Posts Tagged ‘ wives ’

Wives: Be your Husband’s “Mind Candy”

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I’ve always had a sweet tooth. I think my mom would say I had a whole mouth full of them, when I was growing up. Nerds, Skittles, Gummy Worms, Now and Lateryou name it, I would eat it. We used to go to a small little general store where I grew up as a kid, and they had a little barrel of gummy worms at the register (this was before people cared too much about germs), and you could take the little set of tongs, and pick out as many gummy worms you wanted for 5 cents each. It was the highlight of the whole shopping trip for me.

I guess it’s no surprise I have the same tendency for sweets as an adult. It’s hard to find a gummy bear I don’t like. And I don’t know about you, but there are times when NOTHING sounds good but a something sweet. Ever felt that way? It’s like you get a “sweet craving”, and nothing else quite satisfies at the time.

Ok, so what the heck am I talking about, and what does it have to do with you?  Don’t go back to Pinterest yet, hear me out!

Your husband thinks about sex several times a day. I know it’s hard to imagine, but for most guys it’s up to 20 times a day. Not long drawn out thoughts, but it crosses his mind. Call it a “sweet craving”.

Now if he’s a good, upstanding, Christian husband, who is trying his best to keep his mind  pure from sexual influences besides his wife, most of these thoughts center around you. If not, that’s a whole other post. Either way, what I’m trying to get across, is that YOU can help decide what his mind “eats” to satisfy those little “sweet cravings” during his day.

For example, let’s say he heads to work, but before he walks out the door, you give him a kiss, and say something like “you know those red lace panties you like? That’s what you’ll be taking off me later tonight.” Or “Want to try a new location later?”, you have just given him “mind candy” that will last him the whole day. Now every time his mind thinks “sex” during the day, he’s thinking about those panties, or where you’re going to do it later. Remember, he’s going to think about something sexual, several times a day – why not give him something worth while to think on?

Man Mind Tip: Guys LOVE it when they feel like their wives are OK with their husbands thinking of them sexually. Even better when our wives GIVE US something to think about sexually! It’s like winning the car on The Price is Right.

It’s hard for wives to understand, but most of the time, church, society, etc has made men feel “dirty” or like there “must be something wrong with them” because they “think about sex all the time”, or have been told countless times “is that all you think about!?”. But here’s the deal (and I can hear the collective gasp) – A man’s high sex drive (as long as it is fueled by nothing but his wife, not porn, etc.) IS NOT “un-natural”, or “dirty”, or “need to be toned down” in any way! God DESIGNED it this way! As his wife, DO ALL YOU CAN TO ENCOURAGE your husband in this area. Assure him that you WANT him to be thinking about you, and you LOVE it that he finds you beautiful/sexy. I’m not saying you must have sex anytime he wants it, but he needs to know that you’re his “sure thing” (GREAT post from J at HH&H), and you love the idea of him finding sexual satisfaction in YOU ALONE.

That’s why giving him something to think about all day, means so much to him. He LOVES it that you care enough about HIM (not the kids, dog, PTA, dishes) to think up those little “treats” during the day. “But what if I don’t think “that way” during the day? I have 3 little kids at home, and am lucky if I can find 10 minutes to use the bathroom, let alone send my husband sexy messages.” I understand you have 15 irons in the fire most of the time, but I can’t tell your enough how much something that takes 30 seconds, can mean to your husband.

“A few M&M’s, or a FULL candy bar?” – Ok, so you’ve head the saying “a picture is worth a thousand words”? Well, I swear it must have been written by a man, because let me tell you, it’s true. Now I’ve heard a lot of marriage bloggers with several different opinions on sending each other sexually “suggestive” photos via text/email, and you do what you think is best here – but I say what good is technology, if you can’t have a little fun with it? (Ok, now I am starting to sound like a classic man again). Let me explain. If you have an Android phone (I think you can get this for the iPhone too), go to the Play Store, and download an app called “Audio Manager (hide)”. This handy little app takes cover as a volume app to anyone that may see it on your phone, but if you hold your finger on a hidden spot on the screen, and put in a pin number, it’s really an encrypted “digital vault” to hide those photos/videos you wouldn’t want your mother in law to stumble upon when she was browsing through the grand kids birthday party photos. My wife and I have used it for a couple of years now, and it works great! All you have to do when you get a photo you want to hide, is simply click on the “share” button on your phone, and “share” it with the Audio Manager application – POOF! It’s not in your photos anymore!

