inside a guys head for a little bit, and help you understand where your husband is coming from when he is think about all things sexual. I think a lot of the problems that arise in a couple’s sex life, start with a lack of communication/understanding on both sides, on how a man and woman view sex in totally different ways. Finding and understanding those differences are the first step to having and maintaining healthy, passionate, and incredibly fulfilling sex life. Make sense so far?

Click to continue reading on mission:wife

Sex; It’s NOT just about YOU.

As guys, we think sex is pretty awesome. In fact, we’d probably have a hard time thinking of something that we like doing more.

But how long has it been since we took  a hard look at what we’re doing to make sex just as enjoyable for our wives? Whether we’d like to admit it or not, we can get a little selfish in this area if we’re not careful. Part of being the husband God intended you to be, is MAKING SURE that you’re doing everything in your power to ensure your wife is reaching climax (if she desires one – more about that later), and that you are asking her what she likes, what feels good, what things she would like to try, what positions she likes best, etc. So often without even realizing it, us guys tend to do what feels good to us, without taking the time to even ask her what would make it better for her. If we want our wives to be as excited about making love as we are most of the time, I think it would be wise on our part to constantly be working on the following things –

The “Big O” – If you haven’t figured it out by now, women take a whole lot longer to “warm up” sexually, than us guys do. Think of it as a microwave vs. a crock pot. While men can be “ready to go” at the drop of a hat (or panties), and able to climax within a few minutes, most of our wives need some time to get there mentally, before the arousal process can even start. Now here’s the other thing guys –

there are times that our wives are totally happy with having intercourse without having an orgasm. This makes about as much sense to us guys as mowing the lawn without turning the lawn mower on, but it’s true.

Remember, sex is not all about the physical act to them. There is a lot of emotional connecting going on during sex for women too. That said, if she DOES desire to have an orgasm, we need to make sure that we are taking the time to slow down and help her get there. Since most of the time it’s hard for women to climax through penetration alone, this means we need to be ready to help her with our hands, or orally. Also – don’t get in such a hurry to start the “main event” that you make her feel pressured to “hurry up and make it happen already!” or make her think she’s “taking to long“. This will only make things worse. If you are having a hard time finding the right spot or speed, have your wife show you with her hand what feels good. Then try to simulate that. Communication is the key here. Don’t be too shy to ask her what she wants you to do. We’d like to think we are natural “masters” as satisfying our wives in bed, but most times there are things she wishes we would do, and if we’re too proud/shy to ask, we’ll never get any better. 

Vibrators/Toys – There are lots of different opinions out there on whether or not sex toys/aids are good/ok to use in the marriage bed. I’m not going to get into all that in this post. What I am going to do is give you what has worked for us, and then you can make the judgement for yourselves on what works/is appropriate for you.  What we’ve found with 3 small kids, and not always having a large amount of time to have “gourmet sex” every time, is while my wife may be interested/up for sex, the idea of spending enough time for her to become fully aroused, and able to climax manually, is somewhat daunting after a long day with the kids and 10pm approaching rapidly. So, after our first child was born, we decided to look for something to help her be able to “speed up the process” a little for those times when we wanted to enjoy each other sexually, but didn’t have time/energy for the “4 course meal” version of sex. We wanted something that could be used during penetration, but wanted to be careful because we found some medical articles with evidence that long-term use of a vibrator can damage the nerve endings of the clitoris and make it harder for a woman to orgasm without it. So, after quite a bit of research, we found something that doesn’t vibrate, but instead “oscillates” (moves rapidly in a “back and forth” motion) that we really like, and is nice to have when she desires to climax, but may not have a lot of time. Do we always use it when we make love? No. Is it nice to have something that helps her climax much faster when she desires it, but we don’t have a lot of time? Very. I feel that there are times our wives may say “no”  to sex on any given night, due to the pressure they feel from us (spoken or unspoken) to have an orgasm. If they are on the fence already about having sex (long day, tired, etc), the thought of having to spend 20 minutes to “get herself there” may just be the push she needs to say “not tonight”, because it seems like such a daunting task after a long day. This gives her an option where she can still climax and enjoy sexual time with her husband, but not be discouraged, and in turn distracted, because it’s “talking so long”. (Note: If you would like to know what we use,  drop me an email, and we’d be glad to share with you what we found that has helped us. Believe it or not, there are still some things even marriage bloggers don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public blog post 😉 )

Lube up! – Another thing that can make sex less enjoyable, or even downright painful for your wife is lack of lubrication. If we rush right through the foreplay, and within a couple of minutes, try to enter her, odds are, she’s not going to magically be wet and ready to go. Remember the crock pot analogy? She needs some time to warm up! Without using any kind of lube, a woman needs between 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay (of course all women are different, but in general) to become  naturally lubricated enough for intercourse. What’s the moral to the story here? Get a bottle of good lube and keep it handy! The best one we have found (hands down) is the “Pjur Eros Original Body Glide Lube”, found on Amazon.com or most other sexual aid sites. It doesn’t dry up, doesn’t make a huge mess, and lasts for a long time. We have been through a lot of different brands/formulas, but always come running back to this one. Oh, and still not convinced you need lube? Try having your wife manually stimulate you without using any – it’s funny how fast you will change your mind.

What has worked in the past, may not work now – If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will: You’re in bed, doing that thing that you know is always a “home run” in the “what I like in bed” category for your wife. At some point you look up however, to see a “less than thrilled”  or even a *gasp!* bored look on her face. You panic, wondering what in the world am I doing wrong? Relax! You’re not doing anything wrong. This is a really hard one for us guys to grasp sense for us it’s a “one movement fits all” thing, but for our wives it all can change due to pregnancy, time of the month, or sometimes I wonder – the color of the sky that day. (That was a joke) The thing to remember is DON’T get discouraged, or think you’ve lost your touch. Let her talk you through what now feels better, and don’t take it personally. Too often we take any form of rejection in bed (no matter how small), as an attack on us. It’s not.

Be a “student” of your Wife – I mentioned a little bit of this above, but what I’m trying to get at is always be looking for ways you can improve at pleasing her in the bedroom. Don’t settle for “good enough” and stop there. Doesn’t matter if you’re a new husband and don’t have a clue, or a husband that’s been married 40 years, there’s always room to get better! Don’t become complacent!

Don’t be afraid to laugh together! – As guys, we look at things in life as “tasks”. We need to get something done, so we form a plan on the best way to accomplish it, what we need to buy, what tools we need, etc. We know that if we have the “right tools” for the job, and a good plan, we will succeed. We “can’t fail” if we plan carefully (or so we try to convince ourselves). Here in lies the problem: If we try to transfer that attitude to the bedroom, we end up becoming frustrated if we’re doing something during lovemaking, and it’s not working like it was “supposed to”. This leads to an uneasy tension, and that is NOT good in what was supposed to be a time of connection between husband and wife. At this point we’ve lost the whole point. If something doesn’t work, LAUGH a little! This is supposed to be fun remember? We get so lost in “it has to happen this way”, that we lose sight of what we’re really supposed to be accomplishing overall. Sex is one of the greatest gifts God has given a married couple. Let’s make sure we are being patient, and helping our brides get the pleasure that God created her to get out of it. So get out there and get to work husbands! This is not exactly the worst job you’ve ever been given. 😉