Then the only other things you would need to be careful about, are things like double and triple checking that you’re sending the photo to the right PERSON (Your husband, not a random friend), and then knowing your husband isn’t going to open it in his work email, not knowing what it was, in front of the entire board of directors. Awkward. Basically, my advice is: BE SMART about it, know where you’re sending it, and then – HAVE FUN with it! Oh, and another word of caution: IF you’ve never sent a picture like this to him before, he may think you’ve totally lost it, or have finally opened up the cooking Sherry after a long day with the kids. But don’t worry, after the initial “Wow! Really?!” Response, he’ll have this big goofy grin on his face the rest of the day.

I’m going to end this post with this – we (husbands) realize you’re not wandering around all day every day in some sort of sexual high. Life happens. Kids happen. Schedules happen. We get it. The stuff I’ve mentioned above doesn’t have to be an everyday thing. What I’m asking is that it be a more than once a week, or month, thing. I know it’s not how you think. I know it’s hard to understand that sex goes through his head so often, I know you’re thinking “I’m just not “ready to go” all the time like he is”. It’s ok! You’re not “strange” for not being sexual as much as he is. But what I’m asking – even pleading with you – is to realize that your husband IS dealing with these thoughts day in, and day out. He IS trying to keep his mind on his wife, and not other images/videos/commercials that the world is trying to bombard him with all the time. And he NEEDS you to come along side him and say “baby, I understand it’s a struggle to keep your mind pure, and I want you to know that even though I might not always “feel” like having sex, I am, and will always be, your “sure thing” if you need me. I don’t want you feeling like you need to “supplement” your drive with something else, because you feel like you can’t come to me for it.” At this point, if you’re wondering why your husband isn’t looking at you anymore, it’s probably because he’s trying to hide the tears in his eyes. You have no idea the weight you have just taken off his shoulders, and the stress you have just relieved. If you can somehow get to this point in your relationship with your husband, you will be a complete hero in his eyes.

The moral to this story? Don’t forget the power you have to help your husband’s “sweet tooth” center around you. And to him, you’re WAY better than candy anyway. 😉

Are We Still Pursuing Our Wives?

I hate divorce. I hate hearing that a couple I know has decided to give in and call it quits. I hate the pain it brings on both sides, not to mention how it affects the kids involved. And you know what it all comes down to in most cases? Lack of pursuit. At some point in the marriage, one or both sides decided that other things (life, work, golf, etc) were worth pursuing more than their mate. Now yes, there are other reasons for divorce (cheating, abuse, etc), but I wonder how many could have been prevented if there was a conscious effort by husband and wife, to continue to really pursue the other person, just like they did before they walked down that aisle, and maybe even for the first few years after the wedding. While this could apply to both husband and wife, I’m addressing the husbands in this post, so buckle up guys. 🙂

What do I mean by pursue? I mean this – Remember before you got married? Remember how it was when you were first dating? It didn’t matter if you were at work, or playing ball with the guys, or whatever, you had her on your mind. You were always thinking about the next time you would see her, or what you could do to be romantic, or what little gift you wanted to surprise her with. You were trying to win her heart. You were trying to make her think that you would stop at nothing to make her feel special, and want to spend the rest of her life with you. You were constantly pursuing the goal of winning her heart. 

Now fast forward to 5, 10, or even 20 years of marriage. Somehow, and maybe even without meaning to, “life” started to creep in. Since you had already “won” her heart now (come on, you spent all that money on the ring for crying out loud!), your male “once I’m done with one task, I move to the next one” mind started to kick in, and suddenly that amazing girl who used to occupy 95% of your waking thoughts (and some of your sleeping ones too), now was now buried somewhere after the golf game on Saturday, your goals at your job, and trying to raise 2 or 3 small kids while maintaining some sort of sanity. Somewhere along the way the pursuit slowed, or maybe even stopped.

My dad used to say “you lose what you don’t appreciate”. When I was a kid, I used to roll my eyes when he said that, because most times when it was said, I had just gotten scolded for not taking care of something, and it had gotten damaged or ruined. We have to realize guys (and the sooner the better), we can’t just say “I do”, and then put the gear shift into neutral, and hope to cost the rest of the way on the “we’re in love, so what could happen” feeling. As husbands, we have to continue to do those things we did when we won her heart! And “but I just don’t feel like it” is just lazy. Our wives don’t want to feel like they come in on our priority list right after getting the garbage to the curb every Wednesday night! They want to know we’re still crazy about them! They want to be the apple of our eye, just like they were in the early days.

“But I say I love you all the time!” Yeah, but do your actions line up with your words? We all love the old saying “talk is cheap”, but oh how true it is! If you’re saying “I love you baby! I really want to spend time with you!” on your way to the golf course, she’s probably not going to put much stock in what you’re saying. Look for ways to say “I love you, and you’re still everything to me”. I’m not going to list out a “top ten romantic ways to tell your wife you love her” either, because all wives are different! You’re going to have to think back (come on, you can do it) to your dating days and remember the little things. That place you used to take her to watch the stars (even thought you spent most of the time looking at her). The hangout you used to always go to and get the corner booth. The coffee you used to bring her at work, even though her work was 10 miles out of your way. You get the idea. 

As I’ve watched marriage after marriage of people I know break up, I wonder. I wonder at what point it started to break down. At what point this couple who was by their own admissions “madly in love with each other” just a few years earlier, now can’t stand each other. When did the nights of cuddling on the couch every night and sharing each other’s heart in conversation, get traded for him staying up to work, and her going to bed early? When did the priorities shift? I bet if you asked the couple, they couldn’t pinpoint a time or date it started happening. It just did. Over the years, pursuit was lost, and along with it, sadly, the marriage was too.

Does it take a little effort to continue to pursue your wife’s heart throughout the ups and downs of your marriage? Sure it does! But the when the alternative is being in a marriage where a slow acting poison called “inactivity” is killing it, it should be an easy choice to make. We can’t settle for normal guys! Our wives deserve BETTER than normal! Be the man that your wife fell in love with in the first place. Be a husband that pursues his wife!

“So hon…um…you think…uh…maybe later…um…after the kids go to bed…you might…uh….want to…you know…if you feel like it…have sex?”

My wife and I were listening to “The Stupendous Marriage Show” the other day, and Stu and Lisa were talking about how sometimes a guy will talk himself out of asking his wife for sex, based off of what he sees her doing at the time, that in his mind, make his chances of hearing a “yes”, much lower. In other words, we’re too scared to ask.

Here’s the thing though guys! Us NOT asking, and then being upset that she didn’t “read our minds” and “just know” that we need sex that night, is very frustrating to our wives! If we would just “man up” and ask her, she could at least start turning her mind in that direction, and be much more willing later to respond positively.

What I’m trying to get across here, is that we may be missing out on a lot of “sack time” with our wives, simply due to us being to afraid to ask. Yes, nothing strikes fear into the heart of a man like asking his wife for sex, I get it. But what if we got over the whole “I take it personally, and hate rejection” part, and just be open and honest about it and say “hey hon, would you be up for sex tonight? I’ve really been thinking about you lately”. I’ve talked to a lot of wives who have told me they would love it if their husbands would just come out and ASK when he needs it, instead of “not wanting to bother her”, and ending up frustrated, or worse, turning to porn or something else for release. And I know you’re thinking “yeah, this all sounds great, but you don’t know my wife. She would move into the garage if I asked her every time I needed sex“. Really? How would you know? Have you tried it?

What we fail to understand as men a lot of times, is that our wives REALLY WANT to be there for us sexually most of the time. Sure, there are times when they can’t respond quite like we were hoping, but they still DESIRE to be that help mate that God created them to be, but too many times we don’t LET them. We don’t even give them the chance. We say to ourselves “oh, I don’t want to bug her, she’s going to think I’m some kind of sex freak or something”, instead of giving her the chance to even think it over! And let’s be real here guys, most of the root issue here is we’re afraid to not just ask, but to ADMIT we NEED her. We apply the “I’m a man, and I don’t need anybody” theory to our sex lives, and I’m telling you, it’s hurting our marriages! Heaven forbid we as men admit we “depend on” someone! Instead we ask, get rejected a couple of times, and then withdraw and play the “whatever, It doesn’t really matter anyway” card, instead of working through it together, explaining to our wives how much we NEED (yes, need is not a bad word) to connect to them this way, and allowing them to fulfill the role that God has given them – the role that no other woman in the world can fill  if we would just give them the chance.

So next time you’re arguing with yourself about if you should or shouldn’t ask your wife for sex tonight, slap yourself around a little bit, pull up your “man pants”, realize your wife is on your side (not laughing evilly like we have it in our heads), and honestly ask her! You might just be blown away by how many times you’ve missed out, simply for lack of asking. Don’t let your pride and fear of rejection, get in the way of the sex life God designed you to have with your wife